Who I am

When it is all about me, I am selfish. When it is all about you, I am not myself.


I read a beautiful post a few days ago that touches on this. Of course it stayed with me because of it is relevant to my current situation. If you don't want to read the whole post here is a quote that I think sums it up "We end up honouring surface wants over the real life meat of who we are and the work that we do."-Schmutzie It has gotten to the point for me where I don't know what I truly want anymore. I have become so afraid of being who I am that it is a struggle of epic proportions to find what my heart wants.


What I want most is to be great. I grew up reading all these stories about epic adventures, and I wanted nothing more than to be the hero in one of those adventures. I wanted to save the world and all that jazz. I played all sorts of adventures with my dearest neighborhood friend. We would jump off tables trying to fly. We would play lord of the rings out in the backyard. And if one of us was acting too grown up we'd chastise each other for losing our imagination.


Somewhere along the way we drifted apart and I hid my imagination deep down inside of me. Too afraid to show it because it wasn't "proper". People don't want to be around the girl who takes jokes too far or says things that others don't understand. So now I have to learn to be a child again. Because my soul is aching to release the ideas that I've hidden away. 


So now I'm doing what my heart tells me and working on saving my school department, because this is my life and I deserve to try and help make things right.

Ideal Lilly

Who is the ideal Lilly?

The ideal Lilly is kind of a bad ass. Don't mean to brag, but she gets stuff done.

She's smart. She isn't afraid of putting people off with it.

She's strong. She knows how to use her body and can preform all kinds of feats with it.

She's creative. She has all these ideas and knows how to execute them.

She's self disciplined. She knows how to work with herself to make sure that she is the best she can be.

But most important of all, ideal Lilly is brave. She does not let her fear stop her.

So real Lilly is going to start by working on her most tangible fear, her fear of birds.

The Sin of Fear

I live in my own little world. Everyone does. Everyone, at least I think, have the capability to do what I have done. To make nothing outside of what I want to believe exist. Everything to me is like a story, where the main character is the one who influences everything, that they have extreme and ultimate control over all. I guess you could say I have something of underdeveloped empathy. Its hard for me to see out side of my small sad little world. And often times I confuse the hell out of people because I talk like they will know exactly what I mean. And when they don't I get very flustered. And defeated. In fact I get this way about almost anything that doesn't go my way. I'm a perfectionist, in everything I do.

And I can feel the fear rise up in my throat, like bile. Because I'm not sure that anyone can make any sense out of what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to lay out my sins for all the world to see. If it pleases them. I'm not evil, but I am ignorant. I sit here in my world and I shut everything out because I am afraid. I am afraid of failing. I'd rather whine about all I don't have because I am too afraid to fight it. I'd rather spread my poisonous words across the universe. I am making myself miserable.

I'm always trying to avoid the world. Yet I'm wickedly jealous. But I'm so anxious that I fuck it all up. And like some sick washing machine the cycle starts all over again.

All because I am so sensitive. Everything bugs me. One little thing can ruin a whole day. I fixate, I focus, and I hurt. All because of fear.

I remember I time before I knew fear, I remember what put this fear into me. And I don't know how to deal with it because to me the reaction is anger.

Fear and Anger. My two sins.

I'm so angry because I try so hard and it isn't working. I lost friends for no good reason. I look around and I realize I've become far too successful at shutting myself off from this world. I don't know how to connect with people. And I am far too self centered. And I make myself sick. I've put myself in a cage because of fear. And every day I make this cage more secure because every day brings a new reason to fear.

I am the only one with the key. I can set myself free. And sometimes I do. But I need to step out of my cage once and for all. Using this key, there is no universal truth. What is true to me may or may not be true to me. I must respect that your truth is different than mine, even if you don't respect my truth. Each life has value. I will respect that person's opinion. Even if it angers me. Because that opinion has no effect on me unless I choose to let it.

