Questioning.

I have questions. I have no idea where to find answers. I'm frustrated. I'm overwhelmed. I feel like I'm fighting my way through college. Every step I take gives me new questions that I wish I'd thought of a head of time and over all I am overwhelmed. I am exhausted, my entire world is fuzzy from losing my glasses and it makes me sleepy. I have so much work to do but it is all on my own so help isn't an answer. I'm so frustrated by this department. I feel like I've been thrown to the wolves. I feel like I missed something. I feel sick. I feel tired. I feel like I can't be the only one having this problem.

I think this is why designers and builders don't get along, the reality of building something crushes the artistic processe. It makes figuring things out ten time harder because you cannot easily spilt yourself in two and talk to yourself about what is going on. Not to mention I'm still way in over my head. I'm absolutely utterly terrified I'm gonna drag my best friend down with me. Because he works in the same field as me but a different concentration. He is also proven himself to be my only confidant at this school. Thank all that is holy for him. I know I could live with out him, but goddamn it would make things so much harder.

I am working on it. I am working on following the dharma better. So that I can do this better. So that I can be better. So I can live this life I have right now to the fullest. I am trying to take refuge in this.

Today is my birthday. My presence has graced this earth for twenty years now. I made it! I made it to twenty. Its been a long journey. Lots of pain, lots of crazy. But lots of reward in the end too. I've made it thus far. I can make it a hell of a lot farther. And I'm excited to.

Left Behind

I find the bits you leave behind. All the pieces of you that stay with here even when you're gone. Sometimes you fetch them from their resting place, and take them home with you. Sometimes I hoard them, away from your eyes. But not very often. Most times I let you know, I giggle because you've left more than that with me. You've left part of yourself. And in turn I've given part of myself to you. Maybe its a little smile, maybe its a lingering hug. It is beautiful.

Bias

Okay I am experencing sexism. Not against women, but against men. I'm making ex's halloween costume. I have the time. He has paid for the materials. This is my major. I enjoy doing this. It is a learning experience. Yet I keep repeatedly being told that I shouldn't be doing this. That he is just using me to get what he wants.

Are YOU in this relationship? Nope. Its just me and him! So get the fuck out. I am doing this for my best friend, who just happens to have a penis. Who carried me through all last year. Who carried me through my grandmas death. Who loves me. Even if it is just as a friend. I just want to live my life.

Random Ass Chapter

Facts:

-Emily got dumped by her boyfriend, Chad, for the third time in the three months Roxana has know her.

-Emily and Roxana work together at the Grand Ely, but started talking over facebook two months before they moved to Ely.

-Emily depends on anyone and everyone to take care of her, especially men.

-The scene starts with Roxana writing out the reasons she is fed up with Emily, she is running them by Isaac when Berenice lovingly butts in. Berenice and Isaac constantly compare Emily and Chad to Roxana and Cain. This does not go over well and Roxana storms off.

(I apologize for any references here that don't make sense. I know I haven't worked on the novel lately but I have things that I know that I want I just haven't written about them here yet! So please bear with me.)

Bare Bones Script-Like Draft:

Roxana: "Things you do that piss me off: Number one..."

Isaac: "Randomly interrupting you with sarcastic comments."

Roxana gives her computer a death glare.

Roxana: "Moving on. Number one: You always ask for our help but when we give it you don't listen. I can only help you if you try my advice. I can't wave a magic wand and make it all better."

Isaac: "Expecially when I don't even know this person."

Roxana turns to her computer and turns her head as if to say really?

"Sorry I just don't understand if she makes you this crazy why you even talk to her."

Roxana: "Because she is a genuinely nice person, she just has a few issues."

Isaac: Loudly "Sounds like my excuse for speaking to you."

Roxana: "Shut up Isaac. I'm at my cousins, they don't need to know what is going on."

Berenice: Sticks her head down the stairs. "What don't you want us to know."

Roxana: "Nothing, Be."

Berenice: "Do I look like you can pull the wool over my eyes? I raised two teenagers and was one myself at one time." Berenice starts to walk down the stairs to where Roxana is sitting.

Isaac: "Hey Mrs. J! How are you?"

Berenice: "Hello Isaac, I'm just grand and you?"

Isaac: "Same old, same old."

Berenice: "So what are you two lovebirds talking about?"

Both Isaac and Roxana visibly blush.

Isaac: "She wishes we were lovebirds." Roxana blushes even more. "We are just trying to stage an intervention for another one of Roxana's loony bin friends."

Berenice: "She does have a habit of finding the crazies doesn't she? Oh well it runs in the family."

Roxana: "Hey! I just have a lot of compassion for others!"

