Book Idea?

When some one you love has cancer it is a terrifying thing. They come home from doctors appointments with tons of papers you can barely understand. They tell you everything is okay, but you know that it isn't. You know that some day, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe in ten years from now this cancer will come back. Now the person you were considering spending the rest of your life with has less life to live.

I am David, and this is my story. Or a part of it at least. I'm not the best of people, I'm not known for my intelligent life choices. I try my best to do what is right, but most often I end up fucking up and making a mess of things. This story is about one of those mistakes.

Cara is beautiful. Even now with the scar that marks her neck. It isn't a large scar, only about four inches long and about of an 1/8th of an inch thick. Cara's scar sits right where her neck meets her body, and it is easy to hide with a scarf of a large necklace. Most people don't even notice it, even those who have known her for a long time. She likes to make jokes about it, I can't remember most of them right now but I know a few have to do with harry potter.

Cara was incredibly skinny, almost too thin. She was too short to be a model at 5'5", but she didn't let this bother her. She has gained some weight from the side effects of the cancer, but she just looks more average now. She has the most stunning hazel eyes, with a bright emerald green at the center and a deep chocolate brown at the edges. Cara often uses her eyes as a weapon, with an intense gaze that could burn a hole in steel. Her hair is a deep brown with reddish undertones that falls just below her chin. Sometimes she does something to it to make it a more vibrant red, but I think it looks good either way.

I miss her. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my short life to leave her. But I just couldn't take it. I couldn't take watching her get so sick and angry. Even though she had every right to be angry, her situation sucked. I can't even begin to imagine how much it sucked. And I made it worse.

The Overall solution

For all you stalkers out there, I'm tall for a girl. I am not the tallest girl out there, but I am tall. Now for those of you creepers out there this is very sexy. But it does have some problems.

First of all I am curvy. I am not fat. I am curvy. This difference is important. Not only am I tall, all parts of me are tall. I have a long torso. I have long legs. I have long arms. None of this looks out of preparation really because well I'm tall. Apparently people who make clothes do not understand this. Everything is almost always too short. So when I bend over, hello underwear, or if the universe is feeling exceptionally spiteful my ass crack. Of course everyone jumps on the opportunity to tell me about this problem... I understand you don't want to see it, I don't want it to be showing.

To truly illustrate how bad this problem is, a bely does not fix this problem. Nope. Not even a belt can save my lovely bum from being shown to the world. Because I break belts. To fit in my pants I have to get them much larger than my size so that I don't look like I'm prepared for a flood constantly. Well there is so much extra fabric that it pulls on the belt and snap! Belt is no longer functional as a belt.

So I am left with a problem, which today was finally solved. I have been planning to be Kaylee for halloween, so I went to find a pair of green coveralls. I ended up finding a pair of green overalls. As I was prancing around in them this morning it hit me, THE OVERALLS COVER MY BUTT! Why did I not think of this before? Nobody knows but from now on when I have a crew call it will be overalls, at least until after halloween.

The Cast

As I promised, I am going to start working on my novel. The whole basis of my story is my cousins, the people who mean the world to me. As with every extended family its well... complicated. You have your heroes, your villains and everyone in between. I will try to keep the relationship connections at bay, this is about the characters, not the way they relate. Yet...

The Family

Berenice
Berenice is the glue of the family. She can be a little judgmental at times, but over all she has a good heart. She has helped out members of the family when others wouldn't. Berenice is a mother and a grandmother. She took care of her mother Ruth in her old age. She hosts the family reunion every year at her house. She also enjoys quilting.

Heather
Heather is kind of a sour puss. She has a bit of an attitude, and a snarky one at that. At first her comments and behavior may be off putting but she does care about others. She means well and is a kind person at heart. She has a daughter and a husband. She also enjoys knitting.

Bridget
Bridget is very artistic. She has lots of talent with even more of a teenage attitude. She has her moments but she is still a good person. She can be a little odd at times but she fits right in with the rest of the family. She loves drawing on her tablet.

Miles
Miles is Heathers's husband. He has a kind heart but he works with Heathers's snarky attitude. He is and over all quiet person though. He enjoys riding his motorbike.

Erik
Erik is the family odd ball. He has a bit of a snarky attitude like Heather but the kindness of Grace. He truly cares about others and is a good listener. He loves bacon and enjoys playing around with things and making them better.

Howard
Howard is Berenice's husband. He is a quiet and brilliant man. He is a former high school shop teacher and enjoys building things, he built all the buildings at the lake house. He can be a bit abrasive especially when teasing. He enjoys building things and figuring it out how it works.

