Bedtime Story

I shut my door, turn off the lights, and take my sleeping pill.

“Nobody loves me.” I say to myself as climb into my bed.

“Everyone hates me.” I pull the covers over me and roll on to my side holding my pillow. 

“Nobody cares about me.” I start to cry.

I hear a scraping noise. “It must be the neighbors.” I rationalize, “They make all kinds of weird noises.” The strange noise continues.

“It cant be.” I get out of bed and go to the door. I open it a crack, expecting it to be the neighbors. I look down, knowing I’ll be disappointed.

I’m not. The kitten is standing there. Waiting to come in. I open the door enough to let it  in. I crawl back in bed figuring that it will soon leave. A few moments later i feel a light tough on my leg. I smile. “I’m not alone.”

Bedtime Story

I shut my door, turn off the lights, and take my sleeping pill.

“Nobody loves me.” I say to myself as climb into my bed.

“Everyone hates me.” I pull the covers over me and roll on to my side holding my pillow. 

“Nobody cares about me.” I start to cry.

I hear a scraping noise. “It must be the neighbors.” I rationalize, “They make all kinds of weird noises.” The strange noise continues.

“It cant be.” I get out of bed and go to the door. I open it a crack, expecting it to be the neighbors. I look down, knowing I’ll be disappointed.

I’m not. The kitten is standing there. Waiting to come in. I open the door enough to let it  in. I crawl back in bed figuring that it will soon leave. A few moments later i feel a light tough on my leg. I smile. “I’m not alone.”

Life

I am a broken human being. I suffer from depression, ADHD, hypothyrodism, borderline personality traits, and being far too good of a human being. I’m also really frakking lonely, afraid of a ton of random things, and slightly paranoid. Why am I telling you this.

Because I attempted suicide today. I’m okay now. I’m sure a lot of you have been in my position for different reasons. I don’t want my existence to end, I just want to move on from the life that I have been given. I have been thrown shit after shit after shit. I lost the one person who bothered to stay with me durring treatment because of all this. Which of course made all of my problems flare up. These problems, they feed into themselves. Causing more and more pain.

I know I don’t deserve this, and deep down I am afraid of death. I know that this is all because I’ve messed up taking my medications. Sometimes I’m really high and can take on the world. And then randomly I hit this low funk and can’t get out of it. Though I fight it with all that I’ve got. I just don’t have a lot right now. 

Thoughs

I don't like who I am when I'm in a relationship. I become compliant, clingy, demanding, controlling  whiney and all together not myself. I want to know why, I want to dig inside myself and figure out why I completely become somebody else. Because the person I become, I don't like her. Don't like her one bit. And I know I've discovered this before, and you know what I've made changes in my life. I'm not always proud of those changes, but at least it is proof that change does happen.

Whiney

I am so sick of being sick. I took a new medication, and now I'm feeling sicker. Actually I took two. I just want this to stop. I want to stop being sick, I want to be able to do what I want when I want and not have to think can I? I want to be able to use my skills, rather then let them melt away. I want to live my life on my terms rather than the terms of my disease/s. I'm tired of living my life on the terms of other people. I just want to live.

On and on

So many stories to write, so little time. So many projects to make. It's been a hard run over here. People are cruel, and I really expect them not to be. I stopped fighting, and had to be kicked in the ass to come back.

So Life list update, Look for the change!

Skills
Learn basic archery
Practice reiki
Practice a form of dance
Places
Visit Sweden, and meet my relatives
Visit New Zeeland
Spend at least a year backpacking through Europe
Entertainment
See War Horse, the broadway play(My mom's plan is for all of us to go at Christmas.)
See a Broadway play on Broadway
See something in London's West End
Achievements
Work on a Broadway play
Work on a Hollywood film
Work for Wetta Workshop
Work on the Olympics
Get My Degree in Theatre
(I'm working on all of the above by going to college and working on my degree(s?).)
Write a book(Working on a few books, so its something.)
Experiences
Beat Cancer! (DONE!)
Have a family
Become a Buddhist Nun

Snowflakes

I want to bitch. I want to whine. I'm tired of the crap that keeps happening to me. I'm fighting. I am. But there isn't much I can do. I'm so annoyed. I'm sick of my life being different than everyone else's! I don't want to deal with the pains, physical and mental, that I go through. I just want to be able to live my life. I want my consciousness to be free of all this crap. I don't want to be a special snowflake. I want to get rid of all the things that cloud my mind. I want to be free.