Sorry... I've been kind of busy lately.

I'm a nerdy type person, I love books, I love history, I love geeky things. I am all around geeky. Heck my major is technical theatre. I am a geek. There are two types of geekiness I am not though a gamer or a computer geek. These of course are the things that Boyfriend loves. I can tolerate this, why because boyfriend has no gaming systems at college so there isn't competition, until now.

Boyfriend has joined the league of super nerds, dungeons and dragons. And it is driving me nuts. Why? Why would miss accept all, love all and such dislike her boyfriend playing DnD. Well the thing is its a soul sucking life eater. I've tried to see if my opinion is totally off, trying to guilt myself into accepting this. It hasn't happened. All of my friends give me different suggestions, most of them having to do with sex.

Sex it out of him. Sleep with him more. Seduce him. Stories of how they had friends that played DnD until they got girlfriends. Now of course some of you very dirty minded people are thinking hehe she is going to talk about sex. No I'm going to whine about how my boyfriend has devoted his friday nights to super nerds and how somehow everyone thinks that sex will magically fix this problem. So ha the jokes on you, you dirty minded person.

Now I guess my real problem is I don't have a boyfriend from 7:30 friday night til 1 to 2 AM saturday morning. See since we have a very tiring week all I want to do at 7:30 is relax with my boyfriend, but because of DnD this cannot happen. I end up trolling the internet for hours, starting blog posts I never finish and generally become very grumpy.

So now I've decided I must find a new thing for Fridays, anyone have any suggestions?

A Thought...

 Warning: I started this blog as a sort of therapy. Usually my rants are funny. This one is serious. Read on if you wish.

I've been upset lately. Working myself up over things that in the end do not matter. Just trying to take everything on myself and wallowing in a self pitty hole. Because every thing that goes wrong in this world is my fault. Tsunami in Japan, my fault. Whatever is going on in Lebanon, my fault. I'm not sure how, but it is. Everything terrible in this world is my fault. And I take that and I despair because I could fix all this. I am human and I hold the power in my tiny body to change this whole planet. The only limits are time I say. But that I isn't true. The only limit is me. I am my one and only limit.

This gives me no end of frustrations. All I think about is I, while I'm struggling to help everyone else in this whole damn world. I'm selfish and selfless at the exact same time. Over all I'm just confused. I try to find the beauty in this world and all I find is my inability to act on my desires, to start really living my life. To start doing what I want and learning from it. Every time I take that step. That all important step I see Boyfriend behind me, and I realize I would do anything in this world to bring him with me. I'd do all that I could to keep him from falling behind me.

'Cause I know that he wants this too. At least I assume he does because when we fight about the demons in my head. The ones that push and pry at me, turning me into a zombie, he looks me in the eye and I can see the pain. I can see that he wants this too, and that he is suffering, he is falling apart inside. So I try to carry two of us. And sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. And when I fall he lifts me up. And we work as a team. I need to stop starting my sentences with and. We are happy this way, as happy as we can be. I push him, he pushes me, this is the way it is.

There is one problem with this whole situation. I'm trying to search for God in all of this. I grew up as a christian, and I've found that to be unsatisfying, unfulfilling. When I look out into the world, I look into everything I find him. I find him in people's actions, words, feelings. I find him in nature, I find him in patterns. I've generally accepted a Buddhist view of god, which is something that I am still seeking to understand. I understand that I will spend the rest of my life doing this, and I find happiness in this. Yet in myself, I have nothing.

I find no god in what I do. I believe that some how I'm not good enough. Nothing is enough. Meanwhile boyfriend is trying to comfort me. Trying to tell me that I am the best and that I should stop this insanity. Yet there is a rift. Boyfriend has no fire to take this religious journey with me. And I'm starting to question all that I'm doing. I am my only limit. Am I limiting myself by placing myself in this life, the modern day white picket fence. Should I abandon comfort for the chance to find what my soul is searching for? Should I wait it out and see if boyfriend starts to follow me too? I'm not asking for advice, because this is something that I have to choose. I have to find the answer with in myself.

