Different?

Sorry I haven't been able to post lately, finals and roommate drama.

So Sometimes I forget that I'm different. I was reminded last night. I was hanging out with the best friend and his parents. I had my hair pulled back so my ears were showing. I had all of my piercing in. I've had my ears multiply pierced since I was 13. I got my latest hole when I was 16, I am now 20. I forget that I have them. Well best friends parents were rather shocked that I have five holes in my ears. For the rest of the night they kept joking how I had all my booty in my ears. At least it could be worse, cause I have a rather large posterior so they could have been making jokes about that.

I forget that the average is two holes. I forget that I'm edgy. I don't see myself as "different". Specially with my blue and purple tips. I honestly don't see myself that way. I don't see myself as a girl with the dragon tattoo kind of outcast. Maybe it is because I believe your fashion sense and morals have nothing to do with adulthood and responsibility. But the real change I feel that I have made is that I don't feel persecuted. I understand their confusion and their jokes. And it didn't hurt. I learned something about myself. That I am different, and there are lots of people in this world that want to understand those differences, but are confused how to go about it.

Cinderella?

I think I talked about cleaning. Mostly how I used to hate it and now I don't. How that is one of the biggest ways I knew that I was getting over my depression. Well today my mom asked me to clean our houses three bathrooms. She had no idea what she had just asked me to do. I've gone a bit nuts. I have scrubbed dust out of their grout. I have polished all wood features. I have washed their mirrors. And for my grand finale I will be placing new tea lights in their tea light holders... This is only one bathroom.

I managed to finish the second. But the third, well I left that for tomorrow.

My Life...

I have a headache. I don't like this. I think I now know how Sheldon AND Leonard of the big bang theory feels. I really should be following in the footsteps of my awesome cousin. But seeing as I'm living with the problem in a tiny dorm room and she doesn't know how to stop saying stupid things.

Its gotten to the point that I have stopped caring if she shuts up. I just want her to stop saying stupid things. "Like I will be up til dead spurt. Like I will be dead and blood will be spurting out." Yes those words came out of her mouth. I understand, I really do. I say stupid shit all the time. And it annoys people. "Omg fuck this natural light how do I make it go away... natural light wouldn't be so rude if it didn't make me so washed out." This from a girl who claims everyone else in the world is stupid as fuck...

Also I'm looking at my winter coat and wondering... hmm I wonder if I can let this out a little... Seeing as some how I am a late bloomer and have gained more curves Or maybe I can let it out a lot and add some warmer lining and then have a super warm coat! Because well I'm crazy like that.

Reverse Racism- A rant

Calling me a wasp is like assuming that because you're black you are all from the same tribe. Yes I am white, no I am not english in anyway shape or form. I am nordic and germanic. I am from sweden, denmark, norway, poland and germany. Yes I am white, yes I look like a typical white girl should look. Yes I am from the north shore, yes I am privileged, but for all of my parents money(which honestly is due to good spending habits more than anything else) we still might get screwed over. The government might take away my parents retirement money, along with many other teachers. So tell me how I am so much better off again?

My grandparents lived through the great depression. My grandfather lived in an orphanage because his parents couldn't take care of him and his siblings. His father was a drunk who ended up dying in a transient hotel probably from some long term effects of drinking... My grandfather and his wife used to have to scrape together breakfast for dinner to feed their kids because they didn't have enough money to buy enough food. So much for northsiders being rich, by the way this was in the 50s and 60s. Hell my great grandmother bullied my grandmother for speaking swedish funny because they were from two different parts of sweden. My grandma was from the less sophisticated north while my great grandma was from the south. My great aunt ended up having a shot gun wedding, and my other great aunt can't tell you who the father of two of her children is. My uncle has had three different wives and refused to come to his mothers funeral, because of his dogs. My other uncle is probably autistic and was born in the 50s, his parents were told that they should give him up and send him to an institution, but they made the brave choice to raise him themselves.

We've got a long history of being screw ups and making mistakes in my family. We aren't the best. But these are my people. I'm not proud of being Caucasian, I'm not proud of what my white family has done to others. But honestly stop assuming things just because I'm white. I am proud of my family, I am proud of my people. Just like you should have pride for yours. I don't pretend know more about your culture or your people than I do. I admit when I'm wrong and I back off. Yes my family has been privileged because we are white, but don't try and act like you know about me or my culture because my skin color fits that of the mass media.

All this because I offered to brush your hair when it was a mess. Guess what sister, I get random curled up knots in my hair too. My hair gets all matted frizzy and a mess when I roll out of bed too. I offered to help, I'm sorry that you found my offer pushy and insensitive. I treat you like I would like to be treated, and honestly if I treated you the way you treat me I would be one hell of a bitch. Yes I like making myself and others look pretty, but not by conforming to the medias idea of beauty. I want to take your image of yourself and help you make it the best possible looking image, sort of like a editor does for a writer. I believe in giving women the tools to make themselves "beautiful" if they don't want to make the effort thats fine. I will not judge them for it, but I strongly strongly believe in giving them the tools to do so if they wish to.

So go ahead and call me a white colonist. Make fun of me for quoting history and saying that all our colonizing attempts kind of failed(See vineland and greenland, iceland I don't know enough about). Miss quote me and make me sound like an idiot for saying that we left vineland because the indians were lactose intolerant and we gave them milk, it made them sick they got angry and chased us off.

In the end, yeah but you're white isn't any better of an excuse than yeah but you're black.

Barfing

I have some sort of nasty bug. With symptoms ranging from nausea always sleepy to headaches.  Its fun. Needless to say I've stayed home from class today. And here it comes, the emotional throw up. Because mood swings are like barfing.

You can feel it coming, you try to stop it. And then there you are puking all over something you ought not to be puking. You tried to stop. You tried to find a way to deal with it appropriately. But nope Your puking.

