Writing for Myself

"I'm not angry with you, I am disappointed in you." This sentence has become something of a trope in our literature. The idea that quiet disappointment is more powerful reaction than the loud anger that we expected to receive. When the hero disappoints his mentor it seems to effect the main character more than the anger ever would have. If you look at society, we are constantly running away from the feeling of disappointment. We are constantly afraid of disappointing the people in our lives.
For those of us who are mentally ill our fears of disappointment can lead to strange and irrational behaviors that make sense to us because we live in a different world. I can only speak for the world I inhabit, and the particular challenges it gives me. In my world a disappointment is a crushing blow. To me disappointment is one of the worst feelings I can experience, and I will do anything to avoid it. I try to control how much disappointment there is in my life in two ways. I try to control everything around me, or I go to the other end and shut down. I let somebody else take the wheel and barely live my life at all. I do this because above all I am searching for comfort, security, love, and connectivity. Yet when I have these things I have trouble maintaining them because I fear the crushing disappointment I will feel when I eventually lose them.
I have worked long and hard at trying to balance out these two extremes. So that I can find and keep what I seek. I don't always succeed, but I don't always fail either. What I am almost always doing is fighting these impulses to behave irrationally, even if it is to do the more socially acceptable thing and shut down for a little while when I am disappointed. Lately I try to make art. I try to do something with myself that is productive and lets me not fall into the traps my own mind sets for me.
One of the hardest parts about writing as art is that people don't expect to be able to read what you write for yourself. They get easily confused and angry when you are not taking them into account when you write. I'm not taking others into account when I write, I write for me. I write what I think sounds good. And if people enjoy it, then I am incredibly blessed.