Reverse Racism- A rant

Calling me a wasp is like assuming that because you're black you are all from the same tribe. Yes I am white, no I am not english in anyway shape or form. I am nordic and germanic. I am from sweden, denmark, norway, poland and germany. Yes I am white, yes I look like a typical white girl should look. Yes I am from the north shore, yes I am privileged, but for all of my parents money(which honestly is due to good spending habits more than anything else) we still might get screwed over. The government might take away my parents retirement money, along with many other teachers. So tell me how I am so much better off again?

My grandparents lived through the great depression. My grandfather lived in an orphanage because his parents couldn't take care of him and his siblings. His father was a drunk who ended up dying in a transient hotel probably from some long term effects of drinking... My grandfather and his wife used to have to scrape together breakfast for dinner to feed their kids because they didn't have enough money to buy enough food. So much for northsiders being rich, by the way this was in the 50s and 60s. Hell my great grandmother bullied my grandmother for speaking swedish funny because they were from two different parts of sweden. My grandma was from the less sophisticated north while my great grandma was from the south. My great aunt ended up having a shot gun wedding, and my other great aunt can't tell you who the father of two of her children is. My uncle has had three different wives and refused to come to his mothers funeral, because of his dogs. My other uncle is probably autistic and was born in the 50s, his parents were told that they should give him up and send him to an institution, but they made the brave choice to raise him themselves.

We've got a long history of being screw ups and making mistakes in my family. We aren't the best. But these are my people. I'm not proud of being Caucasian, I'm not proud of what my white family has done to others. But honestly stop assuming things just because I'm white. I am proud of my family, I am proud of my people. Just like you should have pride for yours. I don't pretend know more about your culture or your people than I do. I admit when I'm wrong and I back off. Yes my family has been privileged because we are white, but don't try and act like you know about me or my culture because my skin color fits that of the mass media.

All this because I offered to brush your hair when it was a mess. Guess what sister, I get random curled up knots in my hair too. My hair gets all matted frizzy and a mess when I roll out of bed too. I offered to help, I'm sorry that you found my offer pushy and insensitive. I treat you like I would like to be treated, and honestly if I treated you the way you treat me I would be one hell of a bitch. Yes I like making myself and others look pretty, but not by conforming to the medias idea of beauty. I want to take your image of yourself and help you make it the best possible looking image, sort of like a editor does for a writer. I believe in giving women the tools to make themselves "beautiful" if they don't want to make the effort thats fine. I will not judge them for it, but I strongly strongly believe in giving them the tools to do so if they wish to.

So go ahead and call me a white colonist. Make fun of me for quoting history and saying that all our colonizing attempts kind of failed(See vineland and greenland, iceland I don't know enough about). Miss quote me and make me sound like an idiot for saying that we left vineland because the indians were lactose intolerant and we gave them milk, it made them sick they got angry and chased us off.

In the end, yeah but you're white isn't any better of an excuse than yeah but you're black.

A Work in Progress

So I actually went out last night, I went out to our random performance art thingy. This one guy read some really interesting poetry. It made me want to write and read again. But I am scared. I'm terrible at keeping my commitments. At least to myself. Though I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I have been so proud of myself lately. In a healthy way. I've been able to keep my shit together, actually live my life. I'm not to where I wish to be yet. I am getting closer. Honestly my mental health is so much better than it ever have. So are my organization skills.

I am not unhappy. But I dare say that I want to keep improving. I love the way things have been going. I need to keep working at things, including my wordsmithing.

Freak Flag

I'm finally starting to understand the song "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. I used to belt it out because it just made sense. I though that I could do it, I though that I could live my whole life just fighting everything that held me down. And through my kindness I could show these people exactly how wrong about me they were. I have lived my whole life trying to defy and then please them. I've lived my whole life for somebody else.

I didn't realize the acceptance part. I didn't realize that the song is about accepting yourself, accepting what you want. Accepting that you cannot make them accept you for who you are, all you can do is accept yourself. Stop trying to change yourself to make them happy. Understanding that defying them just to make them join you is the stupidest choice you can make. Do it for yourself.

"And if I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me take a message back from me: Tell them how I'm defying gravity."

