I fucked up. I made a mistake. I lost the best friend I've ever had. I feel lost. I know it isn't totally my fault, but I am so worried. I hardly got any sleep last night. I've got a headache today.
All because I care about somebody who apparently doesn't give a rats ass about me.
People keep telling
e to wait. That he will come back if he wants to. That he isn't worth it. But for six years I have broken myself over this one guy and I can't stop now. I know something is wrong. I want to help. He has been by my side through thick and thin, but I can't be at his. It hurts. It is making me sick. I just want it to stop.
I want to see things through his eyes. I want see what he sees, to understand what I'm saying to him.
Because we don't always speak the same language, mine is words, his is actions. We get confused and we mistranslate. It hurts us. But we were doing better. I made one mistake. I've tried to fix it. But there is nothing I can do and it is making me sick. I want to show him what I mean. I want to speak the way he does. I want to let him know that I understand what is going on. I want him to understand me too.
But right now all I can do is pray. Pray that things will be mended. They always have been before.
All this is a bunch of words to him, with a small desperate action behind it. I wish I wasn't so self centered. I wish that looking outside of myself and seeing what others needed came more naturally to me. I wish a lot of things. But wishing doesn't make them come true. I can only do what I can and hope that it is the right choice. At this point there may be no wrong choices. I just hope he is okay and that he is happy. And I pray that I can be a part of his life again?
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