Isaac: "Has she told you about Cain yet?"

Roxana visibly slumps over in embarrassment and defeat.

Berenice: "No. Who is he?"

Isaac: "He is her idiot sometimes boyfriend."

Berenice: "Idiot? Sometimes?"

Isaac: "He flunked out of college this year, and hasn't made it to the air force recruitment center yet. And because of that last bit he and Roxana are on a break."

Berenice: "Dump him completely."

Isaac: "Thats what I keep telling her. Hell she even gives the same advice to her friend in a simular situation but she just wont give up on him."

Berenice: "She'll snap out of it eventually, everyone goes through this kind of thing."

At this point Roxana starts to walk out of the room frustraited by her best friend and cousins behavior. Her phone in her hand she starts wandering down the long gravel road leading to Berenice's house. She is searching for a cell phone signal.

That is all I've got for now...

Waking Up

I've always been fascinated with my reflection. Call it petty or whatever you want to call it, I like looking at my own reflection, I always have. Even in my darkest hours I like looking at myself. But it has only been in the past few months that I've really found the beauty in my face. In my body. In myself.

Sometimes I don't recognize the pictures of me from the past, it is like some sort of disconnect. Just like the contentment makes me shine, the sadness hides me away. And I feel the freedom in my limbs. I feel my body. It is my soul's home. And I'm learning more about it every day.

And I hate and love it. Though all that matters is that I'm learning. I am functioning, on my own. I'm becoming "normal". I see it in my face, the way that I wear my own skin with confidence. I am alive, and happy to be so.

Echoes

Sometimes I feel like all I ever hear is my exs name. Like some sort of broken record. Every step I take somebody brings him up. I'd be okay with if it wasn't for the fact that he is my best friend, I consider us equals, but everyone is always choosing him over me. It is hard for me, because in both his and my mind we are equals.

I feel like I can be open and a little bit cocky about this here because I'm not sure if I know any of the people here in real life. I'm damn good at what I do. I'm not the best. But hell I'm for sure baller. So watching my ex get ahead, mostly because of his gender, pisses me off. Pisses me off might even be a mild way off saying how I feel about the situation.

Even my roommate chooses him over me. What. The. Hell. I mean sure fine it is her life, I can deal with that. Its more that I'm left fighting to just survive and find a place for next year. And the only person that is trying to really help me is my ex. The person who I get to share most of my accomplishments with, we celebrate the small steps I make towards normalcy. And I am so glad and lucky to have him in my life.

Yet I don't want my world to revolve around him. I want my own life, and I've gotten myself most of it. And I love it. I am my own person. I am healing well. I've hit some road blocks, but I've gone through and I adore it.

Yet where ever I go I still here these echoes. Echoes of him. And it hurts, not because he is gone, but because I cannot escape what was. I am having trouble being something other than his girl to this world. And I hate it.

The Shoes

Today I aim to try something new. I am going to attempt to walk in high heels. Its only taken me almost twenty years. You see I missed out on this right of passage because I'm 5'8". I have never had a guy tall enough for me to wear heals with. I'd tower over them. Okay I'm exaggerating a little but stay with me here. I have never learned how to properly walk in heals. I can do lots of other awesome amazing things, but walking in heals is a mystery to me. I have googled how to walk in them because I plan to be walking in the cute heals I bought myself last year but never wore by Wednesday. Yes by Wednesday.

Why would I torture myself in such a fashion you ask? Well I have a date with a guy that is half a foot taller than me. Half a freaking foot people. I can hear the heavenly choirs singing. Lilly can finally wear those heels that she has been dying to wear since she was big enough to know what high heels were!

What gave me this crazy idea that he would give a shit about what my feet looked like? Well he complemented my shoes last week. My oxfords. What my mom likes to call my 1940s orthopedic nurse shoes. I still think these shoes are cute but my mom, not so much. So I figured, why the hell not wear my 5 dollar heals? This is a once in a life time opportunity here! Okay maybe I'm exaggerating but still. For me this like never happens, ever.

ereaders

Today I got a nook. Having spent over 100 dollars on it already I went on a hunt to find free e-books.

I found porn, teenagers trying to be authors and twilight(which is just the worst possible combo of the two).

I want to be a writer, but I know I'm shitty. I never practice. Though at least I know I'm not that good. I try try try to be that good, but I'm not. These people don't even realize it.

Though I've loaded the nook up with classics, some buddhist writings, and Warbreaker. I've only really been reading the Sanderson. I guess I'm hoping that I will be able to absorb some of his skills. Not to mention work on becoming a more faithful follower of buddha.