I have to make the choice to live my life and stop looking at everyone else. I have to stop trying to mesure up. I have to look in the mirror and see myself, not anyone else. I have to see my wants, my needs, my dreams. I have to own them. I gotta let my freak flag fly. And stop letting the people who give it funny looks ruin my day.

Inside my head...

I feel at war with myself. I have gotten better, oh so much better. But the slightest things will send me back tracking. This requires so much effort and focus, which I don't always have. But I am determined to do this. I want a better life. It is just exhausting. I can't do my projects because I'm focusing on getting better(My knitting, my writing, my drawing). I can't really handle some of the situations I am already in because I am busy trying to get better.

Yet I am still focusing on negative things. I'm not asking for help when I need it. It is so difficult because while I am learning to independent I am dependent on others to help me learn, more so than others. Yet I have it so much better than others. I have done amazing things, and have been given amazing gifts. Yet I cannot always feel them. I'm working on it. I am working on a lot of things.

It is honestly to the point where I might be going to community college instead of university because of these issues. And yet even though sometimes school makes me miserable, I want to stay. I want to stay because of the program. I want to stay because I know I can do anything. I want to stay because happiness can be found anywhere if you know how to look. I can do this. I know it. It just takes a lot out of me. And I wonder why I am doing this.

What it comes to is I have to decide who I am and who I want to be. I can make this person. I am the only being that decides who I should and should not become. I get to make this choice. Nobody else. I get to do what is right for me. Nobody else.

So rather than hop me up on more drugs, I think that I am going to try and make a routine. One that revolves around my needs to relax and prepare for the day. Taking time out just to relax myself. And adhering to it. At first I was thinking I'd schedule the whole day, then I realized that was bonkers. I am ADHD and in college I need to have some freedom. So I've given myself three meditation periods through out my day. I'm going make it a ritual. A habit. Something that has meaning for me. Then hopefully I can handle the events of the day.

Balance and Snowflakes

I stumble too much. This morning during my morning stumble fest I came across a graphic that said he is 90% of the reason that I get up in the morning, the other 10% is because I have to pee. Amusing, but it made me thing why the hell DO I get up in the morning?  Serious question here, what really drives my life?

And there is a part of me that goes automatically HIM! And at first I really agreed with that quote, it was a bit snarky and romantic(A little like me, at least I think). And thanks to my roommate I thought about that assumption, and in that moment, I realized that there was no way in hell that he was the one that I getting my ass out of bed for. I am not living my life for him, if anything I'm currently doing it for my parents. I wake up and I go to school and I try to do my best. I try to do everything to make them happy, because my survival depends upon it. I would literally die without my parents support, or come very close. I am terrified not to be my best, to make a single mistake.

I am afraid to live. I am afraid to veer off the path that my parents have mapped out for me. I am afraid of the unknown, even though I always question what is known. I sit and I think and I think about it, and that to me is fun. Yet I'm never happy with what I have. I am always looking for more, more because that is what expected of me. Expected by everyone around me. I let fear and greed drive me. Is that really what I want for my life?

And again I start looking at the web of causes, all the things that come together to make up my experiences. The things that have shaped me into who I am. I see that and I go, that is the difference between children and adults, children let the world shape them, for better or for worse. Adults are set, their view are set and made, they will not change. Like everything else in this world, both extremes have good and bad parts.

And I'm sitting here, thinking about everything I've discovered. I want to shoot myself in the head. Because it is so much fucking easier to be un-happy. Happiness isn't easy. Hell contentment isn't easy. It isn't happy in the first place, but add in all the pressures of the modern world and well oh holy shit what the fuck is going on here! Everything is wrong, and everything is right. I am not handling this fact well. Hopefully I will be able to in time, but I know I've come upon this realization serval times in my life time and each time I subsequently forget it. Because I haven't dealt with it.

Despite everything being right and wrong, the rights and wrong that matter are my own. This does not mean that my rights or wrongs are superior to anyone else's. Just different. In fact, if they are what works for me then they are only best for me. If they help others, that is wonderful, if they don't well that is life.