Maybe if I just started ignoring the paralysis of fear that courses through my veins. The fear that I will once again not be good enough for god. That my devotion will never be enough in his eyes. Maybe if I spoke up and instead of letting somebody else's opinion sway me, instead of feeling stupid and cutting myself off. Perhaps if I didn't get frustrated when people genuinely didn't hear me. Perhaps if I just gave boyfriend a chance to come with me. What if I just started to taking a stand for what I believe in? What if I cut every rope, broke every chain, untied every knot, burnt every bridge, that is holding me down in fear. What if I managed to take up the sword and kill the demons that ran inside of my head.

Who would I become? Who would I be? Would I still be me? I don't know anymore. I maybe it's time I put down what my parents wish, what my friends wish, what society wishes, and did what I wish. Then again maybe I'll just hide in fear. Hide from the glory of god.

How to Study... Or Not

I am trying to study. It isn't working. Let me in a few(by a few I mean as many as it takes) steps.

#1. The room I'm in is messy. It is Boyfriends room, but the mess is mostly my fault.

#2. I want to clean the room. So I start looking around for ways to clean room, most of these take too much effort and guess work for me to accomplish.

#3. I read what I wrote above and I start freaking out about what a terrible human being I am. Since I can not even find the courage to clean my boyfriend's room since I've been hanging out here nearly constantly.

#4. So then I text Boyfriend freaking out over how stressed I am.

#5. I automatically wish I could unsend that text because it means that Boyfriend is going to be unnecessarily worried about me. Then he'll come back and be all aw and cuddly which will lead to...

#6. People getting upset that Boyfriend is acting like a boyfriend for me. Oh my gosh people acting like people in love somebody call the police.

#7. But instead of doing that I will just sit there and sulk over the future that hasn't happened yet, but has a decently high chance of happening.

#8. Then I will think what if I fail all my courses and have to drop out of college. Then I will have to leave Boyfriend for ever and I can't help him succeed and I'll just become some crazy woman who lives in the woods.

#9. So I open the document that is the study guide. I start thinking what if we don't have the midterm today because the teacher hasn't been here for close to three weeks. Poor Mr. Teacher I hope that he is okay.

#10. Why aren't I just reading this stupid thing. Why is it written like a therapy session with more questions instead of answers. Although this is just a stupid stereotype.

#11. Boyfriend hasn't texted me because he is in class so I start to worry about how he is doing in class because for all my laziness he is lazier then me at time.

#12. Then I look at the fact I've blogged 11, now 12 useless steps on how long it takes me to do something.

#13. Then I debate on if I should post this or not. Its not like a single person has read my blog, even though it's only existed for two hours. Come on internet somebody has to stumble across me.

#14. Then I wonder why I want to be internet famous, maybe it's cause it seems to be the only thing I can focus on, come on brain bring on the genius. You're worth so much more then typing away at a computer.

#15. Then I start wondering if I'm going back to the junior high format of life. Which I really don't want to do.

#16. Start furiously hoping that somebody somewhere finds me funny. Come on world laugh at the crazy girl being crazy I know you want to.

#17. Worry that I'm over analyzing my life again, since that seems to be all I'm capable of.

#18. Worry that people wont find me funny because I can't spell and have a limited concept of grammar.

#19. Start to worry that I worry too much.

#20. Wonder why I'm spilling my guts out for anyone to come and poke at.

#21. I start worrying that I'm trying to be too much like my current fixation, Allie, from Hyperbole and a Half. So you won't find this at all funny because Allie has had at least a year to perfect her humor style and I'm just starting out.

#22. Start wondering why the hell I don't get more organized so I can just relax and get my work done.

#23. Then realize that if I do have an organization system and it gets messed up, as my line of work tends to do to things, I freak out and it make it soooo much worse.

#24. Realize that I still haven't taken my pescription to the doctor.

#25. Think why bother they are usually out of my meds anyway.

