Angst

Dear Depression,

I hate you. I loath you. I wish that you had never become a part of my life. I never asked you to come and invade my thoughts, and yet here you are giving everything a gray scummy haze. I have been fighting you my whole life. At least as long as I can remember. You have taken everything from me, including the thing I hold most dear: myself.

I have fought you, tooth and nail. I have tried to hide this demon inside me from the rest of the world. I've tried to make it seem as if I am normal. I've taken pills, I've told my story to those who were supposed to help. And I was betrayed, again and again. Because of you. You imbalance of chemicals in my brain. You that causes fear that paralyzes me. You that I have little control over.

Go a head and say we see life how we wish to see it, but this is not the case. I have grasped at the light, I know the light is there, but when you, my demon, are in control I cannot hold on to it. I can not hold onto the lights of my life. Because of that, because of this curse, this burden that I had no part in, I have spiraled out of control.

At first I didn't understand. I was too young, to inexperienced to know that this was not right. I thought I was being punished for something. I though that god had made a mistake. That I was some kind of fluke. That it was my fault that people were mean to me, and while those thoughts lingered in the back of my mind I had them confirmed. They were confirmed by the adults with the training to help me. They told me it was my fault for being impulsive, this is why the other kids didn't like me.

It has only been in the last two months that I have truly battled you. I have looked you in the eye and I've ripped apart your lives. I've rescued myself. I have started the rest of my life, my life without you.

And yet you are still here. You sneak up on me, you take total control of me. No matter how much good I see, no matter how many blessings I have, you turn them dark. I fight you, I do. I try to make it so that I can use the lessons I've learned.

Today you won. Tomorrow you wont. I will not let you win. I got my life back once and I will do it again. I will hunt you down you sneaky bastard until you are banished from me. I will use every goddamn tool I have at my disposal. I will not let you take over my life again. Let this be your warning you piece of shit. I'm coming for you, since its my head your in, theres no place for you to hide that I cannot find.

Hell hath no wrath like a woman who you fucked with,
Lilly