This is how my current roommate makes me feel. I also feel terrible for blogging about how much she is driving me up the wall but I've got very few people to vent to. The real question is when I want somebody to shut the fuck up and stop judging the entire world! Last monday do you know what she did? She sat and looked at peoples funny looking dicks on craigs list with her boyfriend. For their anniversary.

Now this wouldn't be a problem if I could send them to his room... which just so happens to be thousands of miles away in texas. So I'm stuck. Listening to them judge then entire world and its brother, every night, since august, with rare breaks.

So I try to go hide in the lounge, which also happens to be colder than my room, then it gets invaded by people playing pokemon. They did invite me, but you see I had a very deprived childhood and wasn't allowed to play. At all. So I have no basis for it and feel like a poser trying to play. And now I'm back in my room. Watching bones. Trying to get ready for bed

Questioning.

I have questions. I have no idea where to find answers. I'm frustrated. I'm overwhelmed. I feel like I'm fighting my way through college. Every step I take gives me new questions that I wish I'd thought of a head of time and over all I am overwhelmed. I am exhausted, my entire world is fuzzy from losing my glasses and it makes me sleepy. I have so much work to do but it is all on my own so help isn't an answer. I'm so frustrated by this department. I feel like I've been thrown to the wolves. I feel like I missed something. I feel sick. I feel tired. I feel like I can't be the only one having this problem.

I think this is why designers and builders don't get along, the reality of building something crushes the artistic processe. It makes figuring things out ten time harder because you cannot easily spilt yourself in two and talk to yourself about what is going on. Not to mention I'm still way in over my head. I'm absolutely utterly terrified I'm gonna drag my best friend down with me. Because he works in the same field as me but a different concentration. He is also proven himself to be my only confidant at this school. Thank all that is holy for him. I know I could live with out him, but goddamn it would make things so much harder.

I am working on it. I am working on following the dharma better. So that I can do this better. So that I can be better. So I can live this life I have right now to the fullest. I am trying to take refuge in this.

Today is my birthday. My presence has graced this earth for twenty years now. I made it! I made it to twenty. Its been a long journey. Lots of pain, lots of crazy. But lots of reward in the end too. I've made it thus far. I can make it a hell of a lot farther. And I'm excited to.

Left Behind

I find the bits you leave behind. All the pieces of you that stay with here even when you're gone. Sometimes you fetch them from their resting place, and take them home with you. Sometimes I hoard them, away from your eyes. But not very often. Most times I let you know, I giggle because you've left more than that with me. You've left part of yourself. And in turn I've given part of myself to you. Maybe its a little smile, maybe its a lingering hug. It is beautiful.

Bias

Okay I am experencing sexism. Not against women, but against men. I'm making ex's halloween costume. I have the time. He has paid for the materials. This is my major. I enjoy doing this. It is a learning experience. Yet I keep repeatedly being told that I shouldn't be doing this. That he is just using me to get what he wants.

Are YOU in this relationship? Nope. Its just me and him! So get the fuck out. I am doing this for my best friend, who just happens to have a penis. Who carried me through all last year. Who carried me through my grandmas death. Who loves me. Even if it is just as a friend. I just want to live my life.

Random Ass Chapter

Facts:

-Emily got dumped by her boyfriend, Chad, for the third time in the three months Roxana has know her.

-Emily and Roxana work together at the Grand Ely, but started talking over facebook two months before they moved to Ely.

-Emily depends on anyone and everyone to take care of her, especially men.

-The scene starts with Roxana writing out the reasons she is fed up with Emily, she is running them by Isaac when Berenice lovingly butts in. Berenice and Isaac constantly compare Emily and Chad to Roxana and Cain. This does not go over well and Roxana storms off.

(I apologize for any references here that don't make sense. I know I haven't worked on the novel lately but I have things that I know that I want I just haven't written about them here yet! So please bear with me.)

Bare Bones Script-Like Draft:

Roxana: "Things you do that piss me off: Number one..."

Isaac: "Randomly interrupting you with sarcastic comments."

Roxana gives her computer a death glare.

Roxana: "Moving on. Number one: You always ask for our help but when we give it you don't listen. I can only help you if you try my advice. I can't wave a magic wand and make it all better."

Isaac: "Expecially when I don't even know this person."

Roxana turns to her computer and turns her head as if to say really?

"Sorry I just don't understand if she makes you this crazy why you even talk to her."

Roxana: "Because she is a genuinely nice person, she just has a few issues."

Isaac: Loudly "Sounds like my excuse for speaking to you."

Roxana: "Shut up Isaac. I'm at my cousins, they don't need to know what is going on."

Berenice: Sticks her head down the stairs. "What don't you want us to know."

Roxana: "Nothing, Be."

Berenice: "Do I look like you can pull the wool over my eyes? I raised two teenagers and was one myself at one time." Berenice starts to walk down the stairs to where Roxana is sitting.

Isaac: "Hey Mrs. J! How are you?"

Berenice: "Hello Isaac, I'm just grand and you?"

Isaac: "Same old, same old."

Berenice: "So what are you two lovebirds talking about?"

Both Isaac and Roxana visibly blush.

Isaac: "She wishes we were lovebirds." Roxana blushes even more. "We are just trying to stage an intervention for another one of Roxana's loony bin friends."

Berenice: "She does have a habit of finding the crazies doesn't she? Oh well it runs in the family."

Roxana: "Hey! I just have a lot of compassion for others!"

Isaac: "Has she told you about Cain yet?"

Roxana visibly slumps over in embarrassment and defeat.

Berenice: "No. Who is he?"

Isaac: "He is her idiot sometimes boyfriend."

Berenice: "Idiot? Sometimes?"

Isaac: "He flunked out of college this year, and hasn't made it to the air force recruitment center yet. And because of that last bit he and Roxana are on a break."

Berenice: "Dump him completely."

Isaac: "Thats what I keep telling her. Hell she even gives the same advice to her friend in a simular situation but she just wont give up on him."

Berenice: "She'll snap out of it eventually, everyone goes through this kind of thing."

