Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Who is one person that you’ve been dying to connect with, but just haven’t had the courage to reach out to? First, reflect on why you want to get in touch with them. Then, reach out and set up a meeting.
I'm not sure. I'm not really big on personal connections. I'd like to have them, but I really keep people at arms length. I feel weird about letting people inside of "my world". I believe that I can tell people all about me, but they don't get to know thing about me, other then the facts. I'm not sure who I want to reach out to, this is one of the prompts I need to come back to...
Sunday, June 26, 2011
I was born this way, I'm on the right track baby I was born this way.
Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” is a great line from Emerson. If there’s no enthusiasm in what you do, it won’t be remarkable and certainly won’t connect with people on an emotional basis. But, if you put that magic energy into all of your work, you can create something that touches people on a deeper level. How can you bring MORE enthusiasm into your work? What do you have to think or believe about your work to be totally excited about it? Answer it now.
In my life, I am not devoid of passion, but I feel as if those around me are. My life is full of passion, for those I love, for what I believe, for what I do. Every day that I am alive, I am full of passion for what I do and what I want to be. I am full of passion for my dreams, for making magic, for weaving stories. This is what I do, this is who I am. And I need to accept that.
I need to accept this is who I am, I am an artist. This is what I do, this is what I believe, this is what I have to stand for. This is why I'm going to college, because not only am I talented at this, I enjoy it. I was born this way, I'm on the right track baby I was born this way.
“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” is a great line from Emerson. If there’s no enthusiasm in what you do, it won’t be remarkable and certainly won’t connect with people on an emotional basis. But, if you put that magic energy into all of your work, you can create something that touches people on a deeper level. How can you bring MORE enthusiasm into your work? What do you have to think or believe about your work to be totally excited about it? Answer it now.
In my life, I am not devoid of passion, but I feel as if those around me are. My life is full of passion, for those I love, for what I believe, for what I do. Every day that I am alive, I am full of passion for what I do and what I want to be. I am full of passion for my dreams, for making magic, for weaving stories. This is what I do, this is who I am. And I need to accept that.
I need to accept this is who I am, I am an artist. This is what I do, this is what I believe, this is what I have to stand for. This is why I'm going to college, because not only am I talented at this, I enjoy it. I was born this way, I'm on the right track baby I was born this way.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
What do I know?
Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We live in a society of advice columns, experts and make-over shows. Without even knowing it, you can begin to believe someone knows better than you how to live your life. Someone might know a particular something better – like how to bake a three-layer molten coconut chocolate cake or how to build a website – but nobody else on the planet knows how to live your life better than you. (Although one or two people may think they do.) For today, trying asking yourself often, especially before you make a choice, “What do I know about this?”
I've tried to do this... I find myself trusting myself more an more. Saying less and less about my choices to my friends. Even trying to explain my choices to others, rather than explaining why I make them. I've felt a lot healthier about everything.
We live in a society of advice columns, experts and make-over shows. Without even knowing it, you can begin to believe someone knows better than you how to live your life. Someone might know a particular something better – like how to bake a three-layer molten coconut chocolate cake or how to build a website – but nobody else on the planet knows how to live your life better than you. (Although one or two people may think they do.) For today, trying asking yourself often, especially before you make a choice, “What do I know about this?”
I've tried to do this... I find myself trusting myself more an more. Saying less and less about my choices to my friends. Even trying to explain my choices to others, rather than explaining why I make them. I've felt a lot healthier about everything.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Fat Shirt.
What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know I. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I once received a fortune cookie that read: “Speak less of your plans, you’ll get more done.” What’s one project that you’ve been sitting on and thinking about but haven’t made progress on? What’s stopping you? What would happen if you actually went for it and did it?
Goddamnit, I'm terrible at projects... Like right now rather then fixing my white cami with a sewing machine(which I have) I am saftety pining it. Yet I'm not going to wear the top I planned to wear it with cause well its a handme down and it wont fit me til im pregant... (Thanks mommy for thinking I'm that fat....)
I have lots of things I want to take care of... Including losing weight. I just can't seem to make time to get to them.
I once received a fortune cookie that read: “Speak less of your plans, you’ll get more done.” What’s one project that you’ve been sitting on and thinking about but haven’t made progress on? What’s stopping you? What would happen if you actually went for it and did it?
Goddamnit, I'm terrible at projects... Like right now rather then fixing my white cami with a sewing machine(which I have) I am saftety pining it. Yet I'm not going to wear the top I planned to wear it with cause well its a handme down and it wont fit me til im pregant... (Thanks mommy for thinking I'm that fat....)
I have lots of things I want to take care of... Including losing weight. I just can't seem to make time to get to them.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Happiness
Greatness appeals to the future. If I can be firm enough to-day to do right, and scorn eyes, I must have done so much right before as to defend me now. Be it how it will, do right now. Always scorn appearances, and you always may. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Trusting intuition and making decisions based on it is the most important activity of the creative artist and entrepreneur. If you are facing (and fearing) a difficult life decision, ask yourself these three questions:
1) “What are the costs of inaction?” I find it can be helpful to fight fear with fear. Fears of acting are easily and immediately articulated by our “lizard brains” (thanks Seth) e.g. what if I fail? what if I look stupid? If you systematically and clearly list the main costs of inaction, they will generally overshadow your immediate fears.
2) “What kind of person do I want to be?” I’ve found this question to be extremely useful. I admire people who act bravely and decisively. I know the only way to join their ranks is to face decisions that scare me. By seeing my actions as a path to becoming something I admire, I am more likely to act and make the tough calls.
3) “In the event of failure, could I generate an alterative positive outcome?” Imagine yourself failing to an extreme. What could you learn or do in that situation to make it a positive experience? We are generally so committed to the results we seek at the outset of a task or project that we forget about all the incredible value and experience that comes from engaging the world proactively, learning, and improving our circumstances as we go along.
1. Inaction costs me everything. When I do not act I get stuck in a loop. Usually a self destructive loop.
2. I want to be an amazing person. I want to be nice and kind. I want to be an amazing woman, wife, mother and grandmother. I want to share my values and beliefes with others, not just verbally but in my actions. I want to stand for what I believe in, even when it would be easier to fall. As for my beliefs, I think that requires a much longer and more detailed tangent.
