Life List Update

Skills
Learn basic archery
Practice reiki
Practice a form of dance
Places
Visit Sweden, and meet my relatives
Visit New Zeeland
Spend at least a year backpacking through Europe
Entertainment
See War Horse, the broadway play(My mom's plan is for all of us to go at Christmas.)
See a Broadway play on Broadway
See something in London's West End
Achievements
Work on a Broadway play
Work on a Hollywood film
Work for Wetta Workshop
Work on the Olympics
Get My Degree in Theatre
(I'm working on all of the above by going to college and working on my degree(s?).)
Write a book(Working on a few books, so its something.)
Experiences
Beat Cancer! (Working on it. Approximately a week left.)
Have a family
Become a Buddhist Nun

So I've made a second draft. Given updates on what I'm working on. Added two things.

Materialism and Memory

I didn't realize how attached I was to my things until I seriously started getting rid of stuff. I've always been something of a packrat. I blame it on my creativity, I see uses for things, everything. And I always think that I will get to it eventually. I also have a nearly photographic memory. So almost everything in my room has a memory behind it. This makes cleaning difficult to say the least. Even the pages of books hold memories for me. Hell even something that doesn't have any waking memory connected to it can awaken memories of dreams.

But what I can't remember is ideas, goals, dates, the important things! This is very frustrating seeing as I can remember almost everything else. So I've written down the two things I'm allowed an excess of, and my Four goals for the year.

My two allowances of excess:
Books and Craft/Art supplies.

My Four goals:
Keep a Schedule- I've written up an extensive weekly routine and I intend to keep it.
Be Mindful- This is my way of trying to make myself a better buddhist, and a better person.
Keep Organized- I need to really get my life in order and I want to keep working at it.
Be Confident!- I'm not the most confident person. I feel the need to change that.

Barfing

I have some sort of nasty bug. With symptoms ranging from nausea always sleepy to headaches.  Its fun. Needless to say I've stayed home from class today. And here it comes, the emotional throw up. Because mood swings are like barfing.

You can feel it coming, you try to stop it. And then there you are puking all over something you ought not to be puking. You tried to stop. You tried to find a way to deal with it appropriately. But nope Your puking.

This is how my current roommate makes me feel. I also feel terrible for blogging about how much she is driving me up the wall but I've got very few people to vent to. The real question is when I want somebody to shut the fuck up and stop judging the entire world! Last monday do you know what she did? She sat and looked at peoples funny looking dicks on craigs list with her boyfriend. For their anniversary.

Now this wouldn't be a problem if I could send them to his room... which just so happens to be thousands of miles away in texas. So I'm stuck. Listening to them judge then entire world and its brother, every night, since august, with rare breaks.

So I try to go hide in the lounge, which also happens to be colder than my room, then it gets invaded by people playing pokemon. They did invite me, but you see I had a very deprived childhood and wasn't allowed to play. At all. So I have no basis for it and feel like a poser trying to play. And now I'm back in my room. Watching bones. Trying to get ready for bed

I'm turning into my mother?

So for those of you that don't know, my mom is sort of a hippy lite. At least she was, she has turned into more of a suburb mom now. But like all mother-daughter relationships ours has had some strain. But today after reading my addiction, The Offbeat Empire, I figured out one of my life goals. To live in a commune.

I've always had a deep spiritual connection to nature. Though not in 100 degree weather mind you. Some of my favorite memories are of the vacations we had out in the woods. Just the personal moments I had alone and at peace with it all out in the woods, those are some of the best memories.

I like how my roommate puts it, "You want to live in a fucking cul de sac, that is what you want to live in."   She teases me because I am from the most suburby suburb ever. She probably thinks I wont survive in the woods. Or around other people. She might be right.

I wont let this stop me though. I wont let anything stop me. Cause I am just that damn awesome. Oh me and my propensity for tenaciousness. I honestly think this is one of my better qualities. I digress, yet isn't that what this blog is for? My digressions into my head. A way to speak my mind and let it be heard all over if people so choose?

I just want to connect with people. I so deeply desire that connection that I perceive others having. It is something that I chase after with all of my natural craziness and sometimes comes back to bite me in the butt. But I am hoping that eventually living in a comune might help.

What I want!

So, another day of therapy. I'm still enjoying it. Today I figured out why I feel this need to tell the world about my emotions.

I need to feel vindicated.

