I fail

I made a mistake, I dumped boyfriend. Damn do I regret it. That wasn't the biggest mistake I made. I forgot that I didn't have a normal relationship. I forgot that boyfriend wasn't like wreck or weirdo, I forgot that he was special. I didn't treat him like he was intelligent. I didn't treat him like my partner, my other half. I treated him like the slaves that I've date before. I know it is stupid, and weird to say that. That I dated slaves. These boys never thought outside of the box, they always thought that normal was best and that was the best thing was the right thing.

Boyfriend wasn't and isn't like that. He is smart, he loves thought and reading. I didn't treat him like that, I treated him like the boys that had come before him. Quiet frankly I treated him like shit. I made the mistake of forgetting about him and trying to please myself.

I failed. I failed him, and I failed myself. I don't know who I failed more. I'm not sure if I can fix the mistakes I've made. I'm afraid to post this because I know he'll read it. I'm afraid it will only make things worse. Although I'm not sure I can make things worse. Cause I've messed up pretty badly this time. And the only thing that can fix it is space and time.

I hate that concept, that space and time will fix things. I guess I'm just impatient. I want things to be right, I want to say the right words, do the right things and bada boom bada bang it will all be okay. My existence will be right, I will have said the magic words and all will have healed. That isn't how this world works, we can't hack into each others brains and emotions with a few right words. Heck I don't know the words I would say. Would I say I love you thousand times? Would I say I'm sorry a million times? Would I beg for forgiveness a billion times? I honestly don't know.

I lost something, I lost a lot of things. I think the thing I miss the most is that childhood confidence, you know what I mean, that unshakable belief that you can grow up and do anything, be anything. If you ask an adult can you sing, they say no. Yet if you ask a child they will say yes. Children do not judge on if you did something well, they judge on if you did it. It isn't until we are older that we lose that wonder and excitement from just purely doing something.

When we grow up we lose so much, we lose our faith, we lose our confidence, we lose our innocence. It seems to me that from losing all this we gain unhappiness. We judge and are judged, we use what we have learned rather then making our own paths. That just doesn't seem right to me. Ever since I've become an adult I've been unhappy, I had to play by rules that don't work and frankly don't make sense. I've had to make everyone else happy and neglect myself. I've learned that the real monsters are the ones in your head, and those monsters are the hardest to get rid of.

I'm not afraid of responsibility, I'm not afraid of the adult world. I'm afraid that its messed up and that not enough people look at it with the eyes of a child and go at it with the will of a child. I'm afraid that I'm going to run myself down trying to save the world. Trying to be a hero. Yet if I look at it from the eyes of a child, and I do one thing right, I fix one thing. Then I am forever a hero.