3. Failing in the extreme, I can't fail. I have so many different plans. If I fail, that means I have flunked out of college, I can't get a menial job and work my way back up, and I haven't found happiness.
Trusting intuition and making decisions based on it is the most important activity of the creative artist and entrepreneur. If you are facing (and fearing) a difficult life decision, ask yourself these three questions:
1) “What are the costs of inaction?” I find it can be helpful to fight fear with fear. Fears of acting are easily and immediately articulated by our “lizard brains” (thanks Seth) e.g. what if I fail? what if I look stupid? If you systematically and clearly list the main costs of inaction, they will generally overshadow your immediate fears.
2) “What kind of person do I want to be?” I’ve found this question to be extremely useful. I admire people who act bravely and decisively. I know the only way to join their ranks is to face decisions that scare me. By seeing my actions as a path to becoming something I admire, I am more likely to act and make the tough calls.
3) “In the event of failure, could I generate an alterative positive outcome?” Imagine yourself failing to an extreme. What could you learn or do in that situation to make it a positive experience? We are generally so committed to the results we seek at the outset of a task or project that we forget about all the incredible value and experience that comes from engaging the world proactively, learning, and improving our circumstances as we go along.
1. Inaction costs me everything. When I do not act I get stuck in a loop. Usually a self destructive loop.
2. I want to be an amazing person. I want to be nice and kind. I want to be an amazing woman, wife, mother and grandmother. I want to share my values and beliefes with others, not just verbally but in my actions. I want to stand for what I believe in, even when it would be easier to fall. As for my beliefs, I think that requires a much longer and more detailed tangent.
3. Failing in the extreme, I can't fail. I have so many different plans. If I fail, that means I have flunked out of college, I can't get a menial job and work my way back up, and I haven't found happiness.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Typical Excuses
Abide in the simple and noble regions of thy life, obey thy heart. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Write down your top three dreams. Now write down what’s holding you back from them.
1. To live my life with happiness.
My own head. I like putting myself down,
2. To be able to share my life with somebody in profound and romantic ways.
That takes another person, who wants the same thing as you for sure.
3. To change the world.
I haven't graduated college yet.
Write down your top three dreams. Now write down what’s holding you back from them.
1. To live my life with happiness.
My own head. I like putting myself down,
2. To be able to share my life with somebody in profound and romantic ways.
That takes another person, who wants the same thing as you for sure.
3. To change the world.
I haven't graduated college yet.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
More about my future?
A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
My favorite quote of all time is Alan Kay: ‘In order to predict the future, you have to invent it.’ I am all about inventing the future. Decide what you want the future to be and make it happen. Because you can. Write about your future now.
Ha ha ha ha. I am always visualizing the future, I have kids names picked out for godsakes, I live to figure out my future, it drives ex nuts. I like to look at the future and toy with it. I like to come up with grand plans and then decide later that nah that isn't really what I wanted. There are always a few things that stay the same...
I want to be happy. I wish to travel. I desire a family. I hope to be an artist. Perhaps even write a book. I want to maybe take my interest in fashion to the next level. I would like to keep up my work in theatre. I plan to move out of the country.
I'm not sure what else to put up there with out getting too attached to an idea. I know it isn't a planed out fully visualized future, but I know myself and I know that will only drive me nuts and change, why don't I just stick with the broad, yet still crazy, dreams.
My favorite quote of all time is Alan Kay: ‘In order to predict the future, you have to invent it.’ I am all about inventing the future. Decide what you want the future to be and make it happen. Because you can. Write about your future now.
Ha ha ha ha. I am always visualizing the future, I have kids names picked out for godsakes, I live to figure out my future, it drives ex nuts. I like to look at the future and toy with it. I like to come up with grand plans and then decide later that nah that isn't really what I wanted. There are always a few things that stay the same...
I want to be happy. I wish to travel. I desire a family. I hope to be an artist. Perhaps even write a book. I want to maybe take my interest in fashion to the next level. I would like to keep up my work in theatre. I plan to move out of the country.
I'm not sure what else to put up there with out getting too attached to an idea. I know it isn't a planed out fully visualized future, but I know myself and I know that will only drive me nuts and change, why don't I just stick with the broad, yet still crazy, dreams.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Empire
Do not mess with the mind
The vault of complex perceptions
Is not a toy
Its vast landscape
Ever changing
Ever evolving
In some you see the lay
When you look at them
Scars and stories
Make up our views
We judge too quick
And relent too slow
And so we find ourselves
Toying with the mind
Playing tricks,
As if,
It would make it true
That is the reason one should not mess with minds
Truth is the center of its land
Like all roads lead to Rome
All thoughts lead to truth
When truth is lost,
Split between to ideals
Like Rome and Constantinople
An empire diveded will eventually fall
To any who has the whim and will to take it
It is like this with the mind,
And the truth it holds close.
Take that away,
And you have become
A vandal of the worst kind
Because you've left an empire
To wither and die.
The vault of complex perceptions
Is not a toy
Its vast landscape
Ever changing
Ever evolving
In some you see the lay
When you look at them
Scars and stories
Make up our views
We judge too quick
And relent too slow
And so we find ourselves
Toying with the mind
Playing tricks,
As if,
It would make it true
That is the reason one should not mess with minds
Truth is the center of its land
Like all roads lead to Rome
All thoughts lead to truth
When truth is lost,
Split between to ideals
Like Rome and Constantinople
An empire diveded will eventually fall
To any who has the whim and will to take it
It is like this with the mind,
And the truth it holds close.
Take that away,
And you have become
A vandal of the worst kind
Because you've left an empire
To wither and die.
Visualize what?
When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name;—— the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?
Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.
I've always tried to follow my own path, but at the same time I'm always looking to others for their opinions, even when I've made up my own mind. I never follow my own path. At least it doesn't feel like it much. Its hard for me because I do have issues, I'm trying to take care of them. It is getting a ton easier though. I don't know what following my own path would look like because I can't. I'm also taking new meds so they've kind of slowed me down a little bit. Oh life.
Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?
Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.
I've always tried to follow my own path, but at the same time I'm always looking to others for their opinions, even when I've made up my own mind. I never follow my own path. At least it doesn't feel like it much. Its hard for me because I do have issues, I'm trying to take care of them. It is getting a ton easier though. I don't know what following my own path would look like because I can't. I'm also taking new meds so they've kind of slowed me down a little bit. Oh life.
Another Post on Goals...
Do your work, and I shall know you. Do your work, and you shall reinforce yourself. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Take a moment, step back from your concerns, and focus on one thing: You have one life to achieve everything you’ve ever wanted. Sounds simple, but when you really focus on it, let it seep into your consciousness, you realize you only have about 100 years to get every single thing you’ve ever wanted to do. No second chances. This is your only shot. Suddenly, this means you should have started yesterday. No more waiting for permission or resources to start. Today is the day you make the rest of your life happen. Write down one thing you’ve always wanted to do and how you will achieve that goal. Don’t be afraid to be very specific in how you’ll achieve it: once you start achieving, your goals will get bigger and your capability to meet them will grow.
I want to change the world.
I want to change the world of theatre.
I want to change the world of technical theatre.
I want to change the world's view of technical theatre.
I will accoplish this goal by getting my degree and working on shows. I will gather a group of like minded techs and we will work on changing the world with our art.
This sounds way too simple. And like I'm in second grade. Oh well.
Take a moment, step back from your concerns, and focus on one thing: You have one life to achieve everything you’ve ever wanted. Sounds simple, but when you really focus on it, let it seep into your consciousness, you realize you only have about 100 years to get every single thing you’ve ever wanted to do. No second chances. This is your only shot. Suddenly, this means you should have started yesterday. No more waiting for permission or resources to start. Today is the day you make the rest of your life happen. Write down one thing you’ve always wanted to do and how you will achieve that goal. Don’t be afraid to be very specific in how you’ll achieve it: once you start achieving, your goals will get bigger and your capability to meet them will grow.
I want to change the world.
I want to change the world of theatre.
I want to change the world of technical theatre.
I want to change the world's view of technical theatre.
I will accoplish this goal by getting my degree and working on shows. I will gather a group of like minded techs and we will work on changing the world with our art.
This sounds way too simple. And like I'm in second grade. Oh well.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Out of Control
Something is weighing on my mind. It is kind of a big deal.
I have ADHD.
I've known this fact for a really long time. I have to deal with it every day of my life. Sure I'm medicated, and god am I lucky that this disease isn't coupled with anything else, that I know of yet. I feel like writing about this because it is such a big part of my life. It is part of who I am, its that part of myself that I want to cut away, get rid of, be done with. I can't do that any of those things. All I can do is try to live my life, which I do with lots of success, sometimes.
Honestly I feel like and emotional wreck right now. It all started because I was trying to cope with my anxiety. I have one personal project, and one peice of homework due for class. Both are causing me stress, so I go to my favorite stress reliever, the offbeat empire! I adore all of the different views on life these three websites provide, for all the different stages of life. I'm hardly in any of them, I don't own a home or rent, I am not a bride to be, and I'm definitely not a momma. But it was offbeat momma that made me face my possible future.
It is very likely that my children will have ADHD.
I've known this fact for a long time, but it doesn't make it sting any less.
Because despite having the disorder I have no idea how to a child cope with it.
Sure I may be awfully young to be thinking about how a maybe might effect my future. Maybe it isn't healthy to worry about these things. All I know is the information I'm getting by digging deeper into the moms who deal with ADHD children makes me hurt. I feel left out, I feel the sadness of knowing my future my life could have been different and it isn't my fault. At the same time it is. And all of this is pushing me to tears because I feel like I can't trust my own thoughts.
I know everyone struggles with this, but I literally cannot trust my own head. I know this is what #trust30 is for. I know that ex sent that to me because he knows me better then I know myself somedays, he knew I needed this. And once again I find myself so happy that I have him in my life, even when things seem like I should just give up and walk away. I find myself so so so happy that I have somebody who has taken the time and made the effort to get to know me and dare I say it love me for who I am. Not only that but help me become who I can be. But then it hits me.
I've switched topics three times in this post, at least. The dreaded fear comes in. Wait, is that what normal writers do? Is that how my brain is supposed to work? Even worse, will people be able to understand my thoughts? Will they just see me as some stupid teenager who has a problem and needs to whine about it?
The list goes on and on. This is how I live my life. This is how the ADHD effects me. It has left pock marks on my mind and on my heart, it has scared me in ways I'm not sure I can ever heal from. I want to start over, I want a different life. I don't want this mess I've been handed, because it isn't fair. I'm sick of being told well duh, life isn't fair. You are not me, you don't know what this problem is like.
Even when I attempt to express myself I feel anxiety, I feel the nerves, I feel the pain.
I get so trapped and paralyzed but this overwhelming fear. I feel so out of control. I know I started this blog to try and be funny, to let people know that hey I can be humorous too. I feel like I've written way to many depressing posts. I feel like I've done something wrong. I feel like I've done something worse by bringing it up.
It is hard for me to live like this, to have to feel that constant doubt in myself, in what I'm doing, in the people around me. I know that something is wrong, but I just don't know how to express it. If my attempts to communicate don't come across on the first try, I give up. Even though I usually am trying to veil the real meaning behind my words.
The truth is I don't know what to do, there are so many things that bother me and so many things that I feel like are wrong with me, even when I have plenty of people in my life that are telling me they aren't.
I know it will be okay in the end, but life is supposed to be about the journey, and my journey isn't going so great.
I have ADHD.
I've known this fact for a really long time. I have to deal with it every day of my life. Sure I'm medicated, and god am I lucky that this disease isn't coupled with anything else, that I know of yet. I feel like writing about this because it is such a big part of my life. It is part of who I am, its that part of myself that I want to cut away, get rid of, be done with. I can't do that any of those things. All I can do is try to live my life, which I do with lots of success, sometimes.