So fucking what if each snowflake is individual, if that is the nature of snow flakes then does that make each different snowflake special? No, individual and special are two different words and have two different meanings. Individual means that they are different and distinct from all the others. Different and distinct do not mean that any one snowflake is more beautiful than the rest. There is no way to measure beauty. Yes there are numbers like the golden ratio and such that can predict that humans will most likely find that snowflake more attractive. But the golden ratio does not tell us something is beautiful. We decide that for ourselves.

That is the tricky thing about statistics. They are numbers, and yet what most of us do not realize about them is that they are a chance. Following stats is basically gambling, and sometimes even when you do all the right things, you will still loose. This is the nature of things. Maybe we will eventually find out why this happens, but I'm not even sure if we get that far it will stop it from happening!

What I'm trying to say in a really uber roundabout way is that there is no one snowflake that 100% of the people in the world, ever, agreed is more beautiful than the rest. The same goes for people. There is no one person that is better than all the rest. There never will be. We are all the same by virtue of us all being different. Some snowflakes, and people, may be radically different from the others, but the only thing that makes them is more different. I'm sure a bunch of people are asking, but what about people like Mother Theresa or Hitler, they were completely good and completely bad, how can you say that I am just the same as them? That is the difference between humans and snowflakes. We can pretty much measure every dimension of a snowflake, we can physically quantify every little difference about it and possibly compare it to all the other snowflakes ever. We cannot do that with peoples thoughts. At the end of the day the only thing you truly own is your thoughts, and no one can take that away from you. Maybe secretly Hitler felt terrible, maybe Mother Theresa secretly wanted to punch everyone in the face.  We cannot know this, and we cannot measure it. Special people are people with outward extremes that can be perceived as a good or bad by others.

So where am I going with this? What I'm trying to say is we are all different, and this is neither good nor bad. It is a fact. What works for you might not work for someone else. In the grand scheme what does it matter? The only thing we can do is to live our lives the way we want, and let things effect us the way we want.

But the best thing we can do is stop judging ourselves.

Steel

I once had someone describe me as steel, so many different conflicting aspects, so many different shapes I could take, so many different things I could do. All of them beautiful, all of them important.

At the time I was only looking for flattery. It has almost been a year since he said those words to me, but I don't think they have every rung more true. He saw what I couldn't see, he saw who I could be. He asked if he could be my tempering flame, I'm not sure he knows how true that term has become for our relationship. Maybe that was his intent, because through all the years he has been behind me pushing me to be more. Pushing me to take one more step, to become somebody that I could be proud of.

Yet I can't share this with barely anyone. They tell me I'm reading too much into it. That life isn't a fairy tale. That I've got my head in the clouds. That I need to be realistic. I need to move on. I hear it all the time, and yes maybe I do share my feelings, my insecurities, my pain, my sorrow, my joy, my worries, my hopes, my dreams, about him too much. There is so much more to me than him, but I feel like the only person that really understands that is him.

All these people that tell me to be more realistic, they don't accept my other dreams either. They tell me I cannot go to Italy. They tell me that I'm crazy for trying to be a writer. That I shouldn't joke the way I do. That I shouldn't adhere to any one religion because no religion is going to fit perfectly. They tell me I'm stupid for believing that there is some kind of magic out there.

For some reason I call these people my friends.

And yes they do have some good points. But then they turn around and say I should be more accepting of others? And yes they are right about that, but at the same time they are wrong. None of these people want to accept me for who I am, why the hell should I spend time with them? I can accept them sure, but spend time with them, are you insane? 

Maybe it is because I always see and hear the negative first, I keep those things close to me because that is all I have ever known. I'm fighting that, I'm working every day at a tangible change. I am doing everything I can to temper myself into steel, to become something better than I was. And I have come so far from where I was, I've had the summer to sit on my own and really be unaffected by others. Now that I'm back at school I feel trapped.

I feel like I'm in a cage.