At this point Roxana starts to walk out of the room frustraited by her best friend and cousins behavior. Her phone in her hand she starts wandering down the long gravel road leading to Berenice's house. She is searching for a cell phone signal.

That is all I've got for now...

Waking Up

I've always been fascinated with my reflection. Call it petty or whatever you want to call it, I like looking at my own reflection, I always have. Even in my darkest hours I like looking at myself. But it has only been in the past few months that I've really found the beauty in my face. In my body. In myself.

Sometimes I don't recognize the pictures of me from the past, it is like some sort of disconnect. Just like the contentment makes me shine, the sadness hides me away. And I feel the freedom in my limbs. I feel my body. It is my soul's home. And I'm learning more about it every day.

And I hate and love it. Though all that matters is that I'm learning. I am functioning, on my own. I'm becoming "normal". I see it in my face, the way that I wear my own skin with confidence. I am alive, and happy to be so.

Echoes

Sometimes I feel like all I ever hear is my exs name. Like some sort of broken record. Every step I take somebody brings him up. I'd be okay with if it wasn't for the fact that he is my best friend, I consider us equals, but everyone is always choosing him over me. It is hard for me, because in both his and my mind we are equals.

I feel like I can be open and a little bit cocky about this here because I'm not sure if I know any of the people here in real life. I'm damn good at what I do. I'm not the best. But hell I'm for sure baller. So watching my ex get ahead, mostly because of his gender, pisses me off. Pisses me off might even be a mild way off saying how I feel about the situation.

Even my roommate chooses him over me. What. The. Hell. I mean sure fine it is her life, I can deal with that. Its more that I'm left fighting to just survive and find a place for next year. And the only person that is trying to really help me is my ex. The person who I get to share most of my accomplishments with, we celebrate the small steps I make towards normalcy. And I am so glad and lucky to have him in my life.

Yet I don't want my world to revolve around him. I want my own life, and I've gotten myself most of it. And I love it. I am my own person. I am healing well. I've hit some road blocks, but I've gone through and I adore it.

Yet where ever I go I still here these echoes. Echoes of him. And it hurts, not because he is gone, but because I cannot escape what was. I am having trouble being something other than his girl to this world. And I hate it.

The Shoes

Today I aim to try something new. I am going to attempt to walk in high heels. Its only taken me almost twenty years. You see I missed out on this right of passage because I'm 5'8". I have never had a guy tall enough for me to wear heals with. I'd tower over them. Okay I'm exaggerating a little but stay with me here. I have never learned how to properly walk in heals. I can do lots of other awesome amazing things, but walking in heals is a mystery to me. I have googled how to walk in them because I plan to be walking in the cute heals I bought myself last year but never wore by Wednesday. Yes by Wednesday.

Why would I torture myself in such a fashion you ask? Well I have a date with a guy that is half a foot taller than me. Half a freaking foot people. I can hear the heavenly choirs singing. Lilly can finally wear those heels that she has been dying to wear since she was big enough to know what high heels were!

What gave me this crazy idea that he would give a shit about what my feet looked like? Well he complemented my shoes last week. My oxfords. What my mom likes to call my 1940s orthopedic nurse shoes. I still think these shoes are cute but my mom, not so much. So I figured, why the hell not wear my 5 dollar heals? This is a once in a life time opportunity here! Okay maybe I'm exaggerating but still. For me this like never happens, ever.

ereaders

Today I got a nook. Having spent over 100 dollars on it already I went on a hunt to find free e-books.

I found porn, teenagers trying to be authors and twilight(which is just the worst possible combo of the two).

I want to be a writer, but I know I'm shitty. I never practice. Though at least I know I'm not that good. I try try try to be that good, but I'm not. These people don't even realize it.

Though I've loaded the nook up with classics, some buddhist writings, and Warbreaker. I've only really been reading the Sanderson. I guess I'm hoping that I will be able to absorb some of his skills. Not to mention work on becoming a more faithful follower of buddha.

See me?

Look at me!

I want you to look at me.

See the subtle shading in the crease of my eye?

No.

Look again?

See the way my hair frames my face.

I spent hours perfecting that!

Just so you will look at me.

But don't look at me wrong!

You right there,

What do you think of me?

You think I am ugly don't you?

I did things all wrong

I can see it in your eyes.

Oh woe is me, I am a failure!

I am never good enough,

I am better, but I am never best

I judge myself on what you see.

On the way you look back at me.

I'm self centered in that way,

All that matters is the way you look at me

And yet in the moments that no eyes are on me,

Then I am free of this curse.

All that matters is all I can create

This is who I really am.

This is what I'm too afraid to show.

All of the strength inside of me

Shining through to make beauty

So tonight I'm praying that I did it right.

I was able to shine, at least for myself.

Cause I faced my fears, and let you see something close to me.

And that is my attempt for a poetry reading next weekend... Hopefully I'll have the guts to read it.

A Work in Progress

So I actually went out last night, I went out to our random performance art thingy. This one guy read some really interesting poetry. It made me want to write and read again. But I am scared. I'm terrible at keeping my commitments. At least to myself. Though I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I have been so proud of myself lately. In a healthy way. I've been able to keep my shit together, actually live my life. I'm not to where I wish to be yet. I am getting closer. Honestly my mental health is so much better than it ever have. So are my organization skills.

I am not unhappy. But I dare say that I want to keep improving. I love the way things have been going. I need to keep working at things, including my wordsmithing.

Freak Flag

I'm finally starting to understand the song "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. I used to belt it out because it just made sense. I though that I could do it, I though that I could live my whole life just fighting everything that held me down. And through my kindness I could show these people exactly how wrong about me they were. I have lived my whole life trying to defy and then please them. I've lived my whole life for somebody else.

I didn't realize the acceptance part. I didn't realize that the song is about accepting yourself, accepting what you want. Accepting that you cannot make them accept you for who you are, all you can do is accept yourself. Stop trying to change yourself to make them happy. Understanding that defying them just to make them join you is the stupidest choice you can make. Do it for yourself.

