Looking Up

Today is another day, another day of figuring out the mess I've made. Well it isn't totally my mess. But I guess that is okay... Right? I've had an up and down day honestly. I've had some trouble with stuff, and I've dealt with it.

I feel like an archeologist. Ah this is where the lovely Lilly went wrong! I keep going through my actions with people, mostly because I have been holed up in my house with out much human contact. I should be focusing more on the present but I find it hard to really notice my day to day emotions. They are there, but they are buried under everything else. It is also hard because a lot of my emotions are centered around losing boyfriend, and to get to the root of those emotions I have to admit that I truly love him. And that is a lot harder then I would like to admit.

The other difficult thing is not automatically telling my emotions to somebody. Its like I've got this weird compulsion to treat all my friends like mini therapists. I never talk about what I'm interested in. I just talk about what I'm feeling. Which drives people absolutely nuts. I can understand why too. I want to figure out why I don't talk about my interests.

I think it might be because I hate getting criticism. I hate not feeling like I'm the expert and in control of my whole world when I'm talking about something. I don't mind it so much when I'm listening to something. Its like I'm so afraid of being wrong about something I care about I wont even let the possibility happen. I really need to work on my fear issues...

I realized that boyfriend was right. At this present moment the relationship between us will never work. I expect too much of him, or any other guy for that matter. Its like you're my boyfriend now you are magically expected to be perfect and make all of my problems disappear and if you don't I will transform into an absolute dragon lady.

And this is the point where I'm thinking that this therapist is a really good fit and things are working. Instead of completely getting upset and freaking out over this fact, I've accepted it. I'm saying alright well what am I going to do to change this. I'm focusing on what I can do instead of what I can't, and even better I'm not dwelling on it too much.

The other thing that this is doing is really making me look at the people I have in my life, and all the things that they have done for me that I have taken for granted. Boyfriend is at the top of that list. Makes me want him back in my life even more, but I know I have to wait until I'm stable. Until I know I wont backslide. And even then he has to want me back in his life too.

Everything happens for a reason. And this happening, even though it sucks, had a really good reason. I am in the process of getting my life back, not that I ever really had it. I am hopeful. I finally let go of some of the anger that had me in its grip for so long. Sometimes we don't get what we want, but we get what we need. I wish things could have happened differently but sadly that would mess up the whole story, and so the story must remain as it is. For some reason that makes me feel better.