I fail

I made a mistake, I dumped boyfriend. Damn do I regret it. That wasn't the biggest mistake I made. I forgot that I didn't have a normal relationship. I forgot that boyfriend wasn't like wreck or weirdo, I forgot that he was special. I didn't treat him like he was intelligent. I didn't treat him like my partner, my other half. I treated him like the slaves that I've date before. I know it is stupid, and weird to say that. That I dated slaves. These boys never thought outside of the box, they always thought that normal was best and that was the best thing was the right thing.

Boyfriend wasn't and isn't like that. He is smart, he loves thought and reading. I didn't treat him like that, I treated him like the boys that had come before him. Quiet frankly I treated him like shit. I made the mistake of forgetting about him and trying to please myself.

I failed. I failed him, and I failed myself. I don't know who I failed more. I'm not sure if I can fix the mistakes I've made. I'm afraid to post this because I know he'll read it. I'm afraid it will only make things worse. Although I'm not sure I can make things worse. Cause I've messed up pretty badly this time. And the only thing that can fix it is space and time.

I hate that concept, that space and time will fix things. I guess I'm just impatient. I want things to be right, I want to say the right words, do the right things and bada boom bada bang it will all be okay. My existence will be right, I will have said the magic words and all will have healed. That isn't how this world works, we can't hack into each others brains and emotions with a few right words. Heck I don't know the words I would say. Would I say I love you thousand times? Would I say I'm sorry a million times? Would I beg for forgiveness a billion times? I honestly don't know.

I lost something, I lost a lot of things. I think the thing I miss the most is that childhood confidence, you know what I mean, that unshakable belief that you can grow up and do anything, be anything. If you ask an adult can you sing, they say no. Yet if you ask a child they will say yes. Children do not judge on if you did something well, they judge on if you did it. It isn't until we are older that we lose that wonder and excitement from just purely doing something.

When we grow up we lose so much, we lose our faith, we lose our confidence, we lose our innocence. It seems to me that from losing all this we gain unhappiness. We judge and are judged, we use what we have learned rather then making our own paths. That just doesn't seem right to me. Ever since I've become an adult I've been unhappy, I had to play by rules that don't work and frankly don't make sense. I've had to make everyone else happy and neglect myself. I've learned that the real monsters are the ones in your head, and those monsters are the hardest to get rid of.

I'm not afraid of responsibility, I'm not afraid of the adult world. I'm afraid that its messed up and that not enough people look at it with the eyes of a child and go at it with the will of a child. I'm afraid that I'm going to run myself down trying to save the world. Trying to be a hero. Yet if I look at it from the eyes of a child, and I do one thing right, I fix one thing. Then I am forever a hero.

Italy

I was going to give you guys an awesome post on something funny WITH PICTURES! But for some reason I didn't finish drawing you some pretty pretty pictures. Since I don't want to fizzle out on this whole blogging thing I wanted give you guys something interesting. So I will start on how I started taking Italian.

It all begins with my strange choice to date a military school graduate, lets call him Wreck. Because that is what this guy was, a wreck. Wreck was in the processes of dropping/flunking out of college. It went something like you don't go to any classes and we are kicking you out, well fine I quit. For some reason I had it in my little crazy head that sticking with Wreck was the right thing to do. He was from a broken and fantastically messed up home.

How any of this leads to me taking Italian. Well the one condition to me staying with Wreck was that he get a job and start supporting yourself. Wrecks idea was to go into the Air Force. Wreck was absolutely positively convinced that this would make me happy and get me to marry him. At first I was very opposed to this idea, since Wreck wanted me to be a happy house wife. This was not on my agenda. I wanted to go be a theatre major in college, Wreck did not like this idea. Wreck wanted to wisk me away to some foreign country. This seemed like a good idea to me. What I was thinking at the time was well Europe, I love Europe and mom and dad wont take me. So I'll get to go to Europe. Win win right?

Oh how wrong I was. I was more wrong then driving the wrong way on a one way street. I was more wrong then the crazy people with signs saying "God Hates Fags". More wrong then Pluto not being a planet. I was just wrong, and I'm thinking that this all fails to explain how wrong I was. Yet none of this explains why I signed up for Italian. Well it went a little something like this.

Wreck decided that he was going to try to be stationed in Italy. When it came time to register for classes I decided out of the blue that I would learn Italian.  Maybe in the hopes that I could keep this relationship alive. Luckily Wreck is out of my life, and I'm happier then ever.

P.S. Boyfriend requests that I inform you, the internet, why I've stuck with it. So I will. I wasn't allowed to take a language in high school. So I promised to myself, no I vowed to myself, that I would take a different language, something I couldn't take in high school. Next I fell in love with Italian. As cheesy as it sounds, I love butchering the lovely la lingua di italiano. Mi piace parlo italiano. If you can read that I like you and I hope you like me too.