My World

I'm writing this as a sort of exercise. Trying to explain my world. The way my life seems at times. It isn't pretty, it isn't happy it isn't good.

Imagine yourself on a tight rope. You know how to tight rope walk, but you still aren't the best at it. Envision below you everything you hold dear, represented in glass figures. Every wrong you move you make, you will destroy the figurines and send shards of glass flying everywhere. You must be perfect. Every wobble has the potentially to destroy your friends, your family, your job, and most importantly destroy you. Every small mistake you make becomes and ordeal. Your trainer yells at you, bringing your moral down even lower then before. Your body is bleeding, but you can't stop yet, if you stop you will fall and it will be fatal. The end of this nightmare is always in sight, yet it is far off. You try to get there, you do the best you can, but because it isn't perfect you destroy the figurines.

This is what life is like in my house. I do everything to avoid conflict, until I reach that breaking point. I want so very much to be normal, to come to terms with this situation. I can't. I can't seem to let go of trying to change things. Trying to make my world better. To clear the glass figurines away and learn to walk the tightrope with out them. I want so very much to master this skill, and I've finally gotten help outside of my home. Yet it is still hard to let go of the dream of things getting better.