Honestly I feel like and emotional wreck right now. It all started because I was trying to cope with my anxiety. I have one personal project, and one peice of homework due for class. Both are causing me stress, so I go to my favorite stress reliever, the offbeat empire! I adore all of the different views on life these three websites provide, for all the different stages of life. I'm hardly in any of them, I don't own a home or rent, I am not a bride to be, and I'm definitely not a momma. But it was offbeat momma that made me face my possible future.
It is very likely that my children will have ADHD.
I've known this fact for a long time, but it doesn't make it sting any less.
Because despite having the disorder I have no idea how to a child cope with it.
Sure I may be awfully young to be thinking about how a maybe might effect my future. Maybe it isn't healthy to worry about these things. All I know is the information I'm getting by digging deeper into the moms who deal with ADHD children makes me hurt. I feel left out, I feel the sadness of knowing my future my life could have been different and it isn't my fault. At the same time it is. And all of this is pushing me to tears because I feel like I can't trust my own thoughts.
I know everyone struggles with this, but I literally cannot trust my own head. I know this is what #trust30 is for. I know that ex sent that to me because he knows me better then I know myself somedays, he knew I needed this. And once again I find myself so happy that I have him in my life, even when things seem like I should just give up and walk away. I find myself so so so happy that I have somebody who has taken the time and made the effort to get to know me and dare I say it love me for who I am. Not only that but help me become who I can be. But then it hits me.
I've switched topics three times in this post, at least. The dreaded fear comes in. Wait, is that what normal writers do? Is that how my brain is supposed to work? Even worse, will people be able to understand my thoughts? Will they just see me as some stupid teenager who has a problem and needs to whine about it?
The list goes on and on. This is how I live my life. This is how the ADHD effects me. It has left pock marks on my mind and on my heart, it has scared me in ways I'm not sure I can ever heal from. I want to start over, I want a different life. I don't want this mess I've been handed, because it isn't fair. I'm sick of being told well duh, life isn't fair. You are not me, you don't know what this problem is like.
Even when I attempt to express myself I feel anxiety, I feel the nerves, I feel the pain.
I get so trapped and paralyzed but this overwhelming fear. I feel so out of control. I know I started this blog to try and be funny, to let people know that hey I can be humorous too. I feel like I've written way to many depressing posts. I feel like I've done something wrong. I feel like I've done something worse by bringing it up.
It is hard for me to live like this, to have to feel that constant doubt in myself, in what I'm doing, in the people around me. I know that something is wrong, but I just don't know how to express it. If my attempts to communicate don't come across on the first try, I give up. Even though I usually am trying to veil the real meaning behind my words.
The truth is I don't know what to do, there are so many things that bother me and so many things that I feel like are wrong with me, even when I have plenty of people in my life that are telling me they aren't.
I know it will be okay in the end, but life is supposed to be about the journey, and my journey isn't going so great.
Gypsy craft
When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name; the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The world buzzes about goals and visions. Focus. Create a vivid picture of exactly where you want to go. Dream big, then don’t let anything or anyone stop you. The problem, as Daniel Gilbert wrote in Stumbling Upon Happiness, is that we’re horrible at forecasting how we’ll really feel 10 or 20 years from now – once we’ve gotten what we dreamed of. Often, we get there only to say, “That’s not what I thought it would be,” and ask, “What now?” Ambition is good. Blind ambition is not. It blocks out not only distraction, but the many opportunities that might take you off course but that may also lead you in a new direction. Consistent daily action is only a virtue when bundled with a willingness to remain open to the unknown. In this exercise, look at your current quest and ask, “What alternative opportunities, interpretations and paths am I not seeing?” They’re always there, but you’ve got to choose to see them.
This prompt is hard. Why because I don't really have blind ambition, I have far to many ambitions! I have so many ideas and dreams, today I decided that I would open the way for technical theatre artists to start actually getting recognized for their art, outside of our small community. Yesterday I was going to do something completely different. I'm constantly changing and shifting my goals opening and half closing doors to see where my life could lead.
I've got so many different paths to take that it confuses people when I try to explain what I want. Most people have one vision one dream, I've got many with my heart truly set on a few. I kind of consider myself a modern gypsy, why because I plan to roam this earth practicing my craft, living with a bunch of like minded people. I know I want to be one of the best at what ever it is I end up doing, I know I want to open the doors for other people to start seeing theatrical design, I know that is where I want to end up. I have no idea how I'm gonna do it. But goddamnit I want to get there!
Like a Boss
I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself. How will you surprise yourself this week?
I'm a pretty negative person. I typically don't really thing I can do anything. So every time I do something I'm surprised. Its a fun way to live. not exactly the healthiest but fun non the less. This week how will I suprise myself. Well for those of you who don't know I've been coping with a death in the family. Being the eldest child of the guy who is in charge of the whole affair, well that comes with surprises every day. If you had asked me last year, heck even a month ago, if I would ever have to comfort my own father, I would have laughed in your face.
Things have changed, I've turned into some kind of sanity pillar for the family and have been getting shit done like a boss lately. I've been on the top of my game and honestly I'm shocked. So I'm pretty sure that is how I'm going to keep shocking myself.
Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself. How will you surprise yourself this week?
I'm a pretty negative person. I typically don't really thing I can do anything. So every time I do something I'm surprised. Its a fun way to live. not exactly the healthiest but fun non the less. This week how will I suprise myself. Well for those of you who don't know I've been coping with a death in the family. Being the eldest child of the guy who is in charge of the whole affair, well that comes with surprises every day. If you had asked me last year, heck even a month ago, if I would ever have to comfort my own father, I would have laughed in your face.
Things have changed, I've turned into some kind of sanity pillar for the family and have been getting shit done like a boss lately. I've been on the top of my game and honestly I'm shocked. So I'm pretty sure that is how I'm going to keep shocking myself.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The thing I never ever want to own up to.
These are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Is fear holding you back from living your fullest life and being truly self expressed? Put yourself in the shoes of the you who’s already lived your dream and write out the answers to the following:
Is the insecurity you’re defending worth the dream you’ll never realize? or the love you’ll never venture? or the joy you’ll never feel?
