Ideal Lilly

Who is the ideal Lilly?

The ideal Lilly is kind of a bad ass. Don't mean to brag, but she gets stuff done.

She's smart. She isn't afraid of putting people off with it.

She's strong. She knows how to use her body and can preform all kinds of feats with it.

She's creative. She has all these ideas and knows how to execute them.

She's self disciplined. She knows how to work with herself to make sure that she is the best she can be.

But most important of all, ideal Lilly is brave. She does not let her fear stop her.

So real Lilly is going to start by working on her most tangible fear, her fear of birds.

Butt out

So after writing that post yesterday I had a talk with my best friend. He said I was getting there. I asked what I could do, since I was kind of jealous of him getting to be around people and invited places. He said be less shy. So I started thinking, why I am shy?

Lets start with how am I shy? I have trouble putting myself out there. Talking with random people and making conversations. I can stand there and listen, invisible, but talk. I can't do.

How did this come about? I wasn't always like this. I guess the short answer is kids are mean. Really, really mean. I really don't understand how kids make friends. Because when I tried to do the whole putting myself out there thing, I was pushed out. Again, and again. I got told it was creepy to listen to people's conversations, that I shouldn't butt in. Maybe I was doing something wrong then. But I sure haven't learned the right thing to do in the past 10 years.

I'll be talking to my therapist about it. Until then...

The Sin of Fear

I live in my own little world. Everyone does. Everyone, at least I think, have the capability to do what I have done. To make nothing outside of what I want to believe exist. Everything to me is like a story, where the main character is the one who influences everything, that they have extreme and ultimate control over all. I guess you could say I have something of underdeveloped empathy. Its hard for me to see out side of my small sad little world. And often times I confuse the hell out of people because I talk like they will know exactly what I mean. And when they don't I get very flustered. And defeated. In fact I get this way about almost anything that doesn't go my way. I'm a perfectionist, in everything I do.

And I can feel the fear rise up in my throat, like bile. Because I'm not sure that anyone can make any sense out of what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to lay out my sins for all the world to see. If it pleases them. I'm not evil, but I am ignorant. I sit here in my world and I shut everything out because I am afraid. I am afraid of failing. I'd rather whine about all I don't have because I am too afraid to fight it. I'd rather spread my poisonous words across the universe. I am making myself miserable.

I'm always trying to avoid the world. Yet I'm wickedly jealous. But I'm so anxious that I fuck it all up. And like some sick washing machine the cycle starts all over again.

All because I am so sensitive. Everything bugs me. One little thing can ruin a whole day. I fixate, I focus, and I hurt. All because of fear.

I remember I time before I knew fear, I remember what put this fear into me. And I don't know how to deal with it because to me the reaction is anger.

Fear and Anger. My two sins.

I'm so angry because I try so hard and it isn't working. I lost friends for no good reason. I look around and I realize I've become far too successful at shutting myself off from this world. I don't know how to connect with people. And I am far too self centered. And I make myself sick. I've put myself in a cage because of fear. And every day I make this cage more secure because every day brings a new reason to fear.

I am the only one with the key. I can set myself free. And sometimes I do. But I need to step out of my cage once and for all. Using this key, there is no universal truth. What is true to me may or may not be true to me. I must respect that your truth is different than mine, even if you don't respect my truth. Each life has value. I will respect that person's opinion. Even if it angers me. Because that opinion has no effect on me unless I choose to let it.

Materialism and Memory

I didn't realize how attached I was to my things until I seriously started getting rid of stuff. I've always been something of a packrat. I blame it on my creativity, I see uses for things, everything. And I always think that I will get to it eventually. I also have a nearly photographic memory. So almost everything in my room has a memory behind it. This makes cleaning difficult to say the least. Even the pages of books hold memories for me. Hell even something that doesn't have any waking memory connected to it can awaken memories of dreams.

But what I can't remember is ideas, goals, dates, the important things! This is very frustrating seeing as I can remember almost everything else. So I've written down the two things I'm allowed an excess of, and my Four goals for the year.

My two allowances of excess:
Books and Craft/Art supplies.

My Four goals:
Keep a Schedule- I've written up an extensive weekly routine and I intend to keep it.
Be Mindful- This is my way of trying to make myself a better buddhist, and a better person.
Keep Organized- I need to really get my life in order and I want to keep working at it.
Be Confident!- I'm not the most confident person. I feel the need to change that.