See me?

Look at me!

I want you to look at me.

See the subtle shading in the crease of my eye?

No.

Look again?

See the way my hair frames my face.

I spent hours perfecting that!

Just so you will look at me.

But don't look at me wrong!

You right there,

What do you think of me?

You think I am ugly don't you?

I did things all wrong

I can see it in your eyes.

Oh woe is me, I am a failure!

I am never good enough,

I am better, but I am never best

I judge myself on what you see.

On the way you look back at me.

I'm self centered in that way,

All that matters is the way you look at me

And yet in the moments that no eyes are on me,

Then I am free of this curse.

All that matters is all I can create

This is who I really am.

This is what I'm too afraid to show.

All of the strength inside of me

Shining through to make beauty

So tonight I'm praying that I did it right.

I was able to shine, at least for myself.

Cause I faced my fears, and let you see something close to me.

And that is my attempt for a poetry reading next weekend... Hopefully I'll have the guts to read it.

A Work in Progress

So I actually went out last night, I went out to our random performance art thingy. This one guy read some really interesting poetry. It made me want to write and read again. But I am scared. I'm terrible at keeping my commitments. At least to myself. Though I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I have been so proud of myself lately. In a healthy way. I've been able to keep my shit together, actually live my life. I'm not to where I wish to be yet. I am getting closer. Honestly my mental health is so much better than it ever have. So are my organization skills.

I am not unhappy. But I dare say that I want to keep improving. I love the way things have been going. I need to keep working at things, including my wordsmithing.

Freak Flag

I'm finally starting to understand the song "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. I used to belt it out because it just made sense. I though that I could do it, I though that I could live my whole life just fighting everything that held me down. And through my kindness I could show these people exactly how wrong about me they were. I have lived my whole life trying to defy and then please them. I've lived my whole life for somebody else.

I didn't realize the acceptance part. I didn't realize that the song is about accepting yourself, accepting what you want. Accepting that you cannot make them accept you for who you are, all you can do is accept yourself. Stop trying to change yourself to make them happy. Understanding that defying them just to make them join you is the stupidest choice you can make. Do it for yourself.

"And if I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me take a message back from me: Tell them how I'm defying gravity."

I have to make the choice to live my life and stop looking at everyone else. I have to stop trying to mesure up. I have to look in the mirror and see myself, not anyone else. I have to see my wants, my needs, my dreams. I have to own them. I gotta let my freak flag fly. And stop letting the people who give it funny looks ruin my day.

I am Lilly's smirking revenge

So. I've had a pretty stable time here. Until today. Today I hit a massive low. When I say massive I mean massive. It isn't as bad as I used to have, thank goodness. But I am still anxious and scared. I understand why I have these feelings, and that they are perfectly normal and healthy. These are wonderful and positive things. Normally these realizations are what can drag me out of this funk. The realization that I am handling this much better than I once would have.

This time, it is way out of my control. And what is in my control disappoints me. I want to be normal. I so desperately want to be normal. I don't have a normal brain, I haven't had a normal life. Yes I am damn lucky compared to the majority of people. But just because I have more doesn't mean I should be more happy. Things do not matter. I have so much, but I am not happy because of them. I am happy because I am living. I am unhappy when I am worrying. When I am alive, I am not worrying.

Right now I am worried. I am worried because I know myself, I know my family, and I know the situation. These three things combined scare the shit out of me. I want to manipulate my words, make my family understand, have them help me. As I write this, I get my shit together. And I laugh.

You know why? I've found some of the answer. And well, some people just aren't gonna like it.

PORTENTOUS

: of, relating to, or constituting a portent <suspense,portentous foreshadowing, hints of sinister and violent mysteries — Francine Prose>

2

: eliciting amazement or wonder : prodigious

3

a : being a grave or serious matter <portentous decisions>b : self-consciously solemn or important : pompous<portentous declamation unsalted by the least trace of humor — W. H. Pritchard>c : ponderously excessive <that discipline's overwrought,portentous phrases — R. M. Coles>

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Examples of PORTENTOUS

1. <an eerie and portentous stillness hung over the camp the night before the battle>
2. <in 1969 people regarded the first landing on the moon as a truly portentous event>

What do I think?: This word is sort of conflicting with its deffinition, yet this is really cool too because it fills the gap between really excited and really nervous feelings.

What do I feel?: I feel that this word discribes a lot of my life right now. I am nervous and excited about a lot of different things.

How can I use this word?: See above.

How can I explain this word to others?: It can mean nervous or excited, or perhaps both.

Failure

The words are all I know
The world that spins around in my head
It starts to slow, when I look to express
All that I know, and betray all I don't

I'm manipulative and that is a fact,
I always try to push it to the back of my mind
And yet when emotion rolls out of my chest
The words fail to preform the desired dance
They trip off my tongue,
Or fail to come out at all
In that moment I am crushed
Failure presses down on me
Frustration pushes me in

I wish I could be more eloquent
I wish I had a biting wit.
But I am nothing but a soul
Wandering this earth,
Trying to communicate
To give you understanding

And so when I fall,
I die a little inside.
My attempts to control
Are lost and I find myself breaking
Again

I'm turning into my mother?

So for those of you that don't know, my mom is sort of a hippy lite. At least she was, she has turned into more of a suburb mom now. But like all mother-daughter relationships ours has had some strain. But today after reading my addiction, The Offbeat Empire, I figured out one of my life goals. To live in a commune.