Will the blunder matter in 10 years? Or 10 weeks? Or 10 days? Or 10 minutes?
Can you be happy being anything less than who you really are?
Now Do. The Thing. You Fear.
I wrote an entire fucking post about how I should give up on life because that is the thing I fear most. And finally after ranting about that and getting into things with ex, and how they are better and its this one tiny little thing. One little tiny thing.
I can't... I can't... I cannot have sex with him.
I'm not a virgin, this isn't even the first time I've slept with the guy. It isn't even because we broke up and got half way back together. It isn't anything normal, at least I don't think it is. Let me explain.
I can fake being turned on, I often do. Why because I love toying with guys. I love acting sexy, I love putting on the pretty clothes and acting like I know what I'm doing and I enjoy it. Until the clothes come off. I've been accused of being a tease, maybe I am but I'm not exactly sure. I know teen and college sex is notoriously crappy, but being the odd balls that ex and I are we've tried to get around that. The truth is it isn't that I'm not pleased, its that I either get these horrible leg cramps(no matter how *cough* I'm positioned) or I get depressed border line suicidal after the fact. I've searched the internet, trying to find something that may help me with this because I get the feeling this isn't normal. The whole ordeal has gone from unpleasant to unbearable.
I get so hopeful, trying to do something new trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I'm embarrassed to talk about it to my friends, since well it is kind of awkward. I can't talk to my parents. So I end up hiding it. I end up hiding that I feel like this freak that doesn't get turned on. I can't even turn myself on, which is the number one tip I've found for this kind of problem. It still doesn't work. And I get more frustrated and more upset.
The truth is it has gotten to be where I use any excuse in the book to avoid sex. If ex manages to sooth me into trying, I still have some sort of panic attack. I'm having a mild one right now for even thinking of posting this on the internet. Why because I'm afraid of sex. It is this big messy thing that I got talked into with the wrong guy at the wrong time. Everything I've dealt with that is sexual has been some kind of disaster. And when the right guy who is willing to actually try to get this right comes along, I can't get my body to act like a normal teenager with raging hormones and do it. Maybe I'll do what I fear instead of just owning up to it, but for now this is all I've got.
Is fear holding you back from living your fullest life and being truly self expressed? Put yourself in the shoes of the you who’s already lived your dream and write out the answers to the following:
Is the insecurity you’re defending worth the dream you’ll never realize? or the love you’ll never venture? or the joy you’ll never feel?
Will the blunder matter in 10 years? Or 10 weeks? Or 10 days? Or 10 minutes?
Can you be happy being anything less than who you really are?
Now Do. The Thing. You Fear.
I wrote an entire fucking post about how I should give up on life because that is the thing I fear most. And finally after ranting about that and getting into things with ex, and how they are better and its this one tiny little thing. One little tiny thing.
I can't... I can't... I cannot have sex with him.
I'm not a virgin, this isn't even the first time I've slept with the guy. It isn't even because we broke up and got half way back together. It isn't anything normal, at least I don't think it is. Let me explain.
I can fake being turned on, I often do. Why because I love toying with guys. I love acting sexy, I love putting on the pretty clothes and acting like I know what I'm doing and I enjoy it. Until the clothes come off. I've been accused of being a tease, maybe I am but I'm not exactly sure. I know teen and college sex is notoriously crappy, but being the odd balls that ex and I are we've tried to get around that. The truth is it isn't that I'm not pleased, its that I either get these horrible leg cramps(no matter how *cough* I'm positioned) or I get depressed border line suicidal after the fact. I've searched the internet, trying to find something that may help me with this because I get the feeling this isn't normal. The whole ordeal has gone from unpleasant to unbearable.
I get so hopeful, trying to do something new trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I'm embarrassed to talk about it to my friends, since well it is kind of awkward. I can't talk to my parents. So I end up hiding it. I end up hiding that I feel like this freak that doesn't get turned on. I can't even turn myself on, which is the number one tip I've found for this kind of problem. It still doesn't work. And I get more frustrated and more upset.
The truth is it has gotten to be where I use any excuse in the book to avoid sex. If ex manages to sooth me into trying, I still have some sort of panic attack. I'm having a mild one right now for even thinking of posting this on the internet. Why because I'm afraid of sex. It is this big messy thing that I got talked into with the wrong guy at the wrong time. Everything I've dealt with that is sexual has been some kind of disaster. And when the right guy who is willing to actually try to get this right comes along, I can't get my body to act like a normal teenager with raging hormones and do it. Maybe I'll do what I fear instead of just owning up to it, but for now this is all I've got.
Imitation...
Imitation is Suicide. Insist on yourself; never imitate. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Write down in which areas of your life you have to overcome these suicidal tendencies of imitation, and how you can transform them into a newborn you – one that doesn’t hide its uniqueness, but thrives on it. There is a “divine idea which each of us represents” – which is yours?
I don't know. I'm at a loss. I have so many ideas but I get frustrated and I look down on myself. I even sometimes feel bad about thinking and feeling the way I do. I often feel like I'm not original enough, like I'm thinking in cliches. This prompt just makes me feel more miserable about it. I don't know. I'm frustrated. To say the least. I really want to be unique but it is making me miserable trying to be that person. Always feeling like somebody had that thought before me and that I'm not really special. Maybe I should come back to this prompt...
Write down in which areas of your life you have to overcome these suicidal tendencies of imitation, and how you can transform them into a newborn you – one that doesn’t hide its uniqueness, but thrives on it. There is a “divine idea which each of us represents” – which is yours?
I don't know. I'm at a loss. I have so many ideas but I get frustrated and I look down on myself. I even sometimes feel bad about thinking and feeling the way I do. I often feel like I'm not original enough, like I'm thinking in cliches. This prompt just makes me feel more miserable about it. I don't know. I'm frustrated. To say the least. I really want to be unique but it is making me miserable trying to be that person. Always feeling like somebody had that thought before me and that I'm not really special. Maybe I should come back to this prompt...
Saturday, June 11, 2011
My Message
To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is genius. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?
