Owning up to it

The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.

An over arching theme through all of my writing lately has been death, the events surrounding my grandmothers death. In some ways I regret that this wonderful challenge fell into my lap at this time, at others I don't. Right now I'm not sure what is scary anymore.


Except for admitting that I am an abused child.

Some of my friends know I consider my family abusive. Some of them gawk and try to get me to look at it from my parents point of view. Most of them encourage me to get out on my own, or even call the cops next time it happens. Being the stubborn knuckle head I am I finally broke down and told my parents what they were doing wrong. It was a long screaming emotional train wreck. In which this second scary thing comes out.

I am suicidal and self destructive, and I get really depressed.

I finally got my parents to listen to me. We made the right doctors appointments. We didn't know that right smack in the middle of it my grandmother would have her stroke. So even though I will be getting the help I need, my healing processes hit a dead end. Its my own damn fault, I haven't made my voice be heard because my father is mourning over the loss of his mom, meanwhile I try to be some kind of super woman and get everything done so that my family can start healing.

I can't truly admit there is anything wrong, ever.

Until now, amusingly when everything in my life is going "right". I admit that some of these problems are my own, and I desperately need to deal with them. That is the thing I've taken the first step and I'm starting to get my shit together. I am starting to become somebody who I can love, somebody that make her own way in this world. Working towards becoming someone I'm proud to know, rather then being somebody I'm scared to admit exists. There is one problem.

I don't know where this path is going, and I'm terrified.

Everyone's life is full of twists and turns that scare them. To me I'm at a huge crossroads and I've got quiet a few choices, the scariest ones are not my own.  Even though I've started making steps to fix my family, I don't think they will ever let me speak. The will take their assumptions and world view, superimpose it on mine and I'm shit out of luck. I will break their hearts and make them miserable because I did what I felt was right for me. Watching what my dad has gone through with losing his mother and facing the fact his brother didn't really care has made me so scared of that future that I once willingly embraced. The truth is as simple as this though:

I can do anything.

I have been given the greatest gift of all, life. I can choose what I do with it. I have all of these plans, and I'm not going to let anyone stop me. Even if it means that I have to leave everything I've ever known. Even if it means that I piss people off more then I do when I'm silent in the background. I want to embrace who I am, even the scariest parts.


I have a good intuition.

That is scary to me because I always feel like we focus too much on ourselves and not others. Well trusting my intuition means trusting myself, and nobody else. I feel like such a hypocrite because I'm so self focused, or focused on the person closest to me. Then again I always live my life to please others, I live to serve. I'm always walking this tight rope, and sometimes I fall. I beat myself up over this cycle but I'm starting to see it as some sort of perversion of who I'm supposed to be.

This is me, and I need to learn to love it.