I've always had a deep spiritual connection to nature. Though not in 100 degree weather mind you. Some of my favorite memories are of the vacations we had out in the woods. Just the personal moments I had alone and at peace with it all out in the woods, those are some of the best memories.

I like how my roommate puts it, "You want to live in a fucking cul de sac, that is what you want to live in."   She teases me because I am from the most suburby suburb ever. She probably thinks I wont survive in the woods. Or around other people. She might be right.

I wont let this stop me though. I wont let anything stop me. Cause I am just that damn awesome. Oh me and my propensity for tenaciousness. I honestly think this is one of my better qualities. I digress, yet isn't that what this blog is for? My digressions into my head. A way to speak my mind and let it be heard all over if people so choose?

I just want to connect with people. I so deeply desire that connection that I perceive others having. It is something that I chase after with all of my natural craziness and sometimes comes back to bite me in the butt. But I am hoping that eventually living in a comune might help.

The Overall solution

For all you stalkers out there, I'm tall for a girl. I am not the tallest girl out there, but I am tall. Now for those of you creepers out there this is very sexy. But it does have some problems.

First of all I am curvy. I am not fat. I am curvy. This difference is important. Not only am I tall, all parts of me are tall. I have a long torso. I have long legs. I have long arms. None of this looks out of preparation really because well I'm tall. Apparently people who make clothes do not understand this. Everything is almost always too short. So when I bend over, hello underwear, or if the universe is feeling exceptionally spiteful my ass crack. Of course everyone jumps on the opportunity to tell me about this problem... I understand you don't want to see it, I don't want it to be showing.

To truly illustrate how bad this problem is, a bely does not fix this problem. Nope. Not even a belt can save my lovely bum from being shown to the world. Because I break belts. To fit in my pants I have to get them much larger than my size so that I don't look like I'm prepared for a flood constantly. Well there is so much extra fabric that it pulls on the belt and snap! Belt is no longer functional as a belt.

So I am left with a problem, which today was finally solved. I have been planning to be Kaylee for halloween, so I went to find a pair of green coveralls. I ended up finding a pair of green overalls. As I was prancing around in them this morning it hit me, THE OVERALLS COVER MY BUTT! Why did I not think of this before? Nobody knows but from now on when I have a crew call it will be overalls, at least until after halloween.

Travail

a : work especially of a painful or laborious nature : toilb : a physical or mental exertion or piece of work : task,effortc : agony, torment

2

: labor, parturition

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Examples of TRAVAIL

1. They finally succeeded after many months of travail.
2. <no greater travail than that of parents who have suffered the death of a child>

What do I think?: I think travail sounds an awful lot like trivial, but that is just my brain being weird. But I dare say you can travail over a trivial task...

What do I feel?: I feel like this is how my brain treats every minor problem it happens upon. It turns it into this big ordeal that it doesn't need to be. It can't get over the initial shock of dealing with something so bad and it becomes an issue.

How can I use this word?: I can use this word to describe the anathema that my parents childishness causes.

How can I explain this word to others?: I would say that it is really closely related to toil.

Inside my head...

I feel at war with myself. I have gotten better, oh so much better. But the slightest things will send me back tracking. This requires so much effort and focus, which I don't always have. But I am determined to do this. I want a better life. It is just exhausting. I can't do my projects because I'm focusing on getting better(My knitting, my writing, my drawing). I can't really handle some of the situations I am already in because I am busy trying to get better.

Yet I am still focusing on negative things. I'm not asking for help when I need it. It is so difficult because while I am learning to independent I am dependent on others to help me learn, more so than others. Yet I have it so much better than others. I have done amazing things, and have been given amazing gifts. Yet I cannot always feel them. I'm working on it. I am working on a lot of things.

It is honestly to the point where I might be going to community college instead of university because of these issues. And yet even though sometimes school makes me miserable, I want to stay. I want to stay because of the program. I want to stay because I know I can do anything. I want to stay because happiness can be found anywhere if you know how to look. I can do this. I know it. It just takes a lot out of me. And I wonder why I am doing this.

What it comes to is I have to decide who I am and who I want to be. I can make this person. I am the only being that decides who I should and should not become. I get to make this choice. Nobody else. I get to do what is right for me. Nobody else.

So rather than hop me up on more drugs, I think that I am going to try and make a routine. One that revolves around my needs to relax and prepare for the day. Taking time out just to relax myself. And adhering to it. At first I was thinking I'd schedule the whole day, then I realized that was bonkers. I am ADHD and in college I need to have some freedom. So I've given myself three meditation periods through out my day. I'm going make it a ritual. A habit. Something that has meaning for me. Then hopefully I can handle the events of the day.

propensity

Definition of PROPENSITY

: an often intense natural inclination or preference

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Examples of PROPENSITY

1. He had a propensity for crime.
2. <the criminal propensities of the family extended over several generations>
3. Other researches are exploring how the adolescent propensity for uninhibited risk taking propels teens to experiment with drugs and alcohol. —Claudia Wallis,Time, 10 May 2004

What do I think?: That I have a natural propensity for paranoia and scaring the crap out of myself. Also for being overdramatic.

What do I feel?: I feel like there is a very good reason for my propensity for drama. Specially when it is way past my bedtime.

How Could I use this word?: I could use it to describe many of my own traits... Which I already have.

How would I explain this word to others?: Most women have a propensity for chocolate at least once a month.