Forgiveness

Today I learned that I am a very angry person, and that anger is poisoning me. So I've set out to forgive each and every person I'm mad at. To finally let go of the pain and suffering that I am causing myself. So this is the introduction of the letter that I will send to each person. You people of the internet can read it first.

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."- Yoda


It might be a little weird to hear from me. Truth be told I feel weird writing this. I don't know how much you care, so I'll try to keep this bit brief. I've found myself on the dark side of life, I've followed fear to anger, anger to hate, and hate to suffering. The purpose of this message is to help me walk away from that path with one thing, forgiveness. You aren't the only one getting this message, I'm trying to send this to every person I can get a hold of that I need to forgive. You can choose not to read this, but if you read further know I will tell you why I'm mad at you. Just know that just by having a soul you have a reason to be forgiven.


"What you did that I need to forgive"


Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know I might have done things to you that were just as bad or worse then the things you did to me. I'm sorry. I hope for your own inner peace you may forgive me for the wrongs I did against you. Please do not feel obligated to respond to this, you can perceive this message as you will, but to me it is a physical affirmation of a mental healing process. 


"Only after disaster can we be resurrected"- Tyler Durden

Wizards First Rule

I just finished Wizards First Rule by Terry Goodkind. How often is it that a novel makes you reflect on yourself and brings you to tears? This book did. I'm still an emotional wreck over last nights part. Mr. Goodkind is also making me feel like a novice and a terrible writer. I want to be able to write that damn effectively. I want to put that kind of power behind my words. I want people to look inside themselves, I want to inspire them to take their own magical journeys. And I feel completely lost at how to do that. I have this story, I have ideas. I just can't seem to find the right way to tell it. I don't know how to bring the characters to life. How to make them really fly off the page and into people's minds. I want to be able to tell them what I went through, what my friends went through, and what we did to combat it. I want to tell the dangers of acting the way we did, I want to show them the harm that it does. I want people to know that their actions effect others, even if they don't think about it. I want to write about the magic I so desperately cling to. I want to be a writer. I always have.

And so I go searching for tips on how to be a better writer...

HI!

So I haven't written an actual blog in a loooooong time. To busy trying to change my life and all. Right now I'm just taking a break from one of the most frustrating things I will ever do, clean my room. It actually isn't going half bad. I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff, mostly just throwing it out. Its kind of fun to have control and finally say fuck what my parents think I'm going to throw away what I'm going to throw away! I've also gotten a little bit behind with the book... But since I'm going back to school in less then two weeks I can't really blame myself.

Cleaning can be hard when you've never really taken the chance and said fuck it I don't care about what others think of me, I'm going to do it my way. Well back to cleaning!

Isaac

Character Chart

PART I. PHYSICAL
Full name: Isaac
Date of Birth/Age: 1990
Address: Milwaukee Suburbs
Race/Ethnic Background/Nationality: European
Height: 5' 7"
Weight/Body Build: 130, skinny as all get out.
Hair: Dark brown, no highlights, with a very slight curl to it.
Eyes: Deep brown with a few green flecks.
Peculiar Physical Traits:
Glasses/Contacts: Prefers his contacts, but either way is blind as a bat without them.
Smokes: Never ever in a million years.
Nervous Habits: Fiddling with things, playing with his hands.
Distinguishing Marks
Health: Very healthy
Smell: Musky, indescribable.
Voice: Medium range.

Usual Walking Style: A slight slump in his shoulders. Very distinctive.
Mannerisms: Uses his hands to talk. Very lose and very physical.
What type of clothes/shoes/accessories does he/she wear? Just typical boy clothes, prefers funny t-shirts that are nerdy and have meaning.
Any peculiar tastes in clothes/shoes/accessories? Not to have any?
Eating habits/mannerisms/tastes: American food, can be very picky otherwise.