"And if I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me take a message back from me: Tell them how I'm defying gravity."

I have to make the choice to live my life and stop looking at everyone else. I have to stop trying to mesure up. I have to look in the mirror and see myself, not anyone else. I have to see my wants, my needs, my dreams. I have to own them. I gotta let my freak flag fly. And stop letting the people who give it funny looks ruin my day.

I am Lilly's smirking revenge

So. I've had a pretty stable time here. Until today. Today I hit a massive low. When I say massive I mean massive. It isn't as bad as I used to have, thank goodness. But I am still anxious and scared. I understand why I have these feelings, and that they are perfectly normal and healthy. These are wonderful and positive things. Normally these realizations are what can drag me out of this funk. The realization that I am handling this much better than I once would have.

This time, it is way out of my control. And what is in my control disappoints me. I want to be normal. I so desperately want to be normal. I don't have a normal brain, I haven't had a normal life. Yes I am damn lucky compared to the majority of people. But just because I have more doesn't mean I should be more happy. Things do not matter. I have so much, but I am not happy because of them. I am happy because I am living. I am unhappy when I am worrying. When I am alive, I am not worrying.

Right now I am worried. I am worried because I know myself, I know my family, and I know the situation. These three things combined scare the shit out of me. I want to manipulate my words, make my family understand, have them help me. As I write this, I get my shit together. And I laugh.

You know why? I've found some of the answer. And well, some people just aren't gonna like it.

PORTENTOUS

: of, relating to, or constituting a portent <suspense,portentous foreshadowing, hints of sinister and violent mysteries — Francine Prose>

2

: eliciting amazement or wonder : prodigious

3

a : being a grave or serious matter <portentous decisions>b : self-consciously solemn or important : pompous<portentous declamation unsalted by the least trace of humor — W. H. Pritchard>c : ponderously excessive <that discipline's overwrought,portentous phrases — R. M. Coles>

 See portentous defined for English-language learners »

See portentous defined for kids »

Examples of PORTENTOUS

1. <an eerie and portentous stillness hung over the camp the night before the battle>
2. <in 1969 people regarded the first landing on the moon as a truly portentous event>

What do I think?: This word is sort of conflicting with its deffinition, yet this is really cool too because it fills the gap between really excited and really nervous feelings.

What do I feel?: I feel that this word discribes a lot of my life right now. I am nervous and excited about a lot of different things.

How can I use this word?: See above.

How can I explain this word to others?: It can mean nervous or excited, or perhaps both.

Failure

The words are all I know
The world that spins around in my head
It starts to slow, when I look to express
All that I know, and betray all I don't

I'm manipulative and that is a fact,
I always try to push it to the back of my mind
And yet when emotion rolls out of my chest
The words fail to preform the desired dance
They trip off my tongue,
Or fail to come out at all
In that moment I am crushed
Failure presses down on me
Frustration pushes me in

I wish I could be more eloquent
I wish I had a biting wit.
But I am nothing but a soul
Wandering this earth,
Trying to communicate
To give you understanding

And so when I fall,
I die a little inside.
My attempts to control
Are lost and I find myself breaking
Again

I'm turning into my mother?

So for those of you that don't know, my mom is sort of a hippy lite. At least she was, she has turned into more of a suburb mom now. But like all mother-daughter relationships ours has had some strain. But today after reading my addiction, The Offbeat Empire, I figured out one of my life goals. To live in a commune.

I've always had a deep spiritual connection to nature. Though not in 100 degree weather mind you. Some of my favorite memories are of the vacations we had out in the woods. Just the personal moments I had alone and at peace with it all out in the woods, those are some of the best memories.

I like how my roommate puts it, "You want to live in a fucking cul de sac, that is what you want to live in."   She teases me because I am from the most suburby suburb ever. She probably thinks I wont survive in the woods. Or around other people. She might be right.

I wont let this stop me though. I wont let anything stop me. Cause I am just that damn awesome. Oh me and my propensity for tenaciousness. I honestly think this is one of my better qualities. I digress, yet isn't that what this blog is for? My digressions into my head. A way to speak my mind and let it be heard all over if people so choose?

I just want to connect with people. I so deeply desire that connection that I perceive others having. It is something that I chase after with all of my natural craziness and sometimes comes back to bite me in the butt. But I am hoping that eventually living in a comune might help.

The Overall solution

For all you stalkers out there, I'm tall for a girl. I am not the tallest girl out there, but I am tall. Now for those of you creepers out there this is very sexy. But it does have some problems.

First of all I am curvy. I am not fat. I am curvy. This difference is important. Not only am I tall, all parts of me are tall. I have a long torso. I have long legs. I have long arms. None of this looks out of preparation really because well I'm tall. Apparently people who make clothes do not understand this. Everything is almost always too short. So when I bend over, hello underwear, or if the universe is feeling exceptionally spiteful my ass crack. Of course everyone jumps on the opportunity to tell me about this problem... I understand you don't want to see it, I don't want it to be showing.

To truly illustrate how bad this problem is, a bely does not fix this problem. Nope. Not even a belt can save my lovely bum from being shown to the world. Because I break belts. To fit in my pants I have to get them much larger than my size so that I don't look like I'm prepared for a flood constantly. Well there is so much extra fabric that it pulls on the belt and snap! Belt is no longer functional as a belt.

So I am left with a problem, which today was finally solved. I have been planning to be Kaylee for halloween, so I went to find a pair of green coveralls. I ended up finding a pair of green overalls. As I was prancing around in them this morning it hit me, THE OVERALLS COVER MY BUTT! Why did I not think of this before? Nobody knows but from now on when I have a crew call it will be overalls, at least until after halloween.

Travail

a : work especially of a painful or laborious nature : toilb : a physical or mental exertion or piece of work : task,effortc : agony, torment

2

: labor, parturition

 See travail defined for English-language learners »

See travail defined for kids »

Examples of TRAVAIL

1. They finally succeeded after many months of travail.
2. <no greater travail than that of parents who have suffered the death of a child>

What do I think?: I think travail sounds an awful lot like trivial, but that is just my brain being weird. But I dare say you can travail over a trivial task...