As I've hinted at before, I'm an abused child. Some how in all of this mess I've taken the high road out. I've managed to try and make something of an absolutely terrible situation. I've been strong past the point that most people would last. I've tried to find the light in this darkness. Yet at time darkness seems to take over because I'm doing most of it right. But I get treated like I'm doing it all wrong.

I am just trying to be the adult.

My parents tend to act like confused teenagers. They fight over trivial things. They can't plan. They put all this drama into a crisis.  From the age of three I tried to get my dad to stop hurting my mom's feelings. I still have to do this almost daily, and it sucks. I have all these rituals to try and get things away from the breaking point. I try to plan things, I tip toe around my parents, I try to be as responsible as possible, I try to take control of situations and get things fixed.

What do I get for my troubles? I get kicked out. I get put down. I get ignored. I get pushed away. I get abused. So what do I do? I fall apart in my friends arms and freak out over little things because in life as I know it, the smallest things can make my whole life explode. I don't feel like I can trust people, cause when you can't trust your parents to help you, who can you trust? I get stressed out easily because I'm trying to figure out ways to deal with all of the ways something could go wrong. I over react to things because that is all I've ever known.

Yet once again I'm doing things the hard way and trying to change.

Guess what, it is already started to work. This whole adventure is going a lot quicker then I have anticipated. I feel the changes that just talking to someone that can help me pull out my emotions and help me deal with them. I've already started to think about myself differently. I have had more control over my thoughts and actions, especially those influenced by emotion.

But what does this have to do with vindication?

Because I know that I'm doing things mostly right, but my parents are reacting if I'm doing them all wrong I feel this need to know that I am doing what is right. I'm confused. I need to know that I'm behaving in the right way, that I am making the right choices. Because the people that are supposed to guide me, aren't. I have to re-learn my reactions to things, rather then keep living in this darkness. I will bring light into my life, even if it means that I get hell for it once and a while.

Relax.

It is funny how time moves. Adults used to warn me that when you got older time sped up. I never really believed them, until now. I look back on my life, thus far. I wonder what happened. A day used to seem like forever, even when you weren't waiting for something special to happen. Where has time gone? I still think of myself as 17 some days, even though I'm closer to 20. I forget that I will soon have lived two decades of my life, and I've got approximately 80 left after that. If this is just the first 2 decades of my life what are the next two going to be like?

Its been a whirlwind of a month, shit has hit the fan in ways I never thought it could. I broke up with boyfriend, I half got back with boyfriend. I lost a close friend of mine to pure jackassery. I lost my beloved grandma. I went through a fruitless job search. There are more things I could list, but I can't think of them right now. I've had to ride the waves of adulthood, and it has been fun and it has been absolutely awful. Yet it hasn't killed me.

I'm stitting writing this in my cousin's lake house. I've hung out with my amazing multitude of second and third cousins. I've carried my smaller cousins around on my back, I've gone kayaking with the older ones. Talked about death with some of the eldest, and overall just had a break from life. Being able to get away from my immediate family and spend some time with people I only see once a year. It is something that I wouldn't give up for the world.

These people are my inspiration for my next project. Last year I started writing a novel. This year I want to finish writing it. I'm writing about these people, the collection of crazy, different, strange, offbeat, onbeat, fun, people that are my family. I'm thinking of making this blog my place to write about and even post my book.

Out of Control

Something is weighing on my mind. It is kind of a big deal.

I have ADHD.

I've known this fact for a really long time. I have to deal with it every day of my life. Sure I'm medicated, and god am I lucky that this disease isn't coupled with anything else, that I know of yet. I feel like writing about this because it is such a big part of my life. It is part of who I am, its that part of myself that I want to cut away, get rid of, be done with. I can't do that any of those things. All I can do is try to live my life, which I do with lots of success, sometimes.

Honestly I feel like and emotional wreck right now. It all started because I was trying to cope with my anxiety. I have one personal project, and one peice of homework due for class. Both are causing me stress, so I go to my favorite stress reliever, the offbeat empire! I adore all of the different views on life these three websites provide, for all the different stages of life. I'm hardly in any of them, I don't own a home or rent, I am not a bride to be, and I'm definitely not a momma. But it was offbeat momma that made me face my possible future.

It is very likely that my children will have ADHD.

 I've known this fact for a long time, but it doesn't make it sting any less.

Because despite having the disorder I have no idea how to a child cope with it.