I do not always know how to act and react. How to communicate my feelings at the appropriate times in the appropriate ways. I feel trapped because he is there watching me, and I do not want to mistake. I feel like the spotlight is on me, like I cannot move because I am blinded by the light he is shining on me. I feel like I can't be myself because I'm always on display and I always have to be perfect. If I screw up in one small way I could ruin what I want, inadvertently. I feel my prison getting tighter as I realize that there is no good way for me to tell him how this is bothering me. I feel frantic and stuck because there is nothing I can do and it isn't fair to me. I want to break free of this, to say that I am done with this stupid game, that I am not some pet or toy to be played with.

Yet then I would lose the person that has always seen the best of me, and the worst. Maybe I've lost him already, I don't know but as of right now there is still a chance. But I know that if I tell him how I feel right now, I will be disrespecting his wishes and it will all be done. So this becomes a catch 22. It gets worse when the only way to get him to listen to me is to physically force him to do it, or have another person help me. Which would only make this so much worse. 

And everyone of course has their own opinion and are pressuring me to do something other than what I have planned. Every once and a while I get someone supportive and I love it. I am so blessed to have those people in my life. I do not know what I would do without them. Yet the others... I just want to get away from it. I can't trust them to respect my beliefs, I can't trust them to respect my wishes. And it hurts. And makes this even more a prison. 

And yet in the darkest moments there is light. I know I can get through this, even though I may not know exactly how I will do it, I will get it done. I will be strong. I will be steel. And if he never gets to see what all his work has done, it is his loss and another's treasure. But one way or another I will become steel.

College... Year Two!

So. I'm moving back into college today. Let the insanity start!

I'm rather nervous cause I'm brining my grandma's ring, but not grandma(She's in a locket, or whats left of her is.). I know awkward details nobody needs to know. Its just nice to have a part of one of the bravest strongest most sarcastic women I've had the pleasure of being related to with me. Plus its pretty... and my finger feels weird without it on. I'm just making excuses for myself now.

...

So in all the insanity I forgot to finish this post. I got here, I fought, I had Stake n Shake. I also got sick(happens every damn time I move from home to college!) Which is why I'm up so early. I actually have plans to hang out and be social today! With somebody not my roommate. I'm excited.

Angst

Dear Depression,

I hate you. I loath you. I wish that you had never become a part of my life. I never asked you to come and invade my thoughts, and yet here you are giving everything a gray scummy haze. I have been fighting you my whole life. At least as long as I can remember. You have taken everything from me, including the thing I hold most dear: myself.

I have fought you, tooth and nail. I have tried to hide this demon inside me from the rest of the world. I've tried to make it seem as if I am normal. I've taken pills, I've told my story to those who were supposed to help. And I was betrayed, again and again. Because of you. You imbalance of chemicals in my brain. You that causes fear that paralyzes me. You that I have little control over.

Go a head and say we see life how we wish to see it, but this is not the case. I have grasped at the light, I know the light is there, but when you, my demon, are in control I cannot hold on to it. I can not hold onto the lights of my life. Because of that, because of this curse, this burden that I had no part in, I have spiraled out of control.

At first I didn't understand. I was too young, to inexperienced to know that this was not right. I thought I was being punished for something. I though that god had made a mistake. That I was some kind of fluke. That it was my fault that people were mean to me, and while those thoughts lingered in the back of my mind I had them confirmed. They were confirmed by the adults with the training to help me. They told me it was my fault for being impulsive, this is why the other kids didn't like me.

It has only been in the last two months that I have truly battled you. I have looked you in the eye and I've ripped apart your lives. I've rescued myself. I have started the rest of my life, my life without you.

And yet you are still here. You sneak up on me, you take total control of me. No matter how much good I see, no matter how many blessings I have, you turn them dark. I fight you, I do. I try to make it so that I can use the lessons I've learned.