What do I feel?: I feel like this is how my brain treats every minor problem it happens upon. It turns it into this big ordeal that it doesn't need to be. It can't get over the initial shock of dealing with something so bad and it becomes an issue.

How can I use this word?: I can use this word to describe the anathema that my parents childishness causes.

How can I explain this word to others?: I would say that it is really closely related to toil.

Inside my head...

I feel at war with myself. I have gotten better, oh so much better. But the slightest things will send me back tracking. This requires so much effort and focus, which I don't always have. But I am determined to do this. I want a better life. It is just exhausting. I can't do my projects because I'm focusing on getting better(My knitting, my writing, my drawing). I can't really handle some of the situations I am already in because I am busy trying to get better.

Yet I am still focusing on negative things. I'm not asking for help when I need it. It is so difficult because while I am learning to independent I am dependent on others to help me learn, more so than others. Yet I have it so much better than others. I have done amazing things, and have been given amazing gifts. Yet I cannot always feel them. I'm working on it. I am working on a lot of things.

It is honestly to the point where I might be going to community college instead of university because of these issues. And yet even though sometimes school makes me miserable, I want to stay. I want to stay because of the program. I want to stay because I know I can do anything. I want to stay because happiness can be found anywhere if you know how to look. I can do this. I know it. It just takes a lot out of me. And I wonder why I am doing this.

What it comes to is I have to decide who I am and who I want to be. I can make this person. I am the only being that decides who I should and should not become. I get to make this choice. Nobody else. I get to do what is right for me. Nobody else.

So rather than hop me up on more drugs, I think that I am going to try and make a routine. One that revolves around my needs to relax and prepare for the day. Taking time out just to relax myself. And adhering to it. At first I was thinking I'd schedule the whole day, then I realized that was bonkers. I am ADHD and in college I need to have some freedom. So I've given myself three meditation periods through out my day. I'm going make it a ritual. A habit. Something that has meaning for me. Then hopefully I can handle the events of the day.

propensity

Definition of PROPENSITY

: an often intense natural inclination or preference

 See propensity defined for English-language learners »

See propensity defined for kids »

Examples of PROPENSITY

1. He had a propensity for crime.
2. <the criminal propensities of the family extended over several generations>
3. Other researches are exploring how the adolescent propensity for uninhibited risk taking propels teens to experiment with drugs and alcohol. —Claudia Wallis,Time, 10 May 2004

What do I think?: That I have a natural propensity for paranoia and scaring the crap out of myself. Also for being overdramatic.

What do I feel?: I feel like there is a very good reason for my propensity for drama. Specially when it is way past my bedtime.

How Could I use this word?: I could use it to describe many of my own traits... Which I already have.

How would I explain this word to others?: Most women have a propensity for chocolate at least once a month.

ANATHEMA

Dictionary Definition

Definition of ANATHEMA

1

a : one that is cursed by ecclesiastical authorityb : someone or something intensely disliked or loathed —usually used as a predicate nominative <this notion wasanathema to most of his countrymen — S. J. Gould>

2

a : a ban or curse solemnly pronounced by ecclesiastical authority and accompanied by excommunicationb : the denunciation of something as accursedc : a vigorous denunciation : curse

Examples of ANATHEMA

1. a politician who is anathema to conservatives
2. ideas that are an anathema to me
3. Maugham was not only prolific but also a best-seller, though snobs dismissed his work as middlebrow (a category that few people worry about in our day but that once was anathema). —Edmund White, New York Review of Books, 12 Feb. 2009

What do I think?: I think that this is a situational word. A formal word that at some time became a coloquial word. It is also a strong word.

What do I feel?: I'm not sure what I feel about this word. If anything I feel distant. Yet close. I feel like I could be something of an anathema to my parents. I'm sure every teenager feels like that at times.

 

How can I use this word?: I'm not sure. It seems really specific and strong. Any use of it would really be hyperbolic rather than genuine. I'm not sure if that is a bad or good thing. I know Hemingway would beat me over the head with it.

How will I explain this word to others?: I'd say that it is something akin to an extremely strong pet peeve. 

Words

So I've fallen behind on my writing. I've mostly been posting random emotional crap. Which apparently isn't that interesting. So I'm starting a new side project.

Word Smithing


I want to pick apart the words that I use, put some new ones in there. I want to examine them, I want to look at them and ask myself what does the dictionary say, what do I think, what do I feel, how can I use this word, how will I explain this word to others?

I always complain that english sucks because we don't have the right words. Well what if we aren't using all the words we have. I'm challenging myself to write at least three posts a week about three different words.

Sexy?

Yesterday one of the great mysteries of my life was solved once and for all.

Why do I attract creepers?

Well the reason is apparently I look very sexy when I'm close to becoming violently ill. In the past two days me looking like this:

Has gotten me hit on almost every time I go out. 

Normal me that looks like this:

Gets ignored.

Sense not being made! At least I have the answer to one of my lifes greatest questions!

Balance and Snowflakes

I stumble too much. This morning during my morning stumble fest I came across a graphic that said he is 90% of the reason that I get up in the morning, the other 10% is because I have to pee. Amusing, but it made me thing why the hell DO I get up in the morning?  Serious question here, what really drives my life?

And there is a part of me that goes automatically HIM! And at first I really agreed with that quote, it was a bit snarky and romantic(A little like me, at least I think). And thanks to my roommate I thought about that assumption, and in that moment, I realized that there was no way in hell that he was the one that I getting my ass out of bed for. I am not living my life for him, if anything I'm currently doing it for my parents. I wake up and I go to school and I try to do my best. I try to do everything to make them happy, because my survival depends upon it. I would literally die without my parents support, or come very close. I am terrified not to be my best, to make a single mistake.