PART II. GENERAL
Occupation/Social Class: Lower middle class, works at a hardware store.
Views on Money/Spending Habits: Save save save!
Education/Intelligence: Graduated high school, going off to college. Very smart.
Marital Status: Single
Birth Order: Youngest
Political Party/Views: Stop being idiots.
Religious Beliefs/Strength of Beliefs: None, but not atheists.
Sexual Orientation/Values: Hetro, sex is normal sex is good not everybody does it but everybody should.
What is his/her usual disposition? Happy, yet has a really mood swing in him.
Optimist/Pessimist? Optimist!
Introvert/Extrovert? Introvert, yet friendly.
Confident/Self-conscious? A good balance of the two.
How does he/she feel about his/her appearance? He wishes he looked better, but he doesn't feel he needs to make the effort.
Type of car: None, doesn't drive.
Most important possession:
Hobbies/Recreations/Sports: Working in the theatre, making stuff with his hands. Reading.
Talents: Woodworking.
What is a normal day like for this character? Relaxing, he is a really laid back kind of guy.
Greatest Fear
Major Goals
1. To be happy.
2. To get a good job and lead a good life.
3. To make good things with his hands.
4. to
PART III. RELATIONSHIPS
Significant Other/Relationship: None.
Who does he/she live with?: His parents
Who does he/she spend the most time with?: Roxana.
Father/Relationship with him/Occupation: George. Decent, but distant. Accountant.
Mother/Relationship with her/Occupation: Helen. Decent, but distant. None.
Siblings/Relationships: An older brother, Chris. They are semi close.
Children/Ages: None
Best Friend: Roxana
Other Important Friends: Kate, Di, and Eric.
Feelings toward animals: Is kind of afraid of them.
How does he/she view his family? He would do anything for his family, they are some of the most important people in the world to him.
How does he/she view his friends? He cares about his friends, not as much as his family though.
How does he/she view his boss/co-workers/employees? He just works for the money...
How does his family view him? They love him unconditionally.
How does his friends view him? A little off, but they care about him. He drives Roxana a bit batty sometimes but she is still his best friend.
How does his boss/co-workers/employees view him? They value him...
Who is his hero? Harry Dresden
Other comments: Not yet...

Roxana Rae

Borrowed fromCharacter Chart

PART I. PHYSICAL

Full name: Roxana Rae

Date of Birth/Age: April 19 1991

Address: Suburbs of Milwalkee

Race/Ethnic Background/Nationality: Swedish, Norwegian, German, Danish, Polish, and French

Height: 5' 6"

Weight/Body Build: 120, slim but muscular. 

Hair: Wavy blonde

Eyes: Bright Green

Peculiar Physical Traits:
Glasses/Contacts: Nope
Smokes: Never.
Nervous Habits: Picking at her nails.
Distinguishing Marks: A small scar on her left hand. (from a dance accident.)

Health: Good, rarely gets sick.

Smell: Bath and Body Work's Vanilla Sugar

Voice: Medium range

Usual Walking Style: Graceful, like a royal.

Mannerisms: Can be exaggerated when excited but usually rather reserved.
What type of clothes/shoes/accessories does he/she wear? She wears simple, understated clothes. Typically in neutrals. She likes her clothes to be loose and easy to move in. She usually has at least one odd piece for every one of her fashion ensambles.
Any peculiar tastes in clothes/shoes/accessories? Practical yet unique. 

Eating habits/mannerisms/tastes: She has a bit of a small sugar addiction. She can be a picky eater, but generally she eats pretty healthy.

PART II. GENERAL

Occupation/Social Class: Dancer, unpaid. Middle class.

Views on Money/Spending Habits: She can be extravagant but usually she is a saver.

Education/Intelligence: Just finished high school, is going on to college. She is bloody brilliant.

Marital Status: Engaged.

Birth Order: First Born.

Political Party/Views: Socialist. She believe in social rights for all, free health care and education. 

Religious Beliefs/Strength of Beliefs: She is currently a closet pagan, she was raised in a very Christian home so she hides it.

Sexual Orientation/Values: She is heterosexual, and a bit of a prude.

What is his/her usual disposition? Pleasant, yet moody.
Optimist/Pessimist? Pessimist, all the way.
Introvert/Extrovert? In between, she is very particular who she will hang out with and when.
Confident/Self-conscious? Self conscious.

How does he/she feel about his/her appearance? It depends on her mood, like most things in her life.

Type of car: Mini Van

Most important possession: 

Hobbies/Recreations/Sports: Knitting, reading, and dance.

