Today I got a text message from my father: Watchout an emu is on the loose and headed twoards bloomington. There are two very important things you must know.
This is an emu.
This is me, when I see a bird.
I am terrified, no pathologically afraid of birds! Why might you ask? Well you see, I was viscously attacked by a rooster, WITH SPURS, when I was about four. I looked like I had been in a gang fight, bruises, cuts, the whole shebang.
So when my dad tells me there is a six foot tall flightless monster on its way to my town, I'm freaking out. I don't think this picture of me still in my pajamas, with my hair curling and my eyes wide open does this justice! I fracking hate birds. I loath birds. I freeze and cannot move when I see a bird. When a sparrow flies by I let out screams of fear akin to a horror movie hooker being cut into little bite sized pieces for a cannibal.
So if you never hear from me again, this is why. I have been killed by an emu!
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