Today you won. Tomorrow you wont. I will not let you win. I got my life back once and I will do it again. I will hunt you down you sneaky bastard until you are banished from me. I will use every goddamn tool I have at my disposal. I will not let you take over my life again. Let this be your warning you piece of shit. I'm coming for you, since its my head your in, theres no place for you to hide that I cannot find.

Hell hath no wrath like a woman who you fucked with,
Lilly

Life

So I've been working on my fears, working on putting my self doubt in a jar as my cousin told me. I've had a lot of success so far. Life seems to be coming together for me. I know that it will never be perfect. I know that things will go up and down. Yet I'm happy. I'm happy that I'm alive. I'm living my own life. I'm taking charge.

And guess what, for once it is working! Heh. I'm actually getting on top of things and working on it rather then sitting around lamenting what has gone wrong... I just need to keep working out my writing muscles! I 've started posting my theories about a book series I read on their forums, its going quiet well. Yay analytical muscle work out! Woot positivity. And all other kinds of exclamations of awesomeness that is going down in my life! Lots of happiness around here. And most importantly balance and contentment.

Bravery

Many people have said that bravery is not the absence of fear, it is doing what is right even when you are afraid.

I need to become more brave. My whole life I've been so afraid of everything, because I've lived in a world of drama, where the slightest wrong move can bring everything tumbling down. I've had financial stability all my life, but I have rarely had emotional stability. Growing up like this has lead me down a dark dark path.

I've started to get away from that path, blaze my own trail. Yet it is hard. My parents are after all parents, its is hard for them to let go of their children. I think this is different than that. I've been on the verge of adulthood for the past few years, and my parents can usually catch themselves when they are doing this. No this is something different, this is a lack of respect and acceptance.

My parents are very emotionally driven people. If there is one thing I've learned it is that emotions are neither good or bad. They just are. You have to just accept that and live with it. My parents have not learned this lesson yet, and likely never will. This is a source of great frustration for me. Because I have to change to survive, my parents don't. The people who made my life hellish, don't have to change. I know there are aspects of me that have made life hellish for others, and I'm okay with changing those. I'm okay with becoming better.

I am becoming better, but what makes the fear come through stronger is the reactions of my parents. Often they become like three year olds if put under stress, and will lash out on me or my brother if we make one tiny wrong move. This includes not behaving as they think we should, otherwise meaning that acting not like them. I have to fight and fight hard to become who I need to be. It is terrifying. Hopefully this next year at college, getting away from them will make things better.

Lines

I'm a messed up person. Anyone who reads this blog knows that. Anyone who reads it also knows that I am working on making a change. About fixing what has gone wrong in my life. One of the biggest things I seem to do is play games with myself. I say if he or she doesn't do this by now, then well they don't really mean what they are saying. Obviously this is not true.

I'm not sure why I draw these lines and play these games. All it does is make me more upset about a situation. I'm trying to stop. Since the only person I play this game with is boyfriend, and well we all know how that turned out.

I believe that everyone draws these lines. How soon is it to call after a first date? What does go up for coffee mean to her? All that kind of stuff, we put meaning where there is none for no apparent reason. It isn't like there is a manual to relationships that we all have read and all understand. Each person has their own rules and values, yet we act like those values and rules are the same as ours by applying meaning to their actions with out really knowing them.

I take this game to the extreme, even when I do know somebody I still do this. I blame it on my father and family, like most other things. That doesn't mean I can't try to change it. In fact this post is an attempt at me trying to distract myself from the invisible line I drew with boyfriend. I said I would wait for him to read what I had written, well with in five minuets he hadn't responded and I began to thing THAT LIAR HE LIED TO ME! There was no evidence behind this feeling, other then he didn't text me back. There are at least a million better and more sane reasons for not texting somebody back.

But my mind jumps to the nefarious one. So here I am writing about my thought processes and repeating in my head, "Change takes time. You are cared about. It is okay to feel this way just not to act on it. You are a good person. You can do this." Over and over to try to quel my feelings of holy shit he lied to me. And maybe he did, so fucking what? It isn't the end of the world, it just hurts a lot.