Talents: Dance.

What is a normal day like for this character? Hectic. She has school, then rushes off to dance and finally at nine ish eats dinner at home and does homework. At 11, if she is lucky, she finally gets to bed.

Greatest Fear: Failure.

Major Goals
1. Getting her degree.
2. Becoming a choreographer. 
3. Leaving her family behind.
4. Seeing the world.

PART III. RELATIONSHIPS

Significant Other/Relationship: Cain.

Who does he/she live with? Her parents and brother.

Who does he/she spend the most time with? Isaac.

Father/Relationship with him/Occupation: Halem. Rocky at best, he has kicked her out of the house before. Teacher.

Mother/Relationship with her/Occupation: Sarah. They don't always see eye to eye, but not nearly as bad as her father. Teacher.

Siblings/Relationships: Martin. Roxana has always hated Martin for not being a girl, though she tries to look out for him, especially with tough love.

Children/Ages: None

Best Friend: Isaac. Taylor

Other Important Friends: Emily, and Camilla.

Feelings toward animals: Loves them, even considered becoming a vet.

How does he/she view his family? She hates her family, she finds them to be abusive and small minded.

How does he/she view his friends? Loves her friends, she often wishes that they could be her family.

How does he/she view his boss/co-workers/employees?

How does his family view him? They see her as bossy and needing to have her way.

How does his friends view him? A little self centered but all around a good person.

How does his boss/co-workers/employees view him?

Who is his hero? Luna Lovegood

Other comments: Roxana is the main character, this is her at the start of the first novel.

Stuck

I'm stuck. I have all the ideas. I just haven't been really able to get past that. Maybe it is because well... this takes a lot more effort then I thought it would. I keep meaning to write down notes, but its all in my head. I really should ask for that software that turns your speech into writing. Cause I talk to myself... Or whoever is listening. Which is why I blog!

I really should do some character work, that is what I have been meaning to do. I'm going to find a form that I can go through with almost all of my characters.

Plans

The book has been coming along wonderfully, or shall I say the books. I always meant for this to be a trilogy or more. I've figured out what I am going to do with the plot. I've really go to sit down and nail out the specifics but he ideas, they are all there. I'm planing to do a more in depth character analysis over the next couple of posts. Perhaps a basic story outline. I want to really go into the characters, because they are what drives the story. I also will be doing a family tree so that I can look back and see who is related to who. This is officially the farthest I've gotten in the planning stages of one of my books. Hopefully I will actually finish these books and maybe if I'm lucky get published.

My World

I'm writing this as a sort of exercise. Trying to explain my world. The way my life seems at times. It isn't pretty, it isn't happy it isn't good.

Imagine yourself on a tight rope. You know how to tight rope walk, but you still aren't the best at it. Envision below you everything you hold dear, represented in glass figures. Every wrong you move you make, you will destroy the figurines and send shards of glass flying everywhere. You must be perfect. Every wobble has the potentially to destroy your friends, your family, your job, and most importantly destroy you. Every small mistake you make becomes and ordeal. Your trainer yells at you, bringing your moral down even lower then before. Your body is bleeding, but you can't stop yet, if you stop you will fall and it will be fatal. The end of this nightmare is always in sight, yet it is far off. You try to get there, you do the best you can, but because it isn't perfect you destroy the figurines.

This is what life is like in my house. I do everything to avoid conflict, until I reach that breaking point. I want so very much to be normal, to come to terms with this situation. I can't. I can't seem to let go of trying to change things. Trying to make my world better. To clear the glass figurines away and learn to walk the tightrope with out them. I want so very much to master this skill, and I've finally gotten help outside of my home. Yet it is still hard to let go of the dream of things getting better.

Greatness

I am good. I have always been good. Being good at most things comes naturally to me. I can skate by in life being good. For the most part that is what I have done, I've let natural talent get me by.

I don't want to do that any more.


If I'm good right now what could I be if I made more of an effort? What could I do with my life if I stopped saying that good was good enough? Thats what I want to do. I want to stop being content with being good enough and try to be great.

