So. I've had a pretty stable time here. Until today. Today I hit a massive low. When I say massive I mean massive. It isn't as bad as I used to have, thank goodness. But I am still anxious and scared. I understand why I have these feelings, and that they are perfectly normal and healthy. These are wonderful and positive things. Normally these realizations are what can drag me out of this funk. The realization that I am handling this much better than I once would have.
This time, it is way out of my control. And what is in my control disappoints me. I want to be normal. I so desperately want to be normal. I don't have a normal brain, I haven't had a normal life. Yes I am damn lucky compared to the majority of people. But just because I have more doesn't mean I should be more happy. Things do not matter. I have so much, but I am not happy because of them. I am happy because I am living. I am unhappy when I am worrying. When I am alive, I am not worrying.
Right now I am worried. I am worried because I know myself, I know my family, and I know the situation. These three things combined scare the shit out of me. I want to manipulate my words, make my family understand, have them help me. As I write this, I get my shit together. And I laugh.
You know why? I've found some of the answer. And well, some people just aren't gonna like it.
No comments:
Post a Comment