The thing I never ever want to own up to.

These are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Is fear holding you back from living your fullest life and being truly self expressed? Put yourself in the shoes of the you who’s already lived your dream and write out the answers to the following:
Is the insecurity you’re defending worth the dream you’ll never realize? or the love you’ll never venture? or the joy you’ll never feel?
Will the blunder matter in 10 years? Or 10 weeks? Or 10 days? Or 10 minutes?
Can you be happy being anything less than who you really are?
Now Do. The Thing. You Fear.

I wrote an entire fucking post about how I should give up on life because that is the thing I fear most. And finally after ranting about that and getting into things with ex, and how they are better and its this one tiny little thing. One little tiny thing.

I can't... I can't... I cannot have sex with him.

I'm not a virgin, this isn't even the first time I've slept with the guy. It isn't even because we broke up and got half way back together. It isn't anything normal, at least I don't think it is. Let me explain.

I can fake being turned on, I often do. Why because I love toying with guys. I love acting sexy, I love putting on the pretty clothes and acting like I know what I'm doing and I enjoy it. Until the clothes come off. I've been accused of being a tease, maybe I am but I'm not exactly sure. I know teen and college sex is notoriously crappy, but being the odd balls that ex and I are we've tried to get around that. The truth is it isn't that I'm not pleased, its that I either get these horrible leg cramps(no matter how *cough* I'm positioned) or I get depressed border line suicidal after the fact. I've searched the internet, trying to find something that may help me with this because I get the feeling this isn't normal. The whole ordeal has gone from unpleasant to unbearable.

I get so hopeful, trying to do something new trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I'm embarrassed to talk about it to my friends, since well it is kind of awkward. I can't talk to my parents. So I end up hiding it. I end up hiding that I feel like this freak that doesn't get turned on. I can't even turn myself on, which is the number one tip I've found for this kind of problem. It still doesn't work. And I get more frustrated and more upset.

The truth is it has gotten to be where I use any excuse in the book to avoid sex. If ex manages to sooth me into trying, I still have some sort of panic attack. I'm having a mild one right now for even thinking of posting this on the internet. Why because I'm afraid of sex. It is this big messy thing that I got talked into with the wrong guy at the wrong time. Everything I've dealt with that is sexual has been some kind of disaster. And when the right guy who is willing to actually try to get this right comes along, I can't get my body to act like a normal teenager with raging hormones and do it. Maybe I'll do what I fear instead of just owning up to it, but for now this is all I've got.