Research

So, like any half way decent novelist I have been doing some research. Research into how to write, research into history, research into how clocks work, research into family history. The worst by far has been the family history. I know a lot of it, having no first cousins makes my relationships to those relatives I do have very convoluted. Of course since I am writing about the family history... Well I have to trace the family back, since the family I'm writing about was in sweden at the time, well US census records don't help much.

And of course, my father the king of pettiness, is angry that I don't have anything "important done". As he sits doing crossword puzzles. He worked on the dryer for a little bit. Yes oh so much work. I am sorry I am not organized! It just isn't my way. I also understand he is hurt because I am asking all of these questions of my mom about our family history and I have no interest in his side. At the moment. The first of these books is about my mom's side of the family... So what? He has been too sensitive since his mom died, especially since I spent part of yesterday asking him about his side of the family.

Oh well, at least I'm getting somewhere with the family research, even if it is with the wrong side of the family.

What I want!

So, another day of therapy. I'm still enjoying it. Today I figured out why I feel this need to tell the world about my emotions.

I need to feel vindicated.

As I've hinted at before, I'm an abused child. Some how in all of this mess I've taken the high road out. I've managed to try and make something of an absolutely terrible situation. I've been strong past the point that most people would last. I've tried to find the light in this darkness. Yet at time darkness seems to take over because I'm doing most of it right. But I get treated like I'm doing it all wrong.

I am just trying to be the adult.

My parents tend to act like confused teenagers. They fight over trivial things. They can't plan. They put all this drama into a crisis.  From the age of three I tried to get my dad to stop hurting my mom's feelings. I still have to do this almost daily, and it sucks. I have all these rituals to try and get things away from the breaking point. I try to plan things, I tip toe around my parents, I try to be as responsible as possible, I try to take control of situations and get things fixed.

What do I get for my troubles? I get kicked out. I get put down. I get ignored. I get pushed away. I get abused. So what do I do? I fall apart in my friends arms and freak out over little things because in life as I know it, the smallest things can make my whole life explode. I don't feel like I can trust people, cause when you can't trust your parents to help you, who can you trust? I get stressed out easily because I'm trying to figure out ways to deal with all of the ways something could go wrong. I over react to things because that is all I've ever known.

Yet once again I'm doing things the hard way and trying to change.

Guess what, it is already started to work. This whole adventure is going a lot quicker then I have anticipated. I feel the changes that just talking to someone that can help me pull out my emotions and help me deal with them. I've already started to think about myself differently. I have had more control over my thoughts and actions, especially those influenced by emotion.

But what does this have to do with vindication?

Because I know that I'm doing things mostly right, but my parents are reacting if I'm doing them all wrong I feel this need to know that I am doing what is right. I'm confused. I need to know that I'm behaving in the right way, that I am making the right choices. Because the people that are supposed to guide me, aren't. I have to re-learn my reactions to things, rather then keep living in this darkness. I will bring light into my life, even if it means that I get hell for it once and a while.

The Plot

So I've got the main idea behind my book but I can't find a conflict. I know the story, I know the characters. I know what the themes are. For some reason I can't figure out the conflict. I could make it about losing the environment but that would just not jive with the next book. I could make it a murder mystery but that is the plot of the second book. Of course I won't post the end of the book here, that would just defeat the purpose of writing it in the first place.

I'm just stuck on finding a conflict. Everything else in the book seems to fall into place, but it isn't really exciting. I've always liked writing fantasy, but most of that is about saving the world. Honestly I think I want this book to be about saving yourself. Or finding yourself, I'm not exactly sure which yet.

I am totally beating my brains out over what the plot should be. I know I have a really good idea, I just can't find the conflict, and what is the point of starting to write when you have no idea where it is going. Even when I've known where the story is going I've had trouble writing it. That is the purpose of doing all of this work on my blog. I actually sit down and write out my ideas and feel an obligation to do so.

Another thing I am stuck on is what kind of tense to use. First person present. First person past. Third person present. Third person past. Mix up. Combine them? I honestly don't know at this point. So I'm stuck with working on the characters, but I guess that isn't a bad place to be stuck at. Maybe the characters will give me the plot.