Sure I may be awfully young to be thinking about how a maybe might effect my future. Maybe it isn't healthy to worry about these things. All I know is the information I'm getting by digging deeper into the moms who deal with ADHD children makes me hurt. I feel left out, I feel the sadness of knowing my future my life could have been different and it isn't my fault. At the same time it is. And all of this is pushing me to tears because I feel like I can't trust my own thoughts.

I know everyone struggles with this, but I literally cannot trust my own head. I know this is what #trust30 is for. I know that ex sent that to me because he knows me better then I know myself somedays, he knew I needed this. And once again I find myself so happy that I have him in my life, even when things seem like I should just give up and walk away. I find myself so so so happy that I have somebody who has taken the time and made the effort to get to know me and dare I say it love me for who I am. Not only that but help me become who I can be. But then it hits me.

I've switched topics three times in this post, at least. The dreaded fear comes in. Wait, is that what normal writers do? Is that how my brain is supposed to work? Even worse, will people be able to understand my thoughts? Will they just see me as some stupid teenager who has a problem and needs to whine about it?

The list goes on and on. This is how I live my life. This is how the ADHD effects me. It has left pock marks on my mind and on my heart, it has scared me in ways I'm not sure I can ever heal from. I want to start over, I want a different life. I don't want this mess I've been handed, because it isn't fair. I'm sick of being told well duh, life isn't fair. You are not me, you don't know what this problem is like.

Even when I attempt to express myself I feel anxiety, I feel the nerves, I feel the pain.

I get so trapped and paralyzed but this overwhelming fear. I feel so out of control. I know I started this blog to try and be funny, to let people know that hey I can be humorous too. I feel like I've written way to many depressing posts. I feel like I've done something wrong. I feel like I've done something worse by bringing it up. 

It is hard for me to live like this, to have to feel that constant doubt in myself, in what I'm doing, in the people around me. I know that something is wrong, but I just don't know how to express it. If my attempts to communicate don't come across on the first try, I give up. Even though I usually am trying to veil the real meaning behind my words.

The truth is I don't know what to do, there are so many things that bother me and so many things that I feel like are wrong with me, even when I have plenty of people in my life that are telling me they aren't.

I know it will be okay in the end, but life is supposed to be about the journey, and my journey isn't going so great.

A Third Post, reflections

Okay so I have a twitter, some of you might know this, most of you probably don't. I looked up #trust30. I went out and read all the blogs I could that had that hashtag. Or whatever its called. I'm going to cheat a little and pull a bit of a Brandon Sanderson and write about what I was thinking when I wrote. I guess I took my own take on what story means. I feel like I should take a do over on my fifteen minuets. But this whole thing is about trusting yourself so I guess I did the right thing.
 I read all the beautiful stories people wrote, about themselves. Regret, love and thanks filled other peoples writings. Mine was all about fear and wanting to make an impact. On top of that it was written in third person. And of course my thoughts came to how I learned about this project, and if it was some sort of test.
As I quickly mentioned earlier, exboyfriend sent this whole thing my way. He hasn't been talking to me for weeks and all of a sudden I got this text telling me to check my email, he had signed me up for something. I was shocked and delighted when I found out that he hadn't subscribed me to some kind of weird porn service. That has been the last I've heard from him. It left me feeling confused. Why would he do something kind for me and then just leave me be. I wasn't sure how to proceed but proceed I did.
I wrote, I didn't write exactly about myself I wrote about somebody else trying to find meaning at the end of their days.
I feel like I failed a test. I feel like I don't deserve to trust myself. Like I suck as a writer and I should just delete my blog and walk away. I did just find an entry that was more like mine. But I tried to step outside of myself, I didn't think about the people I loved, I didn't think about what I wanted from life. I thought about some silly hipster type girl who wanted to leave her mark on the world. I still feel like I messed up. Like I didn't tell the right story.
I didn't tell the story of how I love ex very much. I didn't say how sorry I was that this was the end when the rest of my life looked so bright. I didn't say how I wouldn't be on the computer, I'd be in the car going to see him and praying that I wouldn't die on the way and crash the poor car. I didn't say how for fifteen minuets I'd stop giving a shit about what everyone else wants of me and do what I wanted to do. Even if it means that I'd be treated like shit in my last moments.
I feel like posting this is cheating. Like because I clicked the conformation email that I can't feel bad about what I wrote. Like I can't betray that hey I'm not anymore confident then before.