Conversations with Myself

"You have to stop trying to prove a change to others, you are the only one you have to convince." She says to me as she lays on the overstuffed periwinkle blue fainting couch. Her dress is the perfect shade of purple to match the couch, with darker purple beads making swirling designs all over her body. She holds her head high, even when she is lounging. She is me, as I want to be.

With all the grace of a lioness she stands and crosses the lush carpet on her way to me. She turns me to face the gilded mirror. "You are who you wish to be." She says to me.
"Then why am I this way?" I look at my reflection, standing next to hers. I am plump and homely, my hair is in knots, and where it isn't tangled it is greasy and stringy. I'm wearing frumpy overalls and a sweat stained t-shirt underneath. Next to her I look even worse. I try to look away but she grabs my chin and forces me to stair my reflection down. "You can't run away from yourself, you are all you have in the end. " Her gray eyes look into mine, they are the same: ever changing blues, greens, and grays of the ocean.
"But it is hard, no one else wanted me, even when I was an innocent child, why should I want myself? I just want to be able to live my life, make beautiful things, tell my stories. Do I have to accept myself to do that, can't I just keep going the way I have been?"
"Tell me, how is that working out for you?"
"Fine, my life hasn't been so great, but its because everyone hates me!"
"Is that true? Because you know it isn't. You need to accept that you've gotten yourself in some bad situations and that has hurt you, but now it is time to hold your head high and move on."
"I've tried that."
"Yes, you have. But you need to keep trying until you are doing it all the time. It isn't easy, but it is worth it."
"How is it worth it? I'm still changing to please all these other people?"
"Oh really, who are you trying to please by doing this?"
"Him."
"You realize that he only wants this for you because he knows it is what is best for you?"
"Whatever."
"Look you whine about not having somebody by your side all the time, hes been there through thick and thin. Even when it was killing him inside. He loves you even though you are intent on hurting yourself and making yourself sick. And you think that he doesn't care. Just because he isn't Mr. Prince charming doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. And the only reason he wants you to change is because you are slowly but surely killing yourself this way."
"Am not."
"Oh really look at yourself."

I flinch as I look at my reflection, it doesn't belong in this perfect room, it doesn't belong here with this airy being. But this place is my invention, so why am I the only thing that looks wrong here?
"Fine. You win." I start to take things out of my pockets. All the ugly words that kids called me in grade school, the rumors from middle school, the death threats from high school, and the lies from college. I take their ugly bruised forms to the beautiful trashcan next to the desk. I hesitate as I throw them in, She places a hand on my shoulder, "Let it be." she sings to me and I let the memories float into the trash, along with all the pain and misery they caused. She smiles to me and hands me a match, I strike it against the box and throw it in. We stand for a moment, watching the tongues of flame lick away the ugly shapes of my past.
"And the rest?" She says.
"I have nothing left to burn." I am confused, I let go of the memories, what else could their be.
"You have yourself, the most important part."
"Oh." I blush. I start to strip out of the ugly dirty overalls, I throw them into the trash can. They give a satisfying crackle. Next goes my t-shirt. I'm standing in my underwear, but I'm not shivering.
"I meant all of it." She smirks. She has my dimple on my right cheek. I sigh, as I throw the ratty bra and stained underwear into the flames.

"There," She says as she guides me back across the room towards the mirror. "Don't you feel better now?"
"I guess."
She gently punches my arm. "Don't lie."
I sigh and punch her back. "Yes, I feel free."
"Good, take a look at yourself now."
I can't believe it, it is as if this perfect creature and I are twins

My long blonde hair falls just past my shoulders and skimming the tops of my perky breasts. My waist gently curves in and curves back out to some very lady like hips. My long lean legs have the look of pin up model. But my face is the most surprising of all, it glows with a beauty that no makeup can ever replicate, it is a glow of peace. My eyes sparkle with this revelation.
"Thank you."
"It is nothing." She smiles. "Just remember this takes work, it isn't going to be easy, you are going to have to get your hands dirty."
"When has that ever stopped me before?"
"Plenty of times."
"Oh shush you, I mean on my actual projects."
"Plenty of times."
I laugh, "Fine, you're right, as usual."
"You know it."
I smile.
"Look its time you start your new life. I'll always be here when you need me."
"Thanks."

I open my eyes and smile, the bright morning sunlight hurts, but it is a good hurt. It is good to be alive.