A Thought...

 Warning: I started this blog as a sort of therapy. Usually my rants are funny. This one is serious. Read on if you wish.

I've been upset lately. Working myself up over things that in the end do not matter. Just trying to take everything on myself and wallowing in a self pitty hole. Because every thing that goes wrong in this world is my fault. Tsunami in Japan, my fault. Whatever is going on in Lebanon, my fault. I'm not sure how, but it is. Everything terrible in this world is my fault. And I take that and I despair because I could fix all this. I am human and I hold the power in my tiny body to change this whole planet. The only limits are time I say. But that I isn't true. The only limit is me. I am my one and only limit.

This gives me no end of frustrations. All I think about is I, while I'm struggling to help everyone else in this whole damn world. I'm selfish and selfless at the exact same time. Over all I'm just confused. I try to find the beauty in this world and all I find is my inability to act on my desires, to start really living my life. To start doing what I want and learning from it. Every time I take that step. That all important step I see Boyfriend behind me, and I realize I would do anything in this world to bring him with me. I'd do all that I could to keep him from falling behind me.

'Cause I know that he wants this too. At least I assume he does because when we fight about the demons in my head. The ones that push and pry at me, turning me into a zombie, he looks me in the eye and I can see the pain. I can see that he wants this too, and that he is suffering, he is falling apart inside. So I try to carry two of us. And sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. And when I fall he lifts me up. And we work as a team. I need to stop starting my sentences with and. We are happy this way, as happy as we can be. I push him, he pushes me, this is the way it is.

There is one problem with this whole situation. I'm trying to search for God in all of this. I grew up as a christian, and I've found that to be unsatisfying, unfulfilling. When I look out into the world, I look into everything I find him. I find him in people's actions, words, feelings. I find him in nature, I find him in patterns. I've generally accepted a Buddhist view of god, which is something that I am still seeking to understand. I understand that I will spend the rest of my life doing this, and I find happiness in this. Yet in myself, I have nothing.

I find no god in what I do. I believe that some how I'm not good enough. Nothing is enough. Meanwhile boyfriend is trying to comfort me. Trying to tell me that I am the best and that I should stop this insanity. Yet there is a rift. Boyfriend has no fire to take this religious journey with me. And I'm starting to question all that I'm doing. I am my only limit. Am I limiting myself by placing myself in this life, the modern day white picket fence. Should I abandon comfort for the chance to find what my soul is searching for? Should I wait it out and see if boyfriend starts to follow me too? I'm not asking for advice, because this is something that I have to choose. I have to find the answer with in myself.

Maybe if I just started ignoring the paralysis of fear that courses through my veins. The fear that I will once again not be good enough for god. That my devotion will never be enough in his eyes. Maybe if I spoke up and instead of letting somebody else's opinion sway me, instead of feeling stupid and cutting myself off. Perhaps if I didn't get frustrated when people genuinely didn't hear me. Perhaps if I just gave boyfriend a chance to come with me. What if I just started to taking a stand for what I believe in? What if I cut every rope, broke every chain, untied every knot, burnt every bridge, that is holding me down in fear. What if I managed to take up the sword and kill the demons that ran inside of my head.

Who would I become? Who would I be? Would I still be me? I don't know anymore. I maybe it's time I put down what my parents wish, what my friends wish, what society wishes, and did what I wish. Then again maybe I'll just hide in fear. Hide from the glory of god.