I am afraid to live. I am afraid to veer off the path that my parents have mapped out for me. I am afraid of the unknown, even though I always question what is known. I sit and I think and I think about it, and that to me is fun. Yet I'm never happy with what I have. I am always looking for more, more because that is what expected of me. Expected by everyone around me. I let fear and greed drive me. Is that really what I want for my life?

And again I start looking at the web of causes, all the things that come together to make up my experiences. The things that have shaped me into who I am. I see that and I go, that is the difference between children and adults, children let the world shape them, for better or for worse. Adults are set, their view are set and made, they will not change. Like everything else in this world, both extremes have good and bad parts.

And I'm sitting here, thinking about everything I've discovered. I want to shoot myself in the head. Because it is so much fucking easier to be un-happy. Happiness isn't easy. Hell contentment isn't easy. It isn't happy in the first place, but add in all the pressures of the modern world and well oh holy shit what the fuck is going on here! Everything is wrong, and everything is right. I am not handling this fact well. Hopefully I will be able to in time, but I know I've come upon this realization serval times in my life time and each time I subsequently forget it. Because I haven't dealt with it.

Despite everything being right and wrong, the rights and wrong that matter are my own. This does not mean that my rights or wrongs are superior to anyone else's. Just different. In fact, if they are what works for me then they are only best for me. If they help others, that is wonderful, if they don't well that is life.

So fucking what if each snowflake is individual, if that is the nature of snow flakes then does that make each different snowflake special? No, individual and special are two different words and have two different meanings. Individual means that they are different and distinct from all the others. Different and distinct do not mean that any one snowflake is more beautiful than the rest. There is no way to measure beauty. Yes there are numbers like the golden ratio and such that can predict that humans will most likely find that snowflake more attractive. But the golden ratio does not tell us something is beautiful. We decide that for ourselves.

That is the tricky thing about statistics. They are numbers, and yet what most of us do not realize about them is that they are a chance. Following stats is basically gambling, and sometimes even when you do all the right things, you will still loose. This is the nature of things. Maybe we will eventually find out why this happens, but I'm not even sure if we get that far it will stop it from happening!

What I'm trying to say in a really uber roundabout way is that there is no one snowflake that 100% of the people in the world, ever, agreed is more beautiful than the rest. The same goes for people. There is no one person that is better than all the rest. There never will be. We are all the same by virtue of us all being different. Some snowflakes, and people, may be radically different from the others, but the only thing that makes them is more different. I'm sure a bunch of people are asking, but what about people like Mother Theresa or Hitler, they were completely good and completely bad, how can you say that I am just the same as them? That is the difference between humans and snowflakes. We can pretty much measure every dimension of a snowflake, we can physically quantify every little difference about it and possibly compare it to all the other snowflakes ever. We cannot do that with peoples thoughts. At the end of the day the only thing you truly own is your thoughts, and no one can take that away from you. Maybe secretly Hitler felt terrible, maybe Mother Theresa secretly wanted to punch everyone in the face.  We cannot know this, and we cannot measure it. Special people are people with outward extremes that can be perceived as a good or bad by others.

So where am I going with this? What I'm trying to say is we are all different, and this is neither good nor bad. It is a fact. What works for you might not work for someone else. In the grand scheme what does it matter? The only thing we can do is to live our lives the way we want, and let things effect us the way we want.

But the best thing we can do is stop judging ourselves.

Sunlight

Eyes fly open, drawing the curtains to a soul

At the dawn of its enlightenment

Senses set on fire, but delights formerly denied

Doors once locked and barred fly open

And all that was is washed clean

By all that could and would be

And yet fear still hides,

In the corners unilluminated by reason

Lurking for its chance to resume

Ruling thoughts.

Steel

I once had someone describe me as steel, so many different conflicting aspects, so many different shapes I could take, so many different things I could do. All of them beautiful, all of them important.

At the time I was only looking for flattery. It has almost been a year since he said those words to me, but I don't think they have every rung more true. He saw what I couldn't see, he saw who I could be. He asked if he could be my tempering flame, I'm not sure he knows how true that term has become for our relationship. Maybe that was his intent, because through all the years he has been behind me pushing me to be more. Pushing me to take one more step, to become somebody that I could be proud of.

Yet I can't share this with barely anyone. They tell me I'm reading too much into it. That life isn't a fairy tale. That I've got my head in the clouds. That I need to be realistic. I need to move on. I hear it all the time, and yes maybe I do share my feelings, my insecurities, my pain, my sorrow, my joy, my worries, my hopes, my dreams, about him too much. There is so much more to me than him, but I feel like the only person that really understands that is him.

All these people that tell me to be more realistic, they don't accept my other dreams either. They tell me I cannot go to Italy. They tell me that I'm crazy for trying to be a writer. That I shouldn't joke the way I do. That I shouldn't adhere to any one religion because no religion is going to fit perfectly. They tell me I'm stupid for believing that there is some kind of magic out there.

For some reason I call these people my friends.

And yes they do have some good points. But then they turn around and say I should be more accepting of others? And yes they are right about that, but at the same time they are wrong. None of these people want to accept me for who I am, why the hell should I spend time with them? I can accept them sure, but spend time with them, are you insane? 

Maybe it is because I always see and hear the negative first, I keep those things close to me because that is all I have ever known. I'm fighting that, I'm working every day at a tangible change. I am doing everything I can to temper myself into steel, to become something better than I was. And I have come so far from where I was, I've had the summer to sit on my own and really be unaffected by others. Now that I'm back at school I feel trapped.

I feel like I'm in a cage.

I do not always know how to act and react. How to communicate my feelings at the appropriate times in the appropriate ways. I feel trapped because he is there watching me, and I do not want to mistake. I feel like the spotlight is on me, like I cannot move because I am blinded by the light he is shining on me. I feel like I can't be myself because I'm always on display and I always have to be perfect. If I screw up in one small way I could ruin what I want, inadvertently. I feel my prison getting tighter as I realize that there is no good way for me to tell him how this is bothering me. I feel frantic and stuck because there is nothing I can do and it isn't fair to me. I want to break free of this, to say that I am done with this stupid game, that I am not some pet or toy to be played with.