It was at this point I had to go to class. Only to find out I didn't have class. This happened again the next time we were supposed to have class. Only to find out that his TA from another test. The next time this happened the teacher was there, but had moved the midterm back another day. By the time the midterm came around my computer had broken. And I did get the meds so no worries.

How a wiring problem turned me into a junky, but not really.

So my computer charger broke. Like all things in my life this turned into quiet the ordeal. First of all the charger started showing signs of death around nine o'clock at night. First it started charging and then just stopping. I thought maybe, just maybe it had over heated it self. So I unplugged it, walked away and waited for the charger to cool down.

This ever so smart tactic did not work. So since the charge worked if I jiggled the cable around I decided to get some straws and some duck tape and make some impromptu strain relief. Strain relief is exactly what it sounds like it stops the wires from becoming more strained and breaking, kind of like a cast on a leg. Unfortunately this wasn't even able to save my poor charger and later that night it died.

The next morning I decided to take it to my university help desk, which is notoriously bad with helping people. I woke up early that day with the expressed purpose of going in before class and getting this fixed. For some reason the help desk opens later then anything else on campus, 10 AM. I have a class at 10 AM and another at 11 AM. I guess this problem would have to wait. My over anxious and cranky self did not like this.

But wait I did, like a tiger waiting to pounce. As soon as my costuming teacher let us out I was running out the door at my intended target, the help desk. I had to wait another minuet or so before I got to explain my problem. The usual testing ensued and since I was still under warranty I would get my new charger for free. VICTORY! But not just yet, they were out of stock and would have to order me a new one. Wait one moment they said, Apple has express one day shipping for free, so it should be here tomorrow they said. I walked away placated. I would have to wait.

And wait I have, but not happily. I have gone through computer withdrawal, like some kind of junky. I kept looking at my computer, reaching for it. Think well I'll just google this, or I'll check and see if so and so is online. It never happened. My computer, now officially dead from lack of life giving electricity, would not magically come back from the dead until I got my new charger. So again I waited. The help center said they would give me a call, so I stared at my phone the whole day. Taking it out in class, keeping it on silent, but staring intently to see the screen light up with an incoming call. That call never came. So being the very assertive person I am I went back to the help desk to see what was up.

This was a mistake. I went to ask the not so bright bro type guy at the desk. He mistook my questions for needing to get my claims checked all over again and putting in another order. I managed to clearly state the problem. The order had been placed but they had already gotten the shipment in. Bro dude looked to see why there was no charger. This was not good news, the Apple supply center did not have any more, so they were waiting for more. I had been back ordered. They no longer knew when my charger would come in.

My universe was shattered. I started lashing out at Boyfriend being unnecessarily mean and callous. Almost every other word that came out of my mouth was charger. It was like I was a broken record saying charger charger charger over and over again. I couldn't stop, my life force, my entertainment, my love had been taken from me. This is when I started to feel a bit like a junky. It was like nothing else mattered. Just getting my computer, getting my precious computer to work was the most important thing in the world to me. I wanted my computer back, no I needed it back. I think at one point I started to caress it saying my precious my precious when will you return to life? Luckily I was saved.

Luke, Boyfriend's roommate has a girlfriend. Her name is Yvetta. She is awesome. Why might you ask. Well She lent me her charger so I could use my computer and stop twitching in a corner going why did you leave me? Why my lover why? Yvetta in general is totally awesome and deserves some kind of award for this. And I can't thank her enough. Hopefully I will get the guts to go out and just buy the 80 dollar charger while I wait for the other one to come in. Yay technology.

I am shy. I am incredibly shy. My shyness knows some bounds. I can do a one on one conversation. Other then that, well I'm shy. I'm not sure how many times I can say this I AM SHY! This turns me into a doormat. Not only a doormat but a toilet. A public toilet in a bar. I get pissed on, shat on, and puked on.

Now this shyness doesn't just exist in real life. It exists here in the internet. I don't pass out information and I'm even afraid of people actually finding out about this blog. Oh noes the idea of spreading my adventures sounded good on paper but now that it is actually happening I'm about to die. Die a painful and unnecessarily terrible death. Like being trampled by strippers in heals. Devoured by house cats. Licked to death by puppies. The list goes on and on.

