Bravery

Many people have said that bravery is not the absence of fear, it is doing what is right even when you are afraid.

I need to become more brave. My whole life I've been so afraid of everything, because I've lived in a world of drama, where the slightest wrong move can bring everything tumbling down. I've had financial stability all my life, but I have rarely had emotional stability. Growing up like this has lead me down a dark dark path.

I've started to get away from that path, blaze my own trail. Yet it is hard. My parents are after all parents, its is hard for them to let go of their children. I think this is different than that. I've been on the verge of adulthood for the past few years, and my parents can usually catch themselves when they are doing this. No this is something different, this is a lack of respect and acceptance.

My parents are very emotionally driven people. If there is one thing I've learned it is that emotions are neither good or bad. They just are. You have to just accept that and live with it. My parents have not learned this lesson yet, and likely never will. This is a source of great frustration for me. Because I have to change to survive, my parents don't. The people who made my life hellish, don't have to change. I know there are aspects of me that have made life hellish for others, and I'm okay with changing those. I'm okay with becoming better.

I am becoming better, but what makes the fear come through stronger is the reactions of my parents. Often they become like three year olds if put under stress, and will lash out on me or my brother if we make one tiny wrong move. This includes not behaving as they think we should, otherwise meaning that acting not like them. I have to fight and fight hard to become who I need to be. It is terrifying. Hopefully this next year at college, getting away from them will make things better.