Another step in the right direction I guess, trying to calm myself down and work on the reason I'm freaking out rather then reacting.

Forgiveness

Today I learned that I am a very angry person, and that anger is poisoning me. So I've set out to forgive each and every person I'm mad at. To finally let go of the pain and suffering that I am causing myself. So this is the introduction of the letter that I will send to each person. You people of the internet can read it first.

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."- Yoda


It might be a little weird to hear from me. Truth be told I feel weird writing this. I don't know how much you care, so I'll try to keep this bit brief. I've found myself on the dark side of life, I've followed fear to anger, anger to hate, and hate to suffering. The purpose of this message is to help me walk away from that path with one thing, forgiveness. You aren't the only one getting this message, I'm trying to send this to every person I can get a hold of that I need to forgive. You can choose not to read this, but if you read further know I will tell you why I'm mad at you. Just know that just by having a soul you have a reason to be forgiven.


"What you did that I need to forgive"


Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know I might have done things to you that were just as bad or worse then the things you did to me. I'm sorry. I hope for your own inner peace you may forgive me for the wrongs I did against you. Please do not feel obligated to respond to this, you can perceive this message as you will, but to me it is a physical affirmation of a mental healing process. 


"Only after disaster can we be resurrected"- Tyler Durden

My World

I'm writing this as a sort of exercise. Trying to explain my world. The way my life seems at times. It isn't pretty, it isn't happy it isn't good.

Imagine yourself on a tight rope. You know how to tight rope walk, but you still aren't the best at it. Envision below you everything you hold dear, represented in glass figures. Every wrong you move you make, you will destroy the figurines and send shards of glass flying everywhere. You must be perfect. Every wobble has the potentially to destroy your friends, your family, your job, and most importantly destroy you. Every small mistake you make becomes and ordeal. Your trainer yells at you, bringing your moral down even lower then before. Your body is bleeding, but you can't stop yet, if you stop you will fall and it will be fatal. The end of this nightmare is always in sight, yet it is far off. You try to get there, you do the best you can, but because it isn't perfect you destroy the figurines.

This is what life is like in my house. I do everything to avoid conflict, until I reach that breaking point. I want so very much to be normal, to come to terms with this situation. I can't. I can't seem to let go of trying to change things. Trying to make my world better. To clear the glass figurines away and learn to walk the tightrope with out them. I want so very much to master this skill, and I've finally gotten help outside of my home. Yet it is still hard to let go of the dream of things getting better.

Greatness

I am good. I have always been good. Being good at most things comes naturally to me. I can skate by in life being good. For the most part that is what I have done, I've let natural talent get me by.

I don't want to do that any more.


If I'm good right now what could I be if I made more of an effort? What could I do with my life if I stopped saying that good was good enough? Thats what I want to do. I want to stop being content with being good enough and try to be great.

What I want!

So, another day of therapy. I'm still enjoying it. Today I figured out why I feel this need to tell the world about my emotions.

I need to feel vindicated.

As I've hinted at before, I'm an abused child. Some how in all of this mess I've taken the high road out. I've managed to try and make something of an absolutely terrible situation. I've been strong past the point that most people would last. I've tried to find the light in this darkness. Yet at time darkness seems to take over because I'm doing most of it right. But I get treated like I'm doing it all wrong.

I am just trying to be the adult.

My parents tend to act like confused teenagers. They fight over trivial things. They can't plan. They put all this drama into a crisis.  From the age of three I tried to get my dad to stop hurting my mom's feelings. I still have to do this almost daily, and it sucks. I have all these rituals to try and get things away from the breaking point. I try to plan things, I tip toe around my parents, I try to be as responsible as possible, I try to take control of situations and get things fixed.

What do I get for my troubles? I get kicked out. I get put down. I get ignored. I get pushed away. I get abused. So what do I do? I fall apart in my friends arms and freak out over little things because in life as I know it, the smallest things can make my whole life explode. I don't feel like I can trust people, cause when you can't trust your parents to help you, who can you trust? I get stressed out easily because I'm trying to figure out ways to deal with all of the ways something could go wrong. I over react to things because that is all I've ever known.