Boyfriend thinks this is silly. Boyfriend isn't shy like me. Boyfriend isn't afraid to be an idiot in public. I blame this on his male genitalia. Men have a habit of being habitually stupid, in public. Girls not so much. For instance look at the amount of male stand up comedians to female.  A lot more men then women. Why? Because women being stupid isn't funny, its just sad. I resent this. I want to be funny too! Why can't I be funny, I make you laugh right? My crazy life makes you laugh, it makes me laugh for sure.

And of course you can look into it and realize that yes I have mommy and daddy issues. Of course I do. My parents are insane! I promise to tell you more about this because I have some very funny stories about them being insane. Yay insane people! Well thats enough for today.

I really need to post something new.

Dear world, you frustrate me. You have no idea how much you frustrate me. So I will now proceed to inform you. First of all there is my friend Eugenia, she has her good days and her bad days, just like everyone else. Eugenia's bad days drive me nuts. Eugenia is one of those friends, you aren't really sure why you are friends with her, but for some reason you are. Today she knocked on my door and asked if I wanted some left overs of her's, I took a moment and politely declined. Then she noticed that I was in my underwear and sweat pants and proceeded to ask if I had been doing nothing all day.

This has been my day.

Wake up late and start working on Italian test.
Finish test two hours later.
Eat.
Work on research for project due Tuesday.
Get head ache.
Relax.
Have a calling from Eugenia.

Understandably I was rather upset, having a wild headache making all sorts of havoc in my brain. Luckily Eugenia walked away without a mouthful. This has been my day, as far as days go it has been rather boring. I hope I have a more interesting event for you tomorrow.

Italy

I was going to give you guys an awesome post on something funny WITH PICTURES! But for some reason I didn't finish drawing you some pretty pretty pictures. Since I don't want to fizzle out on this whole blogging thing I wanted give you guys something interesting. So I will start on how I started taking Italian.

It all begins with my strange choice to date a military school graduate, lets call him Wreck. Because that is what this guy was, a wreck. Wreck was in the processes of dropping/flunking out of college. It went something like you don't go to any classes and we are kicking you out, well fine I quit. For some reason I had it in my little crazy head that sticking with Wreck was the right thing to do. He was from a broken and fantastically messed up home.

How any of this leads to me taking Italian. Well the one condition to me staying with Wreck was that he get a job and start supporting yourself. Wrecks idea was to go into the Air Force. Wreck was absolutely positively convinced that this would make me happy and get me to marry him. At first I was very opposed to this idea, since Wreck wanted me to be a happy house wife. This was not on my agenda. I wanted to go be a theatre major in college, Wreck did not like this idea. Wreck wanted to wisk me away to some foreign country. This seemed like a good idea to me. What I was thinking at the time was well Europe, I love Europe and mom and dad wont take me. So I'll get to go to Europe. Win win right?

Oh how wrong I was. I was more wrong then driving the wrong way on a one way street. I was more wrong then the crazy people with signs saying "God Hates Fags". More wrong then Pluto not being a planet. I was just wrong, and I'm thinking that this all fails to explain how wrong I was. Yet none of this explains why I signed up for Italian. Well it went a little something like this.

Wreck decided that he was going to try to be stationed in Italy. When it came time to register for classes I decided out of the blue that I would learn Italian.  Maybe in the hopes that I could keep this relationship alive. Luckily Wreck is out of my life, and I'm happier then ever.

P.S. Boyfriend requests that I inform you, the internet, why I've stuck with it. So I will. I wasn't allowed to take a language in high school. So I promised to myself, no I vowed to myself, that I would take a different language, something I couldn't take in high school. Next I fell in love with Italian. As cheesy as it sounds, I love butchering the lovely la lingua di italiano. Mi piace parlo italiano. If you can read that I like you and I hope you like me too.

