I stumble too much. This morning during my morning stumble fest I came across a graphic that said he is 90% of the reason that I get up in the morning, the other 10% is because I have to pee. Amusing, but it made me thing why the hell DO I get up in the morning? Serious question here, what really drives my life?
And there is a part of me that goes automatically HIM! And at first I really agreed with that quote, it was a bit snarky and romantic(A little like me, at least I think). And thanks to my roommate I thought about that assumption, and in that moment, I realized that there was no way in hell that he was the one that I getting my ass out of bed for. I am not living my life for him, if anything I'm currently doing it for my parents. I wake up and I go to school and I try to do my best. I try to do everything to make them happy, because my survival depends upon it. I would literally die without my parents support, or come very close. I am terrified not to be my best, to make a single mistake.
I am afraid to live. I am afraid to veer off the path that my parents have mapped out for me. I am afraid of the unknown, even though I always question what is known. I sit and I think and I think about it, and that to me is fun. Yet I'm never happy with what I have. I am always looking for more, more because that is what expected of me. Expected by everyone around me. I let fear and greed drive me. Is that really what I want for my life?
And again I start looking at the web of causes, all the things that come together to make up my experiences. The things that have shaped me into who I am. I see that and I go, that is the difference between children and adults, children let the world shape them, for better or for worse. Adults are set, their view are set and made, they will not change. Like everything else in this world, both extremes have good and bad parts.
And I'm sitting here, thinking about everything I've discovered. I want to shoot myself in the head. Because it is so much fucking easier to be un-happy. Happiness isn't easy. Hell contentment isn't easy. It isn't happy in the first place, but add in all the pressures of the modern world and well oh holy shit what the fuck is going on here! Everything is wrong, and everything is right. I am not handling this fact well. Hopefully I will be able to in time, but I know I've come upon this realization serval times in my life time and each time I subsequently forget it. Because I haven't dealt with it.
Despite everything being right and wrong, the rights and wrong that matter are my own. This does not mean that my rights or wrongs are superior to anyone else's. Just different. In fact, if they are what works for me then they are only best for me. If they help others, that is wonderful, if they don't well that is life.
So fucking what if each snowflake is individual, if that is the nature of snow flakes then does that make each different snowflake special? No, individual and special are two different words and have two different meanings. Individual means that they are different and distinct from all the others. Different and distinct do not mean that any one snowflake is more beautiful than the rest. There is no way to measure beauty. Yes there are numbers like the golden ratio and such that can predict that humans will most likely find that snowflake more attractive. But the golden ratio does not tell us something is beautiful. We decide that for ourselves.
That is the tricky thing about statistics. They are numbers, and yet what most of us do not realize about them is that they are a chance. Following stats is basically gambling, and sometimes even when you do all the right things, you will still loose. This is the nature of things. Maybe we will eventually find out why this happens, but I'm not even sure if we get that far it will stop it from happening!
What I'm trying to say in a really uber roundabout way is that there is no one snowflake that 100% of the people in the world, ever, agreed is more beautiful than the rest. The same goes for people. There is no one person that is better than all the rest. There never will be. We are all the same by virtue of us all being different. Some snowflakes, and people, may be radically different from the others, but the only thing that makes them is more different. I'm sure a bunch of people are asking, but what about people like Mother Theresa or Hitler, they were completely good and completely bad, how can you say that I am just the same as them? That is the difference between humans and snowflakes. We can pretty much measure every dimension of a snowflake, we can physically quantify every little difference about it and possibly compare it to all the other snowflakes ever. We cannot do that with peoples thoughts. At the end of the day the only thing you truly own is your thoughts, and no one can take that away from you. Maybe secretly Hitler felt terrible, maybe Mother Theresa secretly wanted to punch everyone in the face. We cannot know this, and we cannot measure it. Special people are people with outward extremes that can be perceived as a good or bad by others.
So where am I going with this? What I'm trying to say is we are all different, and this is neither good nor bad. It is a fact. What works for you might not work for someone else. In the grand scheme what does it matter? The only thing we can do is to live our lives the way we want, and let things effect us the way we want.
But the best thing we can do is stop judging ourselves.
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