Yet then I would lose the person that has always seen the best of me, and the worst. Maybe I've lost him already, I don't know but as of right now there is still a chance. But I know that if I tell him how I feel right now, I will be disrespecting his wishes and it will all be done. So this becomes a catch 22. It gets worse when the only way to get him to listen to me is to physically force him to do it, or have another person help me. Which would only make this so much worse. 

And everyone of course has their own opinion and are pressuring me to do something other than what I have planned. Every once and a while I get someone supportive and I love it. I am so blessed to have those people in my life. I do not know what I would do without them. Yet the others... I just want to get away from it. I can't trust them to respect my beliefs, I can't trust them to respect my wishes. And it hurts. And makes this even more a prison. 

And yet in the darkest moments there is light. I know I can get through this, even though I may not know exactly how I will do it, I will get it done. I will be strong. I will be steel. And if he never gets to see what all his work has done, it is his loss and another's treasure. But one way or another I will become steel.

I am going to die...

I haven't done a funny post in a while. So here it goes...

Today I got a text message from my father: Watchout an emu is on the loose and headed twoards bloomington. There are two very important things you must know.

This is an emu.

This is me, when I see a bird.

I am terrified, no pathologically afraid of birds! Why might you ask? Well you see, I was viscously attacked by a rooster, WITH SPURS, when I was about four. I looked like I had been in a gang fight, bruises, cuts, the whole shebang.

So when my dad tells me there is a six foot tall flightless monster on its way to my town, I'm freaking out. I don't think this picture of me still in my pajamas, with my hair curling and my eyes wide open does this justice! I fracking hate birds. I loath birds. I freeze and cannot move when I see a bird. When a sparrow flies by I let out screams of fear akin to a horror movie hooker being cut into little bite sized pieces for a cannibal.

So if you never hear from me again, this is why. I have been killed by an emu!

Making the Best

Things are looking up. I'm starting to feel at home here, making friends. I love it. I've been helping people out, mostly freshmen. Making friends and such. Trying to be the helpful sophomore that I never had. It has gone well. Thank all that is holy that my medications started working. 

I'm still a little bit nervous, I have a plan... But I dunno. We'll see where life goes. I should really write chapter two, but I haven't had any inspiration...

Half Moon Magic- Chapter One(Draft one)

Okay, so this is my attempt at my first chapter. I know how I want this to be written, but I'm not exactly sure how to do this.

Mornings are a wonderful way to start a story. Not only do stories that start in the morning have a poetic sense to them, they also give a sense of what every day is like. Mornings are inherently full of ritual. So this story begins with a morning.

At five thirty Roxana's alarm goes off. Her body does not stir. The alarm rings again five minuets later. Roxana doesn't even twitch. Another five minuets pass, her mother starts her rounds. First Martin's room, Martin is Roxana's brother. He is four years younger than Roxana. Mother's voice carries through Roxana's door, 

"Wake up. It is time to wake up. Rise and shine". Roxana's eyes snapped open, she closed them again to examine the wispy memories of her dreams. A high squeak signaled the opening of Roxana's door.

"I'm awake." It was a game that Roxana played with herself, telling her mom she was awake before she could open her mouth.

"Good morning Rox. You gonna get out of bed?" Her mothers tone switched over from warrior to mother. 

"Yup." Roxana's phone was already in her hands and she was texting him.

"You at it already Roxie?" Her mother sighed, she did not like him.

"Of course, it would be rude not to say good morning."

"Whatever you say dear." Her mother left, with a distinct heaviness to her step.

Roxana unplugged the phone from its charger and started the daily dance of crawling out of her bed and down the ladder one handed. From there her morning continued. She continued to try and get a hold of him. She didn't hear from him.

Roxana went through a typical morning, putting clothes on, fixing her hair, doing make-up, all with her phone right beside her. Every few moments she looked over at it hopefully, thinking that this time he might answer her. Each time there was no answer she felt a twinge of disappointment. If he did not text her back, he was not awake. If he was not awake he would miss class. If he missed class he flunked out of school. If he flunked out of school, well their relationship was doomed. Each time he didn't respond her texts became more and more frantic. As if the more times his phone rang he would wake up and answer it, and get to class.

A half hour passed and Roxana found her self on edge. Martin was running late, as usual, and they had to be on time to school to drop off their neighbor Alex.

"Come on butt munch lets go!" Roxana yelled up the stairs.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." Martin replied as a he pulled his pants on. Roxana sighed, it was like this every morning but it never stopped irritating her. Martin finally got himself together and the siblings went out to the car. Alex ran over and the three got off to school without a hitch.

What they didn't know was this was the beginning of the day that changed everything.

I think the ending is a little too ominous, and perhaps a little too short. Of course I will keep working on it.

Drugs

For those of you who don't know. I have to take pills to keep me semi sane. Who am I kidding I'm totally insane anyway. I just have to take drugs so I don't piss other people off by being annoying(ADHD) and so I don't piss them off again by being sad(Depression). If you can't tell the drugs for the depression aren't working. I finally called the doctor. I was told that I was indeed going through withdrawl. Fun.

Of course I'm still all alone in my dorm room... Not by choice this year. Whatever.

College... Year Two!

So. I'm moving back into college today. Let the insanity start!

I'm rather nervous cause I'm brining my grandma's ring, but not grandma(She's in a locket, or whats left of her is.). I know awkward details nobody needs to know. Its just nice to have a part of one of the bravest strongest most sarcastic women I've had the pleasure of being related to with me. Plus its pretty... and my finger feels weird without it on. I'm just making excuses for myself now.

...

So in all the insanity I forgot to finish this post. I got here, I fought, I had Stake n Shake. I also got sick(happens every damn time I move from home to college!) Which is why I'm up so early. I actually have plans to hang out and be social today! With somebody not my roommate. I'm excited.