Good question. I think I would say that they should value their children. Children are the future and we often times like it or not treat them like crap. We mess with their futures so much, in education, in government, in our own homes. Hell we won't let children even be children! What is wrong with a child running around screaming outside? Absolutely nothing. Yet we keep them indoors, we hardly spend time with them and we mold them into what we think they should be. No wonder so many teenagers rebel. I wish I had something more profound to say, but this is on my mind now.
What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?
Good question. I think I would say that they should value their children. Children are the future and we often times like it or not treat them like crap. We mess with their futures so much, in education, in government, in our own homes. Hell we won't let children even be children! What is wrong with a child running around screaming outside? Absolutely nothing. Yet we keep them indoors, we hardly spend time with them and we mold them into what we think they should be. No wonder so many teenagers rebel. I wish I had something more profound to say, but this is on my mind now.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Owning up to it
The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.
An over arching theme through all of my writing lately has been death, the events surrounding my grandmothers death. In some ways I regret that this wonderful challenge fell into my lap at this time, at others I don't. Right now I'm not sure what is scary anymore.
Except for admitting that I am an abused child.
Some of my friends know I consider my family abusive. Some of them gawk and try to get me to look at it from my parents point of view. Most of them encourage me to get out on my own, or even call the cops next time it happens. Being the stubborn knuckle head I am I finally broke down and told my parents what they were doing wrong. It was a long screaming emotional train wreck. In which this second scary thing comes out.
I am suicidal and self destructive, and I get really depressed.
I finally got my parents to listen to me. We made the right doctors appointments. We didn't know that right smack in the middle of it my grandmother would have her stroke. So even though I will be getting the help I need, my healing processes hit a dead end. Its my own damn fault, I haven't made my voice be heard because my father is mourning over the loss of his mom, meanwhile I try to be some kind of super woman and get everything done so that my family can start healing.
I can't truly admit there is anything wrong, ever.
Until now, amusingly when everything in my life is going "right". I admit that some of these problems are my own, and I desperately need to deal with them. That is the thing I've taken the first step and I'm starting to get my shit together. I am starting to become somebody who I can love, somebody that make her own way in this world. Working towards becoming someone I'm proud to know, rather then being somebody I'm scared to admit exists. There is one problem.
I don't know where this path is going, and I'm terrified.
Everyone's life is full of twists and turns that scare them. To me I'm at a huge crossroads and I've got quiet a few choices, the scariest ones are not my own. Even though I've started making steps to fix my family, I don't think they will ever let me speak. The will take their assumptions and world view, superimpose it on mine and I'm shit out of luck. I will break their hearts and make them miserable because I did what I felt was right for me. Watching what my dad has gone through with losing his mother and facing the fact his brother didn't really care has made me so scared of that future that I once willingly embraced. The truth is as simple as this though:
I can do anything.
I have been given the greatest gift of all, life. I can choose what I do with it. I have all of these plans, and I'm not going to let anyone stop me. Even if it means that I have to leave everything I've ever known. Even if it means that I piss people off more then I do when I'm silent in the background. I want to embrace who I am, even the scariest parts.
I have a good intuition.
That is scary to me because I always feel like we focus too much on ourselves and not others. Well trusting my intuition means trusting myself, and nobody else. I feel like such a hypocrite because I'm so self focused, or focused on the person closest to me. Then again I always live my life to please others, I live to serve. I'm always walking this tight rope, and sometimes I fall. I beat myself up over this cycle but I'm starting to see it as some sort of perversion of who I'm supposed to be.
This is me, and I need to learn to love it.
Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.
An over arching theme through all of my writing lately has been death, the events surrounding my grandmothers death. In some ways I regret that this wonderful challenge fell into my lap at this time, at others I don't. Right now I'm not sure what is scary anymore.
Except for admitting that I am an abused child.
Some of my friends know I consider my family abusive. Some of them gawk and try to get me to look at it from my parents point of view. Most of them encourage me to get out on my own, or even call the cops next time it happens. Being the stubborn knuckle head I am I finally broke down and told my parents what they were doing wrong. It was a long screaming emotional train wreck. In which this second scary thing comes out.
I am suicidal and self destructive, and I get really depressed.
I finally got my parents to listen to me. We made the right doctors appointments. We didn't know that right smack in the middle of it my grandmother would have her stroke. So even though I will be getting the help I need, my healing processes hit a dead end. Its my own damn fault, I haven't made my voice be heard because my father is mourning over the loss of his mom, meanwhile I try to be some kind of super woman and get everything done so that my family can start healing.
I can't truly admit there is anything wrong, ever.
Until now, amusingly when everything in my life is going "right". I admit that some of these problems are my own, and I desperately need to deal with them. That is the thing I've taken the first step and I'm starting to get my shit together. I am starting to become somebody who I can love, somebody that make her own way in this world. Working towards becoming someone I'm proud to know, rather then being somebody I'm scared to admit exists. There is one problem.
I don't know where this path is going, and I'm terrified.
Everyone's life is full of twists and turns that scare them. To me I'm at a huge crossroads and I've got quiet a few choices, the scariest ones are not my own. Even though I've started making steps to fix my family, I don't think they will ever let me speak. The will take their assumptions and world view, superimpose it on mine and I'm shit out of luck. I will break their hearts and make them miserable because I did what I felt was right for me. Watching what my dad has gone through with losing his mother and facing the fact his brother didn't really care has made me so scared of that future that I once willingly embraced. The truth is as simple as this though:
I can do anything.
I have been given the greatest gift of all, life. I can choose what I do with it. I have all of these plans, and I'm not going to let anyone stop me. Even if it means that I have to leave everything I've ever known. Even if it means that I piss people off more then I do when I'm silent in the background. I want to embrace who I am, even the scariest parts.
I have a good intuition.
That is scary to me because I always feel like we focus too much on ourselves and not others. Well trusting my intuition means trusting myself, and nobody else. I feel like such a hypocrite because I'm so self focused, or focused on the person closest to me. Then again I always live my life to please others, I live to serve. I'm always walking this tight rope, and sometimes I fall. I beat myself up over this cycle but I'm starting to see it as some sort of perversion of who I'm supposed to be.
