Lines

I'm a messed up person. Anyone who reads this blog knows that. Anyone who reads it also knows that I am working on making a change. About fixing what has gone wrong in my life. One of the biggest things I seem to do is play games with myself. I say if he or she doesn't do this by now, then well they don't really mean what they are saying. Obviously this is not true.

I'm not sure why I draw these lines and play these games. All it does is make me more upset about a situation. I'm trying to stop. Since the only person I play this game with is boyfriend, and well we all know how that turned out.

I believe that everyone draws these lines. How soon is it to call after a first date? What does go up for coffee mean to her? All that kind of stuff, we put meaning where there is none for no apparent reason. It isn't like there is a manual to relationships that we all have read and all understand. Each person has their own rules and values, yet we act like those values and rules are the same as ours by applying meaning to their actions with out really knowing them.

I take this game to the extreme, even when I do know somebody I still do this. I blame it on my father and family, like most other things. That doesn't mean I can't try to change it. In fact this post is an attempt at me trying to distract myself from the invisible line I drew with boyfriend. I said I would wait for him to read what I had written, well with in five minuets he hadn't responded and I began to thing THAT LIAR HE LIED TO ME! There was no evidence behind this feeling, other then he didn't text me back. There are at least a million better and more sane reasons for not texting somebody back.

But my mind jumps to the nefarious one. So here I am writing about my thought processes and repeating in my head, "Change takes time. You are cared about. It is okay to feel this way just not to act on it. You are a good person. You can do this." Over and over to try to quel my feelings of holy shit he lied to me. And maybe he did, so fucking what? It isn't the end of the world, it just hurts a lot.

Another step in the right direction I guess, trying to calm myself down and work on the reason I'm freaking out rather then reacting.