Steel

I once had someone describe me as steel, so many different conflicting aspects, so many different shapes I could take, so many different things I could do. All of them beautiful, all of them important.

At the time I was only looking for flattery. It has almost been a year since he said those words to me, but I don't think they have every rung more true. He saw what I couldn't see, he saw who I could be. He asked if he could be my tempering flame, I'm not sure he knows how true that term has become for our relationship. Maybe that was his intent, because through all the years he has been behind me pushing me to be more. Pushing me to take one more step, to become somebody that I could be proud of.

Yet I can't share this with barely anyone. They tell me I'm reading too much into it. That life isn't a fairy tale. That I've got my head in the clouds. That I need to be realistic. I need to move on. I hear it all the time, and yes maybe I do share my feelings, my insecurities, my pain, my sorrow, my joy, my worries, my hopes, my dreams, about him too much. There is so much more to me than him, but I feel like the only person that really understands that is him.

All these people that tell me to be more realistic, they don't accept my other dreams either. They tell me I cannot go to Italy. They tell me that I'm crazy for trying to be a writer. That I shouldn't joke the way I do. That I shouldn't adhere to any one religion because no religion is going to fit perfectly. They tell me I'm stupid for believing that there is some kind of magic out there.

For some reason I call these people my friends.

And yes they do have some good points. But then they turn around and say I should be more accepting of others? And yes they are right about that, but at the same time they are wrong. None of these people want to accept me for who I am, why the hell should I spend time with them? I can accept them sure, but spend time with them, are you insane? 

Maybe it is because I always see and hear the negative first, I keep those things close to me because that is all I have ever known. I'm fighting that, I'm working every day at a tangible change. I am doing everything I can to temper myself into steel, to become something better than I was. And I have come so far from where I was, I've had the summer to sit on my own and really be unaffected by others. Now that I'm back at school I feel trapped.

I feel like I'm in a cage.

I do not always know how to act and react. How to communicate my feelings at the appropriate times in the appropriate ways. I feel trapped because he is there watching me, and I do not want to mistake. I feel like the spotlight is on me, like I cannot move because I am blinded by the light he is shining on me. I feel like I can't be myself because I'm always on display and I always have to be perfect. If I screw up in one small way I could ruin what I want, inadvertently. I feel my prison getting tighter as I realize that there is no good way for me to tell him how this is bothering me. I feel frantic and stuck because there is nothing I can do and it isn't fair to me. I want to break free of this, to say that I am done with this stupid game, that I am not some pet or toy to be played with.

Yet then I would lose the person that has always seen the best of me, and the worst. Maybe I've lost him already, I don't know but as of right now there is still a chance. But I know that if I tell him how I feel right now, I will be disrespecting his wishes and it will all be done. So this becomes a catch 22. It gets worse when the only way to get him to listen to me is to physically force him to do it, or have another person help me. Which would only make this so much worse. 

And everyone of course has their own opinion and are pressuring me to do something other than what I have planned. Every once and a while I get someone supportive and I love it. I am so blessed to have those people in my life. I do not know what I would do without them. Yet the others... I just want to get away from it. I can't trust them to respect my beliefs, I can't trust them to respect my wishes. And it hurts. And makes this even more a prison. 

And yet in the darkest moments there is light. I know I can get through this, even though I may not know exactly how I will do it, I will get it done. I will be strong. I will be steel. And if he never gets to see what all his work has done, it is his loss and another's treasure. But one way or another I will become steel.