This is me, and I need to learn to love it.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Remember
There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?
I was fourteen going on fifteen five years ago, and honestly what do you say at that age. I don't feel like there is anything to say. I can wish all I want that I would have done what I'm doing now sooner. I can wish and wish and wish. But all that leads to is a dark damp basement of regret. I could be generic and say it gets better. No even better then that, I know the exact words to say, it is good as it is, you just have to find it. I know I wouldn't listen to myself, but I definitely think its the right words.
As for five years from now, remember what your dad went through because of his brother. For a long time I've thought of leaving my family behind and never looking back. My uncle did that. He has never given a reason. To watch my dad go through the guilt of something that wasn't really his fault, I changed my mind and decided that I couldn't leave for good.
What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?
I was fourteen going on fifteen five years ago, and honestly what do you say at that age. I don't feel like there is anything to say. I can wish all I want that I would have done what I'm doing now sooner. I can wish and wish and wish. But all that leads to is a dark damp basement of regret. I could be generic and say it gets better. No even better then that, I know the exact words to say, it is good as it is, you just have to find it. I know I wouldn't listen to myself, but I definitely think its the right words.
As for five years from now, remember what your dad went through because of his brother. For a long time I've thought of leaving my family behind and never looking back. My uncle did that. He has never given a reason. To watch my dad go through the guilt of something that wasn't really his fault, I changed my mind and decided that I couldn't leave for good.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Living
Our arts, our occupations, our marriages, our religion, we have not chosen, but society has chosen for us. We are parlour soldiers. We shun the rugged battle of fate, where strength is born. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Next to Resistance, rational thought is the artist or entrepreneurs worst enemy. Bad things happen when we employ rational thought, because rational thought comes from the ego. Instead, we want to work from the Self, that is, from instinct and intuition, from the unconscious.
A child has no trouble believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. Its only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate.” - Steven Pressfield, Do the Work
The idea of “being realistic” holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place – getting “real” often means putting your dreams on hold.
Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? Write it down. Also write down the obstacles in your way of reaching your goal. Finally, write down a tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.
The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?
That is rather amusing, even though I'm behind on these posts I didn't read this one until after I wrote the first one. Goddamnit choosing a goal has come so much sooner then I expected. I'm at an honest to god loss. I know this is all about trusting yourself, but there is so much of me to trust. I could go with so many different goals and passions and I know that the next day I will wonder why I picked that one. I've made so many steps to reach goals that personally I thought were impossible dreams, and I've made them realities. I'm happy. I'm content. I don't feel like I need to really change anything... Stupid tough questions making me look at my life and go holy crap I am doing what I want to do... So I'll trust myself and say this isn't the time to focus on me.
My grandmother just passed on today, I'm trying and failing/succeeding to work things out with ex. Living is my only goal right. Only thing in my way death and all evil things. So there, I'm pretty sure I can not die for a while. I'll live to make another, better, more awesome goal.
“Next to Resistance, rational thought is the artist or entrepreneurs worst enemy. Bad things happen when we employ rational thought, because rational thought comes from the ego. Instead, we want to work from the Self, that is, from instinct and intuition, from the unconscious.
A child has no trouble believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. Its only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate.” - Steven Pressfield, Do the Work
The idea of “being realistic” holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place – getting “real” often means putting your dreams on hold.
Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? Write it down. Also write down the obstacles in your way of reaching your goal. Finally, write down a tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.
The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?
That is rather amusing, even though I'm behind on these posts I didn't read this one until after I wrote the first one. Goddamnit choosing a goal has come so much sooner then I expected. I'm at an honest to god loss. I know this is all about trusting yourself, but there is so much of me to trust. I could go with so many different goals and passions and I know that the next day I will wonder why I picked that one. I've made so many steps to reach goals that personally I thought were impossible dreams, and I've made them realities. I'm happy. I'm content. I don't feel like I need to really change anything... Stupid tough questions making me look at my life and go holy crap I am doing what I want to do... So I'll trust myself and say this isn't the time to focus on me.
My grandmother just passed on today, I'm trying and failing/succeeding to work things out with ex. Living is my only goal right. Only thing in my way death and all evil things. So there, I'm pretty sure I can not die for a while. I'll live to make another, better, more awesome goal.
Ideas
Life wastes itself while we are preparing to live. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.
Bonus: How can your goals improve the present and not keep you in a perpetual “always something better” spiral?
I think I would be doing what I'm doing right now. I've been trying to get my life together in the first place so this isn't too far off. If anything I think I would quit stalling about starting my own business, be it as a dress maker, gift wrapper, or author. I think I would stop trying to prepare and just start doing. The hardest part honestly is choosing what to do. I think that is how I get stuck in this spiral. I keep my ideas so close to me, and I know that it will take life times that I don't have to do them, but I can't let them go. I can't just choose one. I think that is what I need to do. Choose the things that mean the most to me and let my others ideas go.
If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.
Bonus: How can your goals improve the present and not keep you in a perpetual “always something better” spiral?
I think I would be doing what I'm doing right now. I've been trying to get my life together in the first place so this isn't too far off. If anything I think I would quit stalling about starting my own business, be it as a dress maker, gift wrapper, or author. I think I would stop trying to prepare and just start doing. The hardest part honestly is choosing what to do. I think that is how I get stuck in this spiral. I keep my ideas so close to me, and I know that it will take life times that I don't have to do them, but I can't let them go. I can't just choose one. I think that is what I need to do. Choose the things that mean the most to me and let my others ideas go.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Italy, sorry I fail but don't be angry.
Voglio andare a italia! Che bellissima italia.
I want to go to Italy. What a very beautiful italy(I promise it makes sense in italian!)
For those of you who don't know I have been taking italian, and I am most likely minoring in Italy. The center of the greatest western art movement is where I want to be. I'm working on getting my stuff together to go, but not really. Family crisis, and having to deal with colleges that suck at getting their crap together. Its hard.
I want to go to Italy. What a very beautiful italy(I promise it makes sense in italian!)