I actually kind of hope they do, because this book is over all about family. This book is about the people that make a family and the relationships between them, good or bad. I'm not really sure what to do with it beyond that. I know I want a steampunk and magical element to it. Beyond that I'm kind of stuck. Maybe the answer will come to me sooner or later.

The Cast

As I promised, I am going to start working on my novel. The whole basis of my story is my cousins, the people who mean the world to me. As with every extended family its well... complicated. You have your heroes, your villains and everyone in between. I will try to keep the relationship connections at bay, this is about the characters, not the way they relate. Yet...

The Family

Berenice
Berenice is the glue of the family. She can be a little judgmental at times, but over all she has a good heart. She has helped out members of the family when others wouldn't. Berenice is a mother and a grandmother. She took care of her mother Ruth in her old age. She hosts the family reunion every year at her house. She also enjoys quilting.

Heather
Heather is kind of a sour puss. She has a bit of an attitude, and a snarky one at that. At first her comments and behavior may be off putting but she does care about others. She means well and is a kind person at heart. She has a daughter and a husband. She also enjoys knitting.

Bridget
Bridget is very artistic. She has lots of talent with even more of a teenage attitude. She has her moments but she is still a good person. She can be a little odd at times but she fits right in with the rest of the family. She loves drawing on her tablet.

Miles
Miles is Heathers's husband. He has a kind heart but he works with Heathers's snarky attitude. He is and over all quiet person though. He enjoys riding his motorbike.

Erik
Erik is the family odd ball. He has a bit of a snarky attitude like Heather but the kindness of Grace. He truly cares about others and is a good listener. He loves bacon and enjoys playing around with things and making them better.

Howard
Howard is Berenice's husband. He is a quiet and brilliant man. He is a former high school shop teacher and enjoys building things, he built all the buildings at the lake house. He can be a bit abrasive especially when teasing. He enjoys building things and figuring it out how it works.

Grace
Grace is a kind hearted and sympathetic nurse. She truly cares about people and is an excellent listener. She had a rough split with her husband way back then. She re married and she is very much in love. She enjoys the arts.

Kevin
Kevin is Grace's husband. He is a sweet quiet man who very much loves his wife. He has kids from a former marriage. He has some money but doesn't really flaunt it. He loves to read on his ereader.

Ida
Ida is sarcastic, but not the same as Heather. She has a great heart and really cares about others. She loves animals and kids. She is the furthest away from the rest of the family but enjoys getting together with all of the cousins. Her and Heather are the closest.

Stan
Stan is Idas husband. He works for the DNR. He loves to fish and is wonderful at it. Stan has lost some of his hearing and has to wear hearing aides. If he doesn't, well hilarity ensues.

Hannah
Hannah isn't a teenage yet but she is on the cusp of it. She enjoys acting and wants to be an actress. She gets along well with Libby. She swims and plays cello.

Connor
Connor is a doctor. His nickname is spanks. Nobody in the family knows why. He enjoys his wine, but not in a bad way. He can be a bit cranky at times, but so can everyone else.

Evangeline
Evangeline is Connor's wife. She is a sweet quiet woman. She loves her adopted family and is a fixture at family events.

Dexter
Dexter is Connor and Evangeline's oldest son. He enjoys his gameboy and playing with his little brother.

Adam
Adam is Connor and Evangeline's youngest son. He likes playing with legos and his brother.

Dorthea
Dorthea is a model and a graphic designer. She enjoys her modeling work and spending time with her daughter. She likes spending time with her husband.

Alan
Alan is Dorthea's husband. He is a bit of a computer nerd. He enjoys his computer games and his daughter.

Leda
Leda is Alan and Dorthea's daughter. She is a smart little girl.

Gabriel
Gabriel is a smart young man. He is a quiet person. He enjoys just relaxing and being a typical young adult. He has a dramatic past, especially when it comes to family.

Halem
Craig enjoys working on projects, but he has a major anger management problem. He is a nervous and worried person.

Sarah
Sarah can be a bit of a ditz but she does mean well. She enjoys her life as a teacher. Reading and relaxing are her two main hobbies.

Martin
Martin is a nerd. There isn't much else about him. He enjoys his nerdy stuff too much and tends to ignore those around him with it.