Yet once again I'm doing things the hard way and trying to change.

Guess what, it is already started to work. This whole adventure is going a lot quicker then I have anticipated. I feel the changes that just talking to someone that can help me pull out my emotions and help me deal with them. I've already started to think about myself differently. I have had more control over my thoughts and actions, especially those influenced by emotion.

But what does this have to do with vindication?

Because I know that I'm doing things mostly right, but my parents are reacting if I'm doing them all wrong I feel this need to know that I am doing what is right. I'm confused. I need to know that I'm behaving in the right way, that I am making the right choices. Because the people that are supposed to guide me, aren't. I have to re-learn my reactions to things, rather then keep living in this darkness. I will bring light into my life, even if it means that I get hell for it once and a while.

Looking Up

Today is another day, another day of figuring out the mess I've made. Well it isn't totally my mess. But I guess that is okay... Right? I've had an up and down day honestly. I've had some trouble with stuff, and I've dealt with it.

I feel like an archeologist. Ah this is where the lovely Lilly went wrong! I keep going through my actions with people, mostly because I have been holed up in my house with out much human contact. I should be focusing more on the present but I find it hard to really notice my day to day emotions. They are there, but they are buried under everything else. It is also hard because a lot of my emotions are centered around losing boyfriend, and to get to the root of those emotions I have to admit that I truly love him. And that is a lot harder then I would like to admit.

The other difficult thing is not automatically telling my emotions to somebody. Its like I've got this weird compulsion to treat all my friends like mini therapists. I never talk about what I'm interested in. I just talk about what I'm feeling. Which drives people absolutely nuts. I can understand why too. I want to figure out why I don't talk about my interests.

I think it might be because I hate getting criticism. I hate not feeling like I'm the expert and in control of my whole world when I'm talking about something. I don't mind it so much when I'm listening to something. Its like I'm so afraid of being wrong about something I care about I wont even let the possibility happen. I really need to work on my fear issues...

I realized that boyfriend was right. At this present moment the relationship between us will never work. I expect too much of him, or any other guy for that matter. Its like you're my boyfriend now you are magically expected to be perfect and make all of my problems disappear and if you don't I will transform into an absolute dragon lady.

And this is the point where I'm thinking that this therapist is a really good fit and things are working. Instead of completely getting upset and freaking out over this fact, I've accepted it. I'm saying alright well what am I going to do to change this. I'm focusing on what I can do instead of what I can't, and even better I'm not dwelling on it too much.

The other thing that this is doing is really making me look at the people I have in my life, and all the things that they have done for me that I have taken for granted. Boyfriend is at the top of that list. Makes me want him back in my life even more, but I know I have to wait until I'm stable. Until I know I wont backslide. And even then he has to want me back in his life too.

Everything happens for a reason. And this happening, even though it sucks, had a really good reason. I am in the process of getting my life back, not that I ever really had it. I am hopeful. I finally let go of some of the anger that had me in its grip for so long. Sometimes we don't get what we want, but we get what we need. I wish things could have happened differently but sadly that would mess up the whole story, and so the story must remain as it is. For some reason that makes me feel better.

This is who I want to be

Today I changed my life. I started using the techniques from the book. My brother couldn't find the car after church. I drive a red car. It isn't that hard to spot. I was getting upset, How stupid could my little brother be? It wasn't even that large of a parking lot! When my brother finally found the car, I started to think up a sharp comeback that would express my frustration. I caught myself. I counted to ten. My anger didn't dissipate right away. I was able to hold back the rude comments that for sure would have hurt my brother's feelings.

I can do this!

I can get on top of my emotions. I don't have to be a social outcast anymore. I can stop feeling like I am out of control. I can stop looking back on my actions with regret. This is possible. And low and behold I've reached another goal, I'm becoming more positive. Now I just have to keep this new positive thing up! I've already made the first few steps, they haven't been easy, but they sure as hell have been worth it.