For those of you who don't know I have been taking italian, and I am most likely minoring in Italy. The center of the greatest western art movement is where I want to be. I'm working on getting my stuff together to go, but not really. Family crisis, and having to deal with colleges that suck at getting their crap together. Its hard.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Fading
It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance
The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?
I don't believe carbs are evil and I got my brother and I pastries today... But that isn't what matters.
Sweet jesus, just one strong belief. This prompt came at exactly the wrong and right time. The story that leads up to my explanation is pretty long, so be warned.
Yesterday I took my brother over to mow my 86 year old grandmother's lawn. When we got to the house we went around the back and put her trash cans where she could get at them. Then I went in the house while my brother preped to mow the lawn. I found my grandmother slumped over on the couch and doing what seemed to be sleeping. I shook her trying wake her up. She didn't wake, but she kept twitching and moving on her left side. My grandmother, the woman that had watched over me for nearly all of my twenty years. My grandmother one of the strongest and most inspirational women I've known was stroking. I grabbed my cell phone and tried to dial 9-1-1, at first my fingers couldn't do it. And when I finally got the numbers right my brother was in the house. I kept getting put on hold with 9-1-1. My grandma told me to shh when I said help was on the way. It seemed like it was a forever and a half before the paramedics got there. I had to answer the same stupid medical questions. I felt so goddamn lost. Like there wasn't a thing in the world I could do. I didn't know enough. I was stupid. I started to cry, not blubber and freak out but tears were streaming down my face. When they put my grandma in the streacher they asked if she was always this feisty, apparently she didn't want to go with them. I said yes. They took her out to the waiting ambulance. I asked the paramedic what I should do, I couldn't get a hold of my parents. Shound I go to the hospital? All of those questions. He gave me the answers. It seemed to take forever for the ambulance to leave. My brother and I went home.
I watched my grandmother degraded to the thing she never wanted to be, a vegetable. I watched her wither. By the time my parents saw her she was pretty much gone mentally. This is the last thing my grandmother would have wanted. Through out the last years of her life, as she faded from the woman that took care of me to the frail old lady who needed to be taken care of, she wished that she would just die already so this wouldn't happen. So that she would be stuck inbetween worlds.
I believe my grandmother is dead. I see no use in going to see her in the hospital. Almost every single one of my friends has tried to talk me out of it. Saying what if she wakes up? She wont. It would take a miracle for her to wake up. If she does wake up, well then she sure as hell won't remember me. But for some reason everyone, but three people, believe that I'm going to regret this. I'm going to regret being unable to say goodbye. To me my grandmother might as well have been dead when I found her. Her mind, her spirt, they didn't inhabit her body any more. The fragile connections that keep a soul or what ever in a body were severed. Sure her body is still alive, but to me shes running around like a chicken with her head chopped off. I know it seems cruel and well brash of me to describe my poor grandmother this way. But it is how I feel. I refuse to bend and say go say goodbye to my grandmother.
The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?
I don't believe carbs are evil and I got my brother and I pastries today... But that isn't what matters.
Sweet jesus, just one strong belief. This prompt came at exactly the wrong and right time. The story that leads up to my explanation is pretty long, so be warned.
Yesterday I took my brother over to mow my 86 year old grandmother's lawn. When we got to the house we went around the back and put her trash cans where she could get at them. Then I went in the house while my brother preped to mow the lawn. I found my grandmother slumped over on the couch and doing what seemed to be sleeping. I shook her trying wake her up. She didn't wake, but she kept twitching and moving on her left side. My grandmother, the woman that had watched over me for nearly all of my twenty years. My grandmother one of the strongest and most inspirational women I've known was stroking. I grabbed my cell phone and tried to dial 9-1-1, at first my fingers couldn't do it. And when I finally got the numbers right my brother was in the house. I kept getting put on hold with 9-1-1. My grandma told me to shh when I said help was on the way. It seemed like it was a forever and a half before the paramedics got there. I had to answer the same stupid medical questions. I felt so goddamn lost. Like there wasn't a thing in the world I could do. I didn't know enough. I was stupid. I started to cry, not blubber and freak out but tears were streaming down my face. When they put my grandma in the streacher they asked if she was always this feisty, apparently she didn't want to go with them. I said yes. They took her out to the waiting ambulance. I asked the paramedic what I should do, I couldn't get a hold of my parents. Shound I go to the hospital? All of those questions. He gave me the answers. It seemed to take forever for the ambulance to leave. My brother and I went home.
I watched my grandmother degraded to the thing she never wanted to be, a vegetable. I watched her wither. By the time my parents saw her she was pretty much gone mentally. This is the last thing my grandmother would have wanted. Through out the last years of her life, as she faded from the woman that took care of me to the frail old lady who needed to be taken care of, she wished that she would just die already so this wouldn't happen. So that she would be stuck inbetween worlds.
I believe my grandmother is dead. I see no use in going to see her in the hospital. Almost every single one of my friends has tried to talk me out of it. Saying what if she wakes up? She wont. It would take a miracle for her to wake up. If she does wake up, well then she sure as hell won't remember me. But for some reason everyone, but three people, believe that I'm going to regret this. I'm going to regret being unable to say goodbye. To me my grandmother might as well have been dead when I found her. Her mind, her spirt, they didn't inhabit her body any more. The fragile connections that keep a soul or what ever in a body were severed. Sure her body is still alive, but to me shes running around like a chicken with her head chopped off. I know it seems cruel and well brash of me to describe my poor grandmother this way. But it is how I feel. I refuse to bend and say go say goodbye to my grandmother.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Liz Danzico – Today
Your genuine action will explain itself, and will explain your other genuine actions. Your conformity explains nothing. The force of character is cumulative. – Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance
If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tracks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays. How would you describe today using only one sentence? Tell today’s sentence to one other person. Repeat each day.
Today is about my subconscious being a dick and eating patriotic ice cream waffles.
I'm told it to one person and now I'm telling you!
If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tracks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays. How would you describe today using only one sentence? Tell today’s sentence to one other person. Repeat each day.
Today is about my subconscious being a dick and eating patriotic ice cream waffles.
I'm told it to one person and now I'm telling you!
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