Roxana
Allison is a sweet girl. She enjoys reading and working on her theatre and art. She gets frustrated easily. She has a few caveats but she over all means well.

Clara
Clara is a bit of a hipster. She doesn't exeactly fit in with the family but they love her anyway. She has a degree in biology from Northwestern.

Damian
Damian is one of those people that is a constant disappointment. He is self centered and doesn't realize it. He is rude and nobody really likes him.

Phillip
Phillip is a persona non grata in the family. He lives in town but he isn't welcome to hang out with the family. His wife controls his behavior and hes tried to make amends but with no luck.

Rosabella
Rosabella is young but hopes for her aren't high among the family. She hasn't had the easiest of lives and is self centered. Just like her dad. She doesn't know any better and it is easy to feel sorry for her because of it.

Friends

Emily
Emily is a loyal friend. She has her issues, especially with boys. She has a good heart but sometimes it gets obfuscated by her issues.

Isaac
Isaac is a good person, but he has a mean streak. He is a good friend but you have to get him to open up to you first. He has one close friend and that is it.

Camilla
Camilla can be a bit slow. But what she loses with that she makes up for with compassion.

Cain
Cain is a manipulative jackass.

So I tailed off at the end with the details... so sue me. I will come back and work on each of these people individually. That is all for now.

Looking Up

Today is another day, another day of figuring out the mess I've made. Well it isn't totally my mess. But I guess that is okay... Right? I've had an up and down day honestly. I've had some trouble with stuff, and I've dealt with it.

I feel like an archeologist. Ah this is where the lovely Lilly went wrong! I keep going through my actions with people, mostly because I have been holed up in my house with out much human contact. I should be focusing more on the present but I find it hard to really notice my day to day emotions. They are there, but they are buried under everything else. It is also hard because a lot of my emotions are centered around losing boyfriend, and to get to the root of those emotions I have to admit that I truly love him. And that is a lot harder then I would like to admit.

The other difficult thing is not automatically telling my emotions to somebody. Its like I've got this weird compulsion to treat all my friends like mini therapists. I never talk about what I'm interested in. I just talk about what I'm feeling. Which drives people absolutely nuts. I can understand why too. I want to figure out why I don't talk about my interests.

I think it might be because I hate getting criticism. I hate not feeling like I'm the expert and in control of my whole world when I'm talking about something. I don't mind it so much when I'm listening to something. Its like I'm so afraid of being wrong about something I care about I wont even let the possibility happen. I really need to work on my fear issues...

I realized that boyfriend was right. At this present moment the relationship between us will never work. I expect too much of him, or any other guy for that matter. Its like you're my boyfriend now you are magically expected to be perfect and make all of my problems disappear and if you don't I will transform into an absolute dragon lady.

And this is the point where I'm thinking that this therapist is a really good fit and things are working. Instead of completely getting upset and freaking out over this fact, I've accepted it. I'm saying alright well what am I going to do to change this. I'm focusing on what I can do instead of what I can't, and even better I'm not dwelling on it too much.

The other thing that this is doing is really making me look at the people I have in my life, and all the things that they have done for me that I have taken for granted. Boyfriend is at the top of that list. Makes me want him back in my life even more, but I know I have to wait until I'm stable. Until I know I wont backslide. And even then he has to want me back in his life too.

Everything happens for a reason. And this happening, even though it sucks, had a really good reason. I am in the process of getting my life back, not that I ever really had it. I am hopeful. I finally let go of some of the anger that had me in its grip for so long. Sometimes we don't get what we want, but we get what we need. I wish things could have happened differently but sadly that would mess up the whole story, and so the story must remain as it is. For some reason that makes me feel better.

This is who I want to be

Today I changed my life. I started using the techniques from the book. My brother couldn't find the car after church. I drive a red car. It isn't that hard to spot. I was getting upset, How stupid could my little brother be? It wasn't even that large of a parking lot! When my brother finally found the car, I started to think up a sharp comeback that would express my frustration. I caught myself. I counted to ten. My anger didn't dissipate right away. I was able to hold back the rude comments that for sure would have hurt my brother's feelings.

I can do this!