Angst

Dear Depression,

I hate you. I loath you. I wish that you had never become a part of my life. I never asked you to come and invade my thoughts, and yet here you are giving everything a gray scummy haze. I have been fighting you my whole life. At least as long as I can remember. You have taken everything from me, including the thing I hold most dear: myself.

I have fought you, tooth and nail. I have tried to hide this demon inside me from the rest of the world. I've tried to make it seem as if I am normal. I've taken pills, I've told my story to those who were supposed to help. And I was betrayed, again and again. Because of you. You imbalance of chemicals in my brain. You that causes fear that paralyzes me. You that I have little control over.

Go a head and say we see life how we wish to see it, but this is not the case. I have grasped at the light, I know the light is there, but when you, my demon, are in control I cannot hold on to it. I can not hold onto the lights of my life. Because of that, because of this curse, this burden that I had no part in, I have spiraled out of control.

At first I didn't understand. I was too young, to inexperienced to know that this was not right. I thought I was being punished for something. I though that god had made a mistake. That I was some kind of fluke. That it was my fault that people were mean to me, and while those thoughts lingered in the back of my mind I had them confirmed. They were confirmed by the adults with the training to help me. They told me it was my fault for being impulsive, this is why the other kids didn't like me.

It has only been in the last two months that I have truly battled you. I have looked you in the eye and I've ripped apart your lives. I've rescued myself. I have started the rest of my life, my life without you.

And yet you are still here. You sneak up on me, you take total control of me. No matter how much good I see, no matter how many blessings I have, you turn them dark. I fight you, I do. I try to make it so that I can use the lessons I've learned.

Today you won. Tomorrow you wont. I will not let you win. I got my life back once and I will do it again. I will hunt you down you sneaky bastard until you are banished from me. I will use every goddamn tool I have at my disposal. I will not let you take over my life again. Let this be your warning you piece of shit. I'm coming for you, since its my head your in, theres no place for you to hide that I cannot find.

Hell hath no wrath like a woman who you fucked with,
Lilly

Life

So I've been working on my fears, working on putting my self doubt in a jar as my cousin told me. I've had a lot of success so far. Life seems to be coming together for me. I know that it will never be perfect. I know that things will go up and down. Yet I'm happy. I'm happy that I'm alive. I'm living my own life. I'm taking charge.

And guess what, for once it is working! Heh. I'm actually getting on top of things and working on it rather then sitting around lamenting what has gone wrong... I just need to keep working out my writing muscles! I 've started posting my theories about a book series I read on their forums, its going quiet well. Yay analytical muscle work out! Woot positivity. And all other kinds of exclamations of awesomeness that is going down in my life! Lots of happiness around here. And most importantly balance and contentment.

Erik

Character Chart

PART I. PHYSICAL
Full name: Erik
Date of Birth/Age: November 1 1972, 39
Address:
Race/Ethnic Background/Nationality: Swedish and Finnish
Height: Around 6' 1"
Weight/Body Build: 190 lbs, kind of chunky.
Hair: Dirty Blonde.
Eyes: Brown.
Peculiar Physical Traits:
Glasses/Contacts: Nope
Smokes: When he was in college.
Nervous Habits: Stuttering.
Distinguishing Marks
Health: Good.
Smell: Manly....
Voice: Kind of high for his build, but very calming.

Usual Walking Style: Normal?
Mannerisms: Doesn't talk with his hands, has no real mannerisms.
What type of clothes/shoes/accessories does he/she wear? Typical guy stuff with a nerdy twist.
Any peculiar tastes in clothes/shoes/accessories? T-shirt and jeans, like most men.
Eating habits/mannerisms/tastes: Loves food. Adores food. Worships the fridge, the holy alter of food.

PART II. GENERAL
Occupation/Social Class:  Upper middle class.
Views on Money/Spending Habits: He has it, he saves it, he uses it.
Education/Intelligence: Has a college degree, highly intelligent.
Marital Status: Single!
Birth Order: Second born.
Political Party/Views: Thinks that the government has gone to hell.
Religious Beliefs/Strength of Beliefs: Loosely christian...
Sexual Orientation/Values: Straight... Thats all I really know right now.
What is his/her usual disposition? Happy, but a realist, which some take a pessimism.
Optimist/Pessimist? Realist all the way!
Introvert/Extrovert? A little bit of both I think, but more towards extrovert.
Confident/Self-conscious? More confident than anything.
How does he/she feel about his/her appearance? He cares but not to the point of vanity.
Type of car: A truck.
Most important possession: His tools.
Hobbies/Recreations/Sports: He likes to tinker with things, work on projects, he takes after his father in that way. He enjoys watching sports but he isn't a huge sports fan.
Talents: Tinkering, definitely tinkering. Oh and being right.
What is a normal day like for this character? Working, having crazy ideas, messing with his latest projects.
Greatest Fear: Failure.
Major Goals
1.
2.
3.
4.
PART III. RELATIONSHIPS
Significant Other/Relationship: Nobody yet.
Who does he/she live with? Himself, the only person that you truly have to live with.
Who does he/she spend the most time with? His co-workers and occasionally his family.
Father/Relationship with him/Occupation: Howard. Definitely awesome. Shop teacher.
Mother/Relationship with her/Occupation: Berenice. Not as awesome as his dad.
Siblings/Relationships: Heather, pretty awesome.
Children/Ages: None
Best Friend: .... Haven't named him yet derrrrrp.
Other Important Friends: See above.
Feelings toward animals: Loves dogs, is okay with cats.
How does he/she view his family? He loves them and all the quirks that come with them.
How does he/she view his friends? Pretty much the same as his family.
How does he/she view his boss/co-workers/employees? Depends who they are as a person, he tends to get really annoyed at ignorant people.
How does his family view him? They love him unconditionally, as family should.
How does his friends view him?
How does his boss/co-workers/employees view him? They think he is pretty brilliant, and they get annoyed and jealous sometimes.
Who is his hero?
Other comments: I need to work on this more, and add last names! Oh well at least I'm flexing my writing muscle.