Laughter

This is what I do when I'm bored, I come up with ideas. I rarely ever share them because I am terrified that people will attack them. I am afraid that they will take my beautiful baby ideas that I went through a bajillion hours of labor to bring into this world and when I take it to Rafiki the baboon to hang over a cliff to show the populace, because this is totally what I will do when I have children, and some how a blue butted mammal holds my precious child over the populace Chuck freaking Norris comes out of nowhere and kicks my baby in the face. This fear is completely rational.

So I will now force myself to tell you one of my super-tastic amazing stories! Maybe I lied a little bit, this isn't exactly a story I'm not exactly sure what to call it but here you go.

So I am known for giggle attacks. What is a giggle attack you might ask, it is when everything in the whole freaking world becomes funny. DUH! The giggles can hit at any time. They can be a snicker or a full on laughing spaz. Unfortunately for me they turn out to be the laughing spaz kind.

What is a laughing spaz you might also ask, well a laughing spaz is the kind of laugh you expect to see in a sanitarium. The full bodied convulsion of a laugh that takes your whole body and makes it its bitch. It first starts with the giggles, or maybe a laugh at something you honestly find funny. This is how it sneaks up on you. Suddenly in the middle of your extremely logical laugh your body starts to twitch. You can't breath, yet some how some way you are still laughing. And just when you start to be able to breath and have stopped laughing, it comes again. At this point everyone in the room is staring at you. And for some reason even though it is extremely embarrassing you still find it amazingly funny.

This can go on for what seems like laughing. You can't stop laughing. Even though there is nothing to laugh at, you still find it funny. It is at this point that Boyfriend usually joins in. Why because I'm usually in boyfriend's presence when these fits happen. Boyfriend's roommate is usually also there, which results into Boyfriend trying to defuse the situation by bringing Luke(the roommate) into the situation. This brings Luke into the awkward laughter fest, that my stressed out mind has inadvertently started.

Eventually my embarrassment over comes my need to laugh and I crawl into a ball and hide under the sheets. At this point Boyfriend comes over and tries to comfort me telling me how beautiful I am. Stroke my hair and at try to suppress his giggles at my predicament. At this point I just dive deeper into my sheet cave and try to forget that I had just devolved into my insane side. Eventually the Boyfriend coaxes me out of my shell with the promise of sugar and all is good with the world.

The End

Meet Me

This is me, I used to blog everyday in junior high. Those blogs sounded something like this:

Whine. Talk about my day so any stalker can find me. Whine some more. Write sucky poetry. End with some cryptic comment.

I'm really hoping to do better then that. I haven't blogged since is started high school, I ended high school nearly a year ago. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating, don't look at me like that I am not a liar. I just enjoy taking artistic license.

Let me now pretend for a moment to be normal. Ready, set, goooooooo. Well I like knitting. I love theatre, but not acting. I promise more updates on that. I have a boyfriend and he is the love of my life and we're going to get married. I love pigs and I want to have one as a pet. End normal mode.

I'm honestly just looking to make people laugh, like ha ha her life is so weird. I'm glad my life is normal, I'll now proceed to read the rest of her crazy life stories to make myself feel better. I used to try to do this in real life but it went something like this:

Me: "I was just sitting on Boyfriend's bed trying to eat fundip when before I could start eating the fundip I dropped the stick onto a pile of clothes on the floor. I thought hey I can get that so I lean over and before I know it, some how I'm falling off the bed and my precious computer in tow. I start trying some how to magically crawl back up the bed in mid fall because at this point everything is going in slow mo. And some how I still fall, computer first on its side onto the floor. I sit up and grab my computer grab the fundip stick and look up at boyfriend. Boyfriend is so amused he just starts laughing and laughing."

Person I'm telling the story to: "That's great. Do you want to here my funnier story that really is just about how you had sex in New York and got caught by so and so and how hilarious yet it was really disturbing instead. But you'll laugh anyway cause your that nice person that everyone just take advantage of."

For some odd reason I think that you, the people of the internet will find my insane ramblings about strange things that I do humorous. Or even the insane things I don't do but other people around me do.