I can get on top of my emotions. I don't have to be a social outcast anymore. I can stop feeling like I am out of control. I can stop looking back on my actions with regret. This is possible. And low and behold I've reached another goal, I'm becoming more positive. Now I just have to keep this new positive thing up! I've already made the first few steps, they haven't been easy, but they sure as hell have been worth it.

Downer.

So I finally got my sorry bum into therapy. I really like my therapist, and I think it could be a major improvement for me. The only down side is I'm sort of depressed by the homework she gave me, I'm having a lot of trouble with it, I guess that is why I am going to therapy in the first place. What I'm struggling with is my emotional intelligence. Basically I am in my own little bubble and can't deal with others well. Great. That explains a lot. I want to fix it but it is still really hard because I have convinced myself this is just the way I am.

Basically twenty years of saying I'm on the right track baby I was born this way isn't going to get me anywhere in life... Fun. I'm just going to have to buck up and deal with it. Also having everyone tell me I over think stuff, according to this book I don't think enough sometimes. Oh life is frustrating...

On top of that I am seriously debating dropping out of college. Not for good but just for a little while. I figured out what has been putting so much stress on me, and it has been the social part of college. I let a few really bad things define how the rest of my year went and well if you know anything about how this blog goes it blew up in my face.

So that is my life at this point. I'm sure there are some good bright sides to it, I just can't find them.

Don't know what you've got til it is gone.

I fucked up. I made a mistake. I lost the best friend I've ever had. I feel lost. I know it isn't totally my fault, but I am so worried. I hardly got any sleep last night. I've got a headache today.

All because I care about somebody who apparently doesn't give a rats ass about me.

People keep telling

e to wait. That he will come back if he wants to. That he isn't worth it. But for six years I have broken myself over this one guy and I can't stop now. I know something is wrong. I want to help. He has been by my side through thick and thin, but I can't be at his. It hurts. It is making me sick. I just want it to stop.

I want to see things through his eyes. I want see what he sees, to understand what I'm saying to him.

Because we don't always speak the same language, mine is words, his is actions. We get confused and we mistranslate. It hurts us. But we were doing better. I made one mistake. I've tried to fix it. But there is nothing I can do and it is making me sick. I want to show him what I mean. I want to speak the way he does. I want to let him know that I understand what is going on. I want him to understand me too.

But right now all I can do is pray. Pray that things will be mended. They always have been before.

All this is a bunch of words to him, with a small desperate action behind it. I wish I wasn't so self centered. I wish that looking outside of myself and seeing what others needed came more naturally to me. I wish a lot of things. But wishing doesn't make them come true. I can only do what I can and hope that it is the right choice. At this point there may be no wrong choices. I just hope he is okay and that he is happy. And I pray that I can be a part of his life again?

Relax.

It is funny how time moves. Adults used to warn me that when you got older time sped up. I never really believed them, until now. I look back on my life, thus far. I wonder what happened. A day used to seem like forever, even when you weren't waiting for something special to happen. Where has time gone? I still think of myself as 17 some days, even though I'm closer to 20. I forget that I will soon have lived two decades of my life, and I've got approximately 80 left after that. If this is just the first 2 decades of my life what are the next two going to be like?

Its been a whirlwind of a month, shit has hit the fan in ways I never thought it could. I broke up with boyfriend, I half got back with boyfriend. I lost a close friend of mine to pure jackassery. I lost my beloved grandma. I went through a fruitless job search. There are more things I could list, but I can't think of them right now. I've had to ride the waves of adulthood, and it has been fun and it has been absolutely awful. Yet it hasn't killed me.

I'm stitting writing this in my cousin's lake house. I've hung out with my amazing multitude of second and third cousins. I've carried my smaller cousins around on my back, I've gone kayaking with the older ones. Talked about death with some of the eldest, and overall just had a break from life. Being able to get away from my immediate family and spend some time with people I only see once a year. It is something that I wouldn't give up for the world.

These people are my inspiration for my next project. Last year I started writing a novel. This year I want to finish writing it. I'm writing about these people, the collection of crazy, different, strange, offbeat, onbeat, fun, people that are my family. I'm thinking of making this blog my place to write about and even post my book.