What I want!

So, another day of therapy. I'm still enjoying it. Today I figured out why I feel this need to tell the world about my emotions.

I need to feel vindicated.

As I've hinted at before, I'm an abused child. Some how in all of this mess I've taken the high road out. I've managed to try and make something of an absolutely terrible situation. I've been strong past the point that most people would last. I've tried to find the light in this darkness. Yet at time darkness seems to take over because I'm doing most of it right. But I get treated like I'm doing it all wrong.

I am just trying to be the adult.

My parents tend to act like confused teenagers. They fight over trivial things. They can't plan. They put all this drama into a crisis.  From the age of three I tried to get my dad to stop hurting my mom's feelings. I still have to do this almost daily, and it sucks. I have all these rituals to try and get things away from the breaking point. I try to plan things, I tip toe around my parents, I try to be as responsible as possible, I try to take control of situations and get things fixed.

What do I get for my troubles? I get kicked out. I get put down. I get ignored. I get pushed away. I get abused. So what do I do? I fall apart in my friends arms and freak out over little things because in life as I know it, the smallest things can make my whole life explode. I don't feel like I can trust people, cause when you can't trust your parents to help you, who can you trust? I get stressed out easily because I'm trying to figure out ways to deal with all of the ways something could go wrong. I over react to things because that is all I've ever known.

Yet once again I'm doing things the hard way and trying to change.

Guess what, it is already started to work. This whole adventure is going a lot quicker then I have anticipated. I feel the changes that just talking to someone that can help me pull out my emotions and help me deal with them. I've already started to think about myself differently. I have had more control over my thoughts and actions, especially those influenced by emotion.

But what does this have to do with vindication?

Because I know that I'm doing things mostly right, but my parents are reacting if I'm doing them all wrong I feel this need to know that I am doing what is right. I'm confused. I need to know that I'm behaving in the right way, that I am making the right choices. Because the people that are supposed to guide me, aren't. I have to re-learn my reactions to things, rather then keep living in this darkness. I will bring light into my life, even if it means that I get hell for it once and a while.