Grace
Grace is a kind hearted and sympathetic nurse. She truly cares about people and is an excellent listener. She had a rough split with her husband way back then. She re married and she is very much in love. She enjoys the arts.

Kevin
Kevin is Grace's husband. He is a sweet quiet man who very much loves his wife. He has kids from a former marriage. He has some money but doesn't really flaunt it. He loves to read on his ereader.

Ida
Ida is sarcastic, but not the same as Heather. She has a great heart and really cares about others. She loves animals and kids. She is the furthest away from the rest of the family but enjoys getting together with all of the cousins. Her and Heather are the closest.

Stan
Stan is Idas husband. He works for the DNR. He loves to fish and is wonderful at it. Stan has lost some of his hearing and has to wear hearing aides. If he doesn't, well hilarity ensues.

Hannah
Hannah isn't a teenage yet but she is on the cusp of it. She enjoys acting and wants to be an actress. She gets along well with Libby. She swims and plays cello.

Connor
Connor is a doctor. His nickname is spanks. Nobody in the family knows why. He enjoys his wine, but not in a bad way. He can be a bit cranky at times, but so can everyone else.

Evangeline
Evangeline is Connor's wife. She is a sweet quiet woman. She loves her adopted family and is a fixture at family events.

Dexter
Dexter is Connor and Evangeline's oldest son. He enjoys his gameboy and playing with his little brother.

Adam
Adam is Connor and Evangeline's youngest son. He likes playing with legos and his brother.

Dorthea
Dorthea is a model and a graphic designer. She enjoys her modeling work and spending time with her daughter. She likes spending time with her husband.

Alan
Alan is Dorthea's husband. He is a bit of a computer nerd. He enjoys his computer games and his daughter.

Leda
Leda is Alan and Dorthea's daughter. She is a smart little girl.

Gabriel
Gabriel is a smart young man. He is a quiet person. He enjoys just relaxing and being a typical young adult. He has a dramatic past, especially when it comes to family.

Halem
Craig enjoys working on projects, but he has a major anger management problem. He is a nervous and worried person.

Sarah
Sarah can be a bit of a ditz but she does mean well. She enjoys her life as a teacher. Reading and relaxing are her two main hobbies.

Martin
Martin is a nerd. There isn't much else about him. He enjoys his nerdy stuff too much and tends to ignore those around him with it.

Roxana
Allison is a sweet girl. She enjoys reading and working on her theatre and art. She gets frustrated easily. She has a few caveats but she over all means well.

Clara
Clara is a bit of a hipster. She doesn't exeactly fit in with the family but they love her anyway. She has a degree in biology from Northwestern.

Damian
Damian is one of those people that is a constant disappointment. He is self centered and doesn't realize it. He is rude and nobody really likes him.

Phillip
Phillip is a persona non grata in the family. He lives in town but he isn't welcome to hang out with the family. His wife controls his behavior and hes tried to make amends but with no luck.

Rosabella
Rosabella is young but hopes for her aren't high among the family. She hasn't had the easiest of lives and is self centered. Just like her dad. She doesn't know any better and it is easy to feel sorry for her because of it.

Friends

Emily
Emily is a loyal friend. She has her issues, especially with boys. She has a good heart but sometimes it gets obfuscated by her issues.

Isaac
Isaac is a good person, but he has a mean streak. He is a good friend but you have to get him to open up to you first. He has one close friend and that is it.

Camilla
Camilla can be a bit slow. But what she loses with that she makes up for with compassion.

Cain
Cain is a manipulative jackass.

So I tailed off at the end with the details... so sue me. I will come back and work on each of these people individually. That is all for now.

Downer.

So I finally got my sorry bum into therapy. I really like my therapist, and I think it could be a major improvement for me. The only down side is I'm sort of depressed by the homework she gave me, I'm having a lot of trouble with it, I guess that is why I am going to therapy in the first place. What I'm struggling with is my emotional intelligence. Basically I am in my own little bubble and can't deal with others well. Great. That explains a lot. I want to fix it but it is still really hard because I have convinced myself this is just the way I am.

Basically twenty years of saying I'm on the right track baby I was born this way isn't going to get me anywhere in life... Fun. I'm just going to have to buck up and deal with it. Also having everyone tell me I over think stuff, according to this book I don't think enough sometimes. Oh life is frustrating...

On top of that I am seriously debating dropping out of college. Not for good but just for a little while. I figured out what has been putting so much stress on me, and it has been the social part of college. I let a few really bad things define how the rest of my year went and well if you know anything about how this blog goes it blew up in my face.

