Out of Control

Something is weighing on my mind. It is kind of a big deal.

I have ADHD.

I've known this fact for a really long time. I have to deal with it every day of my life. Sure I'm medicated, and god am I lucky that this disease isn't coupled with anything else, that I know of yet. I feel like writing about this because it is such a big part of my life. It is part of who I am, its that part of myself that I want to cut away, get rid of, be done with. I can't do that any of those things. All I can do is try to live my life, which I do with lots of success, sometimes.

Honestly I feel like and emotional wreck right now. It all started because I was trying to cope with my anxiety. I have one personal project, and one peice of homework due for class. Both are causing me stress, so I go to my favorite stress reliever, the offbeat empire! I adore all of the different views on life these three websites provide, for all the different stages of life. I'm hardly in any of them, I don't own a home or rent, I am not a bride to be, and I'm definitely not a momma. But it was offbeat momma that made me face my possible future.

It is very likely that my children will have ADHD.

 I've known this fact for a long time, but it doesn't make it sting any less.

Because despite having the disorder I have no idea how to a child cope with it.

Sure I may be awfully young to be thinking about how a maybe might effect my future. Maybe it isn't healthy to worry about these things. All I know is the information I'm getting by digging deeper into the moms who deal with ADHD children makes me hurt. I feel left out, I feel the sadness of knowing my future my life could have been different and it isn't my fault. At the same time it is. And all of this is pushing me to tears because I feel like I can't trust my own thoughts.

I know everyone struggles with this, but I literally cannot trust my own head. I know this is what #trust30 is for. I know that ex sent that to me because he knows me better then I know myself somedays, he knew I needed this. And once again I find myself so happy that I have him in my life, even when things seem like I should just give up and walk away. I find myself so so so happy that I have somebody who has taken the time and made the effort to get to know me and dare I say it love me for who I am. Not only that but help me become who I can be. But then it hits me.

I've switched topics three times in this post, at least. The dreaded fear comes in. Wait, is that what normal writers do? Is that how my brain is supposed to work? Even worse, will people be able to understand my thoughts? Will they just see me as some stupid teenager who has a problem and needs to whine about it?

The list goes on and on. This is how I live my life. This is how the ADHD effects me. It has left pock marks on my mind and on my heart, it has scared me in ways I'm not sure I can ever heal from. I want to start over, I want a different life. I don't want this mess I've been handed, because it isn't fair. I'm sick of being told well duh, life isn't fair. You are not me, you don't know what this problem is like.

Even when I attempt to express myself I feel anxiety, I feel the nerves, I feel the pain.

I get so trapped and paralyzed but this overwhelming fear. I feel so out of control. I know I started this blog to try and be funny, to let people know that hey I can be humorous too. I feel like I've written way to many depressing posts. I feel like I've done something wrong. I feel like I've done something worse by bringing it up. 

It is hard for me to live like this, to have to feel that constant doubt in myself, in what I'm doing, in the people around me. I know that something is wrong, but I just don't know how to express it. If my attempts to communicate don't come across on the first try, I give up. Even though I usually am trying to veil the real meaning behind my words.

The truth is I don't know what to do, there are so many things that bother me and so many things that I feel like are wrong with me, even when I have plenty of people in my life that are telling me they aren't.

I know it will be okay in the end, but life is supposed to be about the journey, and my journey isn't going so great.