So that is my life at this point. I'm sure there are some good bright sides to it, I just can't find them.

I fail

I made a mistake, I dumped boyfriend. Damn do I regret it. That wasn't the biggest mistake I made. I forgot that I didn't have a normal relationship. I forgot that boyfriend wasn't like wreck or weirdo, I forgot that he was special. I didn't treat him like he was intelligent. I didn't treat him like my partner, my other half. I treated him like the slaves that I've date before. I know it is stupid, and weird to say that. That I dated slaves. These boys never thought outside of the box, they always thought that normal was best and that was the best thing was the right thing.

Boyfriend wasn't and isn't like that. He is smart, he loves thought and reading. I didn't treat him like that, I treated him like the boys that had come before him. Quiet frankly I treated him like shit. I made the mistake of forgetting about him and trying to please myself.

I failed. I failed him, and I failed myself. I don't know who I failed more. I'm not sure if I can fix the mistakes I've made. I'm afraid to post this because I know he'll read it. I'm afraid it will only make things worse. Although I'm not sure I can make things worse. Cause I've messed up pretty badly this time. And the only thing that can fix it is space and time.

I hate that concept, that space and time will fix things. I guess I'm just impatient. I want things to be right, I want to say the right words, do the right things and bada boom bada bang it will all be okay. My existence will be right, I will have said the magic words and all will have healed. That isn't how this world works, we can't hack into each others brains and emotions with a few right words. Heck I don't know the words I would say. Would I say I love you thousand times? Would I say I'm sorry a million times? Would I beg for forgiveness a billion times? I honestly don't know.

I lost something, I lost a lot of things. I think the thing I miss the most is that childhood confidence, you know what I mean, that unshakable belief that you can grow up and do anything, be anything. If you ask an adult can you sing, they say no. Yet if you ask a child they will say yes. Children do not judge on if you did something well, they judge on if you did it. It isn't until we are older that we lose that wonder and excitement from just purely doing something.

When we grow up we lose so much, we lose our faith, we lose our confidence, we lose our innocence. It seems to me that from losing all this we gain unhappiness. We judge and are judged, we use what we have learned rather then making our own paths. That just doesn't seem right to me. Ever since I've become an adult I've been unhappy, I had to play by rules that don't work and frankly don't make sense. I've had to make everyone else happy and neglect myself. I've learned that the real monsters are the ones in your head, and those monsters are the hardest to get rid of.

I'm not afraid of responsibility, I'm not afraid of the adult world. I'm afraid that its messed up and that not enough people look at it with the eyes of a child and go at it with the will of a child. I'm afraid that I'm going to run myself down trying to save the world. Trying to be a hero. Yet if I look at it from the eyes of a child, and I do one thing right, I fix one thing. Then I am forever a hero.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately, I've been kind of busy. When I say kind of I mean I should be doing something else rather then posting but I just can't think right now. So I'll tell you people somethings.

I love animals. I absolutely adore animals. I even wanted to take care of them when they got sick as a kid. Some how I ended up going into theatre tech. Che sará sará. Yay I remembered how to put accents on the a. This has not stopped me from wanting to own a small zoo. so here they are.

This is not a wolf! This is a tamaskan dog. They are very sweet and friendly. Plus they look like wolves, who wouldn't want that?

And to complement the wolf dog we have the irish wolf hound. I am a cruel sick person. These are the biggest dog that the AKC will register. I also happen to think they look like the grim from harry potter.

Two large dogs and then this, you've got to be kidding me right? Wrong! Boyfriend is afraid of large dogs so I figure we'd start out small. But most small dogs are yippers right? Wrong! Doxies have a normal bark and are adorable.

Wait a minuet isn't that a bacon machine? NO LIES!!! This is a pig. An awesome adorable piggy. They are smart intelligent and over all totally cool.

What is this? Did my dryer lint grow legs? Nope its a chinchilla. The most awesomely fluffy creature ever. They are so adorable. And fluffy. Did I mention the fluffy?

Who cannot feel the love for this adorable long eared hedgehog? I mean look at it. It says sorry I did a bad. So sweet. Plus they make great pest control. So my garden will be safe!

I wasn't kidding when I said small zoo. Boyfriend is in for a lesson in caretaking, since he has never had a pet. Oh well. At least you got your daily dose of cute right?

Antifreeze, a story

My college can be stupid. I'm not sure how, I'm not sure why, but somehow antifreeze got into our dining centers drinking water. Being a semi responsible adult I told my mother. This is where this story gets even stupider. The next day I told my mom that the dining centers were closed. I said antifreeze I told you yesterday. My mother proceeded to say oh I thought you had it at some party. Yes your nerdy academic daughter drank chemical poison meant for cars and such at a party. I asked her, foolhardily, what she was thinking. She said college stuff. Now this is the woman that when asked how the 70s were she says that they were wonderful but she doesn't remember most of it. This is my mother. She is a bit insane, but I love her... Sometimes.

Sorry... I've been kind of busy lately.

I'm a nerdy type person, I love books, I love history, I love geeky things. I am all around geeky. Heck my major is technical theatre. I am a geek. There are two types of geekiness I am not though a gamer or a computer geek. These of course are the things that Boyfriend loves. I can tolerate this, why because boyfriend has no gaming systems at college so there isn't competition, until now.

Boyfriend has joined the league of super nerds, dungeons and dragons. And it is driving me nuts. Why? Why would miss accept all, love all and such dislike her boyfriend playing DnD. Well the thing is its a soul sucking life eater. I've tried to see if my opinion is totally off, trying to guilt myself into accepting this. It hasn't happened. All of my friends give me different suggestions, most of them having to do with sex.

Sex it out of him. Sleep with him more. Seduce him. Stories of how they had friends that played DnD until they got girlfriends. Now of course some of you very dirty minded people are thinking hehe she is going to talk about sex. No I'm going to whine about how my boyfriend has devoted his friday nights to super nerds and how somehow everyone thinks that sex will magically fix this problem. So ha the jokes on you, you dirty minded person.

Now I guess my real problem is I don't have a boyfriend from 7:30 friday night til 1 to 2 AM saturday morning. See since we have a very tiring week all I want to do at 7:30 is relax with my boyfriend, but because of DnD this cannot happen. I end up trolling the internet for hours, starting blog posts I never finish and generally become very grumpy.

So now I've decided I must find a new thing for Fridays, anyone have any suggestions?

How a wiring problem turned me into a junky, but not really.

So my computer charger broke. Like all things in my life this turned into quiet the ordeal. First of all the charger started showing signs of death around nine o'clock at night. First it started charging and then just stopping. I thought maybe, just maybe it had over heated it self. So I unplugged it, walked away and waited for the charger to cool down.

This ever so smart tactic did not work. So since the charge worked if I jiggled the cable around I decided to get some straws and some duck tape and make some impromptu strain relief. Strain relief is exactly what it sounds like it stops the wires from becoming more strained and breaking, kind of like a cast on a leg. Unfortunately this wasn't even able to save my poor charger and later that night it died.

The next morning I decided to take it to my university help desk, which is notoriously bad with helping people. I woke up early that day with the expressed purpose of going in before class and getting this fixed. For some reason the help desk opens later then anything else on campus, 10 AM. I have a class at 10 AM and another at 11 AM. I guess this problem would have to wait. My over anxious and cranky self did not like this.

But wait I did, like a tiger waiting to pounce. As soon as my costuming teacher let us out I was running out the door at my intended target, the help desk. I had to wait another minuet or so before I got to explain my problem. The usual testing ensued and since I was still under warranty I would get my new charger for free. VICTORY! But not just yet, they were out of stock and would have to order me a new one. Wait one moment they said, Apple has express one day shipping for free, so it should be here tomorrow they said. I walked away placated. I would have to wait.

And wait I have, but not happily. I have gone through computer withdrawal, like some kind of junky. I kept looking at my computer, reaching for it. Think well I'll just google this, or I'll check and see if so and so is online. It never happened. My computer, now officially dead from lack of life giving electricity, would not magically come back from the dead until I got my new charger. So again I waited. The help center said they would give me a call, so I stared at my phone the whole day. Taking it out in class, keeping it on silent, but staring intently to see the screen light up with an incoming call. That call never came. So being the very assertive person I am I went back to the help desk to see what was up.

This was a mistake. I went to ask the not so bright bro type guy at the desk. He mistook my questions for needing to get my claims checked all over again and putting in another order. I managed to clearly state the problem. The order had been placed but they had already gotten the shipment in. Bro dude looked to see why there was no charger. This was not good news, the Apple supply center did not have any more, so they were waiting for more. I had been back ordered. They no longer knew when my charger would come in.

My universe was shattered. I started lashing out at Boyfriend being unnecessarily mean and callous. Almost every other word that came out of my mouth was charger. It was like I was a broken record saying charger charger charger over and over again. I couldn't stop, my life force, my entertainment, my love had been taken from me. This is when I started to feel a bit like a junky. It was like nothing else mattered. Just getting my computer, getting my precious computer to work was the most important thing in the world to me. I wanted my computer back, no I needed it back. I think at one point I started to caress it saying my precious my precious when will you return to life? Luckily I was saved.

Luke, Boyfriend's roommate has a girlfriend. Her name is Yvetta. She is awesome. Why might you ask. Well She lent me her charger so I could use my computer and stop twitching in a corner going why did you leave me? Why my lover why? Yvetta in general is totally awesome and deserves some kind of award for this. And I can't thank her enough. Hopefully I will get the guts to go out and just buy the 80 dollar charger while I wait for the other one to come in. Yay technology.

Italy

I was going to give you guys an awesome post on something funny WITH PICTURES! But for some reason I didn't finish drawing you some pretty pretty pictures. Since I don't want to fizzle out on this whole blogging thing I wanted give you guys something interesting. So I will start on how I started taking Italian.

It all begins with my strange choice to date a military school graduate, lets call him Wreck. Because that is what this guy was, a wreck. Wreck was in the processes of dropping/flunking out of college. It went something like you don't go to any classes and we are kicking you out, well fine I quit. For some reason I had it in my little crazy head that sticking with Wreck was the right thing to do. He was from a broken and fantastically messed up home.

How any of this leads to me taking Italian. Well the one condition to me staying with Wreck was that he get a job and start supporting yourself. Wrecks idea was to go into the Air Force. Wreck was absolutely positively convinced that this would make me happy and get me to marry him. At first I was very opposed to this idea, since Wreck wanted me to be a happy house wife. This was not on my agenda. I wanted to go be a theatre major in college, Wreck did not like this idea. Wreck wanted to wisk me away to some foreign country. This seemed like a good idea to me. What I was thinking at the time was well Europe, I love Europe and mom and dad wont take me. So I'll get to go to Europe. Win win right?

Oh how wrong I was. I was more wrong then driving the wrong way on a one way street. I was more wrong then the crazy people with signs saying "God Hates Fags". More wrong then Pluto not being a planet. I was just wrong, and I'm thinking that this all fails to explain how wrong I was. Yet none of this explains why I signed up for Italian. Well it went a little something like this.

Wreck decided that he was going to try to be stationed in Italy. When it came time to register for classes I decided out of the blue that I would learn Italian.  Maybe in the hopes that I could keep this relationship alive. Luckily Wreck is out of my life, and I'm happier then ever.

P.S. Boyfriend requests that I inform you, the internet, why I've stuck with it. So I will. I wasn't allowed to take a language in high school. So I promised to myself, no I vowed to myself, that I would take a different language, something I couldn't take in high school. Next I fell in love with Italian. As cheesy as it sounds, I love butchering the lovely la lingua di italiano. Mi piace parlo italiano. If you can read that I like you and I hope you like me too.

Meet Me

This is me, I used to blog everyday in junior high. Those blogs sounded something like this:

Whine. Talk about my day so any stalker can find me. Whine some more. Write sucky poetry. End with some cryptic comment.

I'm really hoping to do better then that. I haven't blogged since is started high school, I ended high school nearly a year ago. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating, don't look at me like that I am not a liar. I just enjoy taking artistic license.

Let me now pretend for a moment to be normal. Ready, set, goooooooo. Well I like knitting. I love theatre, but not acting. I promise more updates on that. I have a boyfriend and he is the love of my life and we're going to get married. I love pigs and I want to have one as a pet. End normal mode.

I'm honestly just looking to make people laugh, like ha ha her life is so weird. I'm glad my life is normal, I'll now proceed to read the rest of her crazy life stories to make myself feel better. I used to try to do this in real life but it went something like this:

Me: "I was just sitting on Boyfriend's bed trying to eat fundip when before I could start eating the fundip I dropped the stick onto a pile of clothes on the floor. I thought hey I can get that so I lean over and before I know it, some how I'm falling off the bed and my precious computer in tow. I start trying some how to magically crawl back up the bed in mid fall because at this point everything is going in slow mo. And some how I still fall, computer first on its side onto the floor. I sit up and grab my computer grab the fundip stick and look up at boyfriend. Boyfriend is so amused he just starts laughing and laughing."

Person I'm telling the story to: "That's great. Do you want to here my funnier story that really is just about how you had sex in New York and got caught by so and so and how hilarious yet it was really disturbing instead. But you'll laugh anyway cause your that nice person that everyone just take advantage of."

For some odd reason I think that you, the people of the internet will find my insane ramblings about strange things that I do humorous